Hello....anybody out there?

So, it's been awhile since I've written here. A really long while actually. I vowed to make 2012 my year of change and it has been. Internally, externally...inside and out, spiritually, mentally, emotionally. Actually there's been so much change, I feel sometimes like the rug has been pulled out from under me and sold to the highest bidder. Some of the changes I hoped for seem unreachable and others are popping up unexpectedly. I left my home because the agent convinced me that a vacant house rents so much faster...yet it didn't. It hasn't. I dropped my sale price, my rental price...but nothing is happened. People are walking thru, all seem to really like it, but still nothing. I don't know what to do. It is my biggest worry. I'm afraid I may lose it. I suppose on the surface the smartest option seems to be moving back, getting a job there and waiting out the housing market. But that is not an option.I have no intention of ever moving back there...ever. So I wait. I wait and see. I wait and hope. I wait....

In the meantime, my brain is working overtime. Reflecting, searching, seeking. Who, what, where and why? All questions I've asked myself and am in the process of answering. I look back over my professional life. It seems so foreign to me. A career I didn't want in an industry I don't like. I have no desire to help Corporate America become richer and more powerful yet I've spent 20+ years doing just that. Why? How did I get so far off track? Why did I choose to chase the all-mighty dollar instead of living my true self? Looking back, I've examined each fork in the road. I see where I made my wrong choices, often I can justify why I did what I did. But worst of all, I re-live the nauseous feeling each time I forced myself to believe the decisions I was making at the time would turn out to be the best ones later. I can literally hear my gut screaming "no, No, NO" as I tried to sell my plans to those I love. I pasted a smile on the outside while feeling the sadness on the inside. What the hell? Why did I do that? Why did I settle for the wrong life for so many years? Who does that? Who, who, who? Me, that's who. I look at friends who seem to love their lives, their careers, their...everything and I wonder...did they encounter the same crossroads? Did they instinctively choose the right path? Did they make the hard choices early in life? What...how did they get to such a happy place? Surely they aren't just blessed with pure luck and easy choices. I don't believe that. So how did they do it?

So here I am, in the middle of my life and standing at that damn fork-in-the-road again. One direction takes me back to a life I don't want, but is familiar. A life that makes single motherhood somewhat easier because I know how to do it. The other direction is filled with new adventure and excitement, the life I believe I've always wanted. But it also requires incredible sacrifice by both myself and my sons. So what do I do? If it was just me, the answer would be easy but I have my kids to think of. They are too little to understand what I'm asking of them.... is that fair?

I've spent several days...weeks actually, mulling over my choice. I'm talking to the voices in my head for so many hours, we are all exhausted. Truthfully, I'm tired of thinking about it because my heart is pulling me one way while logic dictates I should go the other. To add fuel to my already raging fire, a dear, dear friend was recently diagnosed with Lou Gehrig's disease. He's in the prime of his life and has been told he's got no more than 3-5 years at best. I found out about his diagnosis only hours after he did, even before he told his son. Even though he was still in the depth of shock and despair, he told me he has no regrets. He's actually lived a life he's proud of.... It's taken a while for that to sink in. I can't imagine suddenly getting a fatal diagnosis...knowing with absolute certainty that the remainder of my life will be lived without quality, filled with pain and sadness. I can't relate to something so difficult because I've never experienced it. On top of that, I can't relate to having no regrets. I have many, more than I count. But is it too late to change that? Is it ever too late to follow your heart? I've read stories of little old people who are eighty or ninety years old who've gone back to school for that longed for diploma or degree. Always I've a felt a surge of happiness for their gumption and spunk....so why not me? Do I have gumption? Can I find enough spunk? Yes, I can be adventurous but am I an explorer? Can I do it? Is it too late to change course now?

Heart or head? Logic or longing? What's it to be? It's not a new question so the answer has been there all along. All these years, my gut...those voices in my noggin...like a lighthouse in the darkness, they've been leading me home. And even when I turned away from the safety of it's harbor, the distant light has prevented me from running aground or breaking up on the craggy rocks hiding just below the surface of those shark-infested waters I hated so much. That glimmer of shining light has helped to keep me safe until I was ready to finally set course for home. And now is the time...I'm turning for home. As difficult as this new adventure seems, the thought of going back to my old life is worse. I can't go back. I physically, mentally and emotionally, can't go back. Yes, I'm facing several years of sacrifice, but it's time to be who I've longed to be for....well, forever.

So in case you're wondering what this new course is.......

I am planning and preparing my life to go to law school. Human rights, immigration, Native American or International...I don't know exactly which one yet, but for the first time in my life, I feel like I'm heading home.

Feel free to leave comments, voice your concerns, or cheer me on.

Does this apply to you????

I can think of many people who this applies to...some in my life and some in others...but I bet we can each come up with at least one person we know who fits in this category...

Remember those Motivating Mondays???

So I've been staying at my parents recently. Sort of a stopover between lives...the old one I really disliked is buried in the past behind me and the new one I'm holding my breath to begin is hovering somewhere in the mist of the future. Here, where I am, is something in between. No longer running from the crappy past but not running toward the exhilarating future either. I guess this is what limbo is like (for those of you who are Catholics, you know what I'm talking about).

While prepping for this post, I realized I've been stuck in limbo for a month now. I haven't been pushing forward or even looking for the silver lining in life's trials and tribulations. In fact, my brain has sort of been in idle. Resting I guess. Taking a timeout...a break.... maybe a much needed timeout but breaks over. It's time to re-engage. So without further ado, I'm jumping back into the world of motivating and inspiring by babysteps...


I SOOOOOO get this!!! I'm somewhere near the third curve to the left....

 

I like this one! On my way to Sherwin-Williams right now!

 

 

 

 

I know I've been guilty of this one...sort of like using a sledgehammer to crack a nut!

 

This is SO true and also so tough to remember. It's hard to remember when your feelings are hurt...easy to say but difficult to wrap your head another. We all view life through our own filters....

While I like this one in theory, I refer you back to the first picture and remind you that I am somewhere near the 3rd curve to the left...I think my dream needs glasses! Or at least a compass and a map!!

This is SO true...so many people put their lives on hold, saving for when they can afford it, afraid to stick their necks outside of their comfort zone or expecting to live the highlife after retirement, only to experience a life-altering event that prevents them from ever living their dreams. I wonder how many people lying on their deathbeds look back in regret, wishing they'd had the nerve to just live.

Hummmm...which voice are you listening to today?

 

 

Had to throw this one in! So true, so true...

 

Where are you in your life today? So which one of these speak to you? Or maybe you have another one you'd like to share? Let me know...let's dialog, chat and converse.... (that's code for leave comments!!!)

When Is Enough Too Much???

It's been a rough week. Things happened last weekend, nothing earth shattering, but hurtful--painful--things and I haven't been able to shake the sadness. I know we are suppose to get over it, get on with it, deal with it and move on but....when is enough too much?

Sometimes life makes you face your past no matter how fast you try to outrun it.

Ups and Downs...

Since Motivational Monday was a holiday, I decided to offer a thought-provoking Tuesday message instead.

Have you ever watched a movie where someone has been kidnapped or maybe his/her home or village is under attack and the main character is hiding but knows he/she will soon be discovered? For some reason, the victim never seems to escape without being noticed. It always seems like they are almost in the clear and then the captor notices something weird like a door slightly ajar or movement in the trees and all hell breaks loose. The victim runs for his/her life with half an army in hot pursuit. It’s very obvious that the main story line is that Point A equals danger and Point B equals safety and it’s the one and only focus of the victim to get from point A to point B without getting captured. The victim runs for hours or maybe even days, through horrible conditions and treacherous terrain. Always they want to stop for awhile, they just want to rest for a few minutes. They have been running for hours and surely they’ve put enough distance between themselves and the dangerous point A that it’s okay to relax a little…let their guards down a little….right? Of course not. The dangerous point A isn’t a fixed point. It isn’t the building that they escaped from that’s dangerous. It’s the people in it and those people are chasing them. Those people have been running for hours too and might just be a few hundred yards behind the victim. The escapee isn’t running from danger, they brought it with them.

 
At first it seems like the moral of the whole story is to get from point A to point B, from danger to safety, but the real moral is simpler than that. It’s just to get to point B. The goal is to get to safety—don’t look back, don’t quit and don’t stop to rest—just keep moving until you’ve reached safety.

I know what you’re thinking….what does this have to do with a thought provoking Tuesday? Well, it seems we have the same goal in life, just as in the movies. We find ourselves hunkered down, hiding from someone or something we don’t want to face but eventually we recognize that we’ve got to move—got to change the situation because we can’t hide anymore so we run. We find a way to change our lives—we stick our necks out—we try something new and different and at first it feels so liberating. We feel free for the first time in a long time but before we know it, it doesn’t feel so liberating anymore. Actually it’s exhausting. Our legs are so tired. We’ve run and run and run. So all we want to do is sit down for awhile and rest. Point A is far off in the distance so it’s safe to stop and breathe for a minute. We just want to coast—just take a break and relax--- nothing wrong with that right? But when we least expect it, something jumps up and reminds us that the goal wasn’t to get away from point A, it was to get to point B. Something or someone lets us know that we aren’t “there” yet and resting on our laurels isn’t getting us any closer to our goal—to the reason we ran in the first place.

And so we stand up. Tired, bruised and bloodied, we stand up and we start moving. Our legs feel like jelly as first, the muscles quivering with exhaustion and threatening to cramp, but still we move. Soon our muscles are warmed up and we can move a little faster, maybe then jog or run. More distance is added between us and the dreaded point A as we move toward our goal—toward safety. Several times we may find ourselves too tired to go on but each time we have a choice to make. Keep moving forward or risk getting caught. Assuming we have the fortitude to go on, we eventually find ourselves within the safety of point B, reflecting on our journey and our desire to stop several times. Hindsight shows us why we couldn’t stop. Escaping point A without making it to the safety of point B would guarantee us that we’d forever be longing for point B and looking over our shoulders for the captors from point A.  Stopping in mid-journey is simply exchanging one prison for another.

Nice....

With a sad sigh of relief....

"Live strong" Lance Armstrong

I chose this quote today because Lance Armstrong has been in the news so much the last few days. Unless you've been living in a cave, you know he voluntarily gave up his fight to prove himself innocent of the alleged doping charges. He says it was time...enough was enough...he was simply exhausted from the lengthy battle. This painful decision not only included a lifetime ban of the sport of cycling but also stripped him of all seven yellow jerseys won from the Tour De France races.

There's been a lot of speculation about whether or not he was guilty of taking performance enhancing drugs or not and bowing out so suddenly has only increased the speculation. In the end, only Lance himself knows for sure and his choices are something he'll have to live with. It seems the idea of having one athlete in any sport who is a phenomenal player without the assistance of a needle is almost unheard of.

For myself, I can't imagine fighting this battle for so long and then giving up in the end but I have no idea how tiring it must have been for him. Several of his corporate sponsors are sticking by him so monetarily he'll be fine. I guess the bigger question is how will the act of being stripped of his titles affect him emotionally, especially if he truly is innocent?

Lance Armstrong has been a role model for thousands of people for many years, first as a cycling champion and then as a cancer survivor. To see a champion voluntarily handover his hard won trophies is almost to difficult to watch. And to think he's losing these titles even though he's supposedly passed every drug test he's ever taken makes it feel like a witch hunt. It's all clouded in so much mystery.

I suppose we'll never know the truth, never know if he fought for so long to cover up the lies or to defend the truth. But we can take his words, "Live Strong", and remember to live life to the fullest. Whether or not he cheated his way onto the winner's podium doesn't matter to us. Maybe cancer was his karmic revenge for lying or maybe surviving it was his karmic reward for telling the truth. In the end, it's his story to live. All we can do is try to learn from his choices, from the fevered pitch of his accusers, from his ultimate decision to end it all. He decided in the end to put his life and the lives of his family before the yellow jerseys. When you look at it from that angle, it seems like he made the best choice.

Monday morning hummms

I found two inspirational quotes that caught my eye this week and since one builds on the other, I decided to include both in my Motivational Monday post. Hope you enjoy (and are willing to comment on it too!)

“I have never in my life learned anything from any man who agreed with me.” - Dudley Field Malone

I think this is such as interesting quote because what's the first thing we do whenever we have an idea to express or a dream to defend? We go in search of someone who will agree with us, right? It's human nature. Whether we are making a slight change in our life or preparing to do something radical, we seek out the approval of someone who will tell us we are doing the right thing--making the right move--heading in the right direction. Most people do this in every area of their life, often without realizing it. How many of you belong to the same religious organization you were raised in? Many of you vote the party line (in other words, always vote Republican or Democrat) because you basically agree with the philosophy of that particular party and don't bother to investigate the standings of each individual candidate.

You can find someone to agree with anything you say or do, no matter how crazy it may seem...all you have to do is look hard enough. There are plenty of extreme examples...Hitler, Jim Jones, Timothy McVey, Charles Manson. Equally as cultish although not as deadly are some of today's TV televangelists. All these people are driven by something bigger than most of us, whether it be mental illness or the voice of God (supposedly). But even in our day-to-day life, we seek like-minded people....birds of a feather. Whether it's because we crave the recognition or simply don't have enough faith in ourselves to strike out on our own without the encouragement of the masses, we search for the approval of others. Yet the approving masses aren't going to point out the flaws in our plans. They won't burst our bubbles or shed light on the hurdles in our journeys. Maybe that's why we do it. Maybe seeing the obstacles before encountering them is too much for us. Maybe we'd give up before we even tried. I know when I was adopting my oldest son, if the adoption agency would have told me that my journey would stretch into a 2 1/2 year nightmare and cost thousands more dollars than originally planned, I wouldn't have even started. In fact, I wouldn't have adopted either of my sons out of fear. So maybe in some instances, ignorance really is bliss. But most of the time, wouldn't we be better prepared for the hurdles if we knew they were lurking out there in the darkness?

The other quote I liked so much is....

"It wasn't raining when Noah built the ark"  Howard Ruff

Now there's a guy who encountered plenty of opposition. Everyone around him must have told him he was crazy. Surely they pointed out the wastefulness of spending all his time and effort building a huge boat on dry land. I'm sure every single obstacle was pointed out to him, over and over, yet he continued his mission. Now since it's a biblical story, it's obviously about the power of faith in God, but it doesn't have to be. It's really just a story about the power of following a dream, of having a vision and going after it, no matter what hurdles lie before you or how crazy it seems to the outside world.

I'm not suggesting you quit your job to spend your days building an ark but we all have goals, dreams and desires we could be working toward. You never hear of someone wishing they had less determination. We all have things we want to change in our lives, big and small. Why not start working toward change instead of dreaming about it?

Monday Monday Monday...

I'm off to the state fair with PaPa and the boys today so I don't really have time to inspire...plus I'm still tired from moving 3000sf of crap!  But....I think this really says it all.

Comments, thoughts, musings????

Are Mondays Really Only Once A Week????

According to Pablo Picasso....

Action is the foundational key to success.

I believe most everyone would agree with that statement. It's rare to hear of someone who lives their dream life that didn't have to invest years of blood, sweat and tears to get there. With the Olympics in full swing now, we've all been watching with great interest as the elite few compete for a prize they've been chasing their whole life. It's hard not to get swept up in the idea of being the best of the best. There always seems to be that little voice in the back of our heads that makes us think we could have done that too. And maybe we could have...we the right training and the perfect coach. What else do you need....except a bit of single-minded motivation? What else you need is the willingness to sacrifice...a lot.

You see, for every Olympic champion standing on the podeum, there are hundreds who didn't quite make the team... who had an off day during the qualifying heat. These people are Olympic champions minus a fraction of a second. All these men and women worked equally as hard, often training side-by-side. All these people deserve our admiration and praise, even though only the few with medals hanging around their necks will bask in the glory.

So now when that little voice suggests you could be an Olympic champion too, ask yourself if you would be willing to do the work for fourth place? Still requires the same amount of time and effort but with significantly less glory and endorsements. Doesn't taste quite as sweet, does it? But all these athletes started their journey with the same goal in mind, knowing that only a few would make it. Yet they willingly sacrificed their lives for this dream. And their families sacrified their lives for the dream of this child. They gave up school dances and sleepovers. They altered their sleep patterns for 3AM wakeup calls and 7PM bedtimes. In some cases the whole family packed up and moved across the country so this athletic child could train with the best and if that was impossible, the child moved alone to live with strangers. They let nothing stand in the way of pursuing their dreams...knowing that the chances of actually making the Olympics was slim....yet still they sacrificed their life...still they pushed forward with their eyes on the prize.

For those who didn't quite make it, I salute you. Your single-minded devotion deserves all our praise and admiration.

So what's the moral of this Monday's Motivation? Sometimes a dream just has to be pursued...no matter what the sacrifice. Even if you don't quite make it today, you'll be among champions for tomorrow's race.

So start running!!!

Thoughts, comments, musings??????

If at first you don't succeed....

I've been trying really hard to remember this...to live my life this way....it's hard, really really hard. Seems like such a simple idea..a positive one....a no-brainer, but it's hard. Mostly because we (or at least I) get in the rut of letting things go unsaid...reading between the lines instead of asking for clarification....such an easy rut to fall into and nearly impossible to get out of.

The funny thing is, if a complete stranger were telling us a story or explaining a situation and we didn't understand him or needed more details, we'd simply ask...because that shows interest and concern...doing this makes us a good listener....a kind hearted person....a giver...a caring individual...

So why don't we treat those close to us the same way? Isn't it the same act of kindness, no matter who we are focusing on? Why do our actions change so drastically, depending on who holds our attention? Why is it an act of kindness for a stranger but confrontation with a loved one?

Thoughts, comments, ideas??????

Write your own....

Sometimes, without warning, the future knocks on our door with a precious and painful vision of what might be. Over a hundred years ago, a wealthy inventor read his own obituary, mistakenly published years before his death. Wrongly believing the inventor had just died, a newspaper printed a harsh judgment of his life's work, unfairly labeling him "The Merchant of Death" because of his invention--dynamite. Shaken by this condemnation, the inventor made a fateful choice to serve the cause of peace. The inventor was Alfred Nobel who seven years later created The Nobel Peace Prize and the others that bear his name.

I wonder, what would my obituary say? I look back at my life, trying to imagine it in print. Sure there were moments of greatness worthy of praise and respect but there were probably many more regretful decisions made. It's easy to say I have no regrets, that I lived my life in the best way possible at any given moment and only with the assistance of hindsight do the mistakes become glaringly obvious. Saying these words, having this opinion is one thing...actually putting my life choices in print is a whole different ballgame. Try it. Simply take one moment worthy of praise or regret from your past. Think about that moment and then try to describe it in words. Suddenly seeing those words before you make them seem much more harsh or painful. It's not easy to describe a former decision in a concise, to-the-point manner and still give an accurate representation of the events. 

The obituary of Alfred Nobel is a perfect example. He was a great inventor of dynamite. His invention changed the building and mining industries forever. But the writer of his obit focused on the dangers of dynamite and the costly toll it's use demands from mankind. The same can be true of all of us. Something we did for all the right reasons can look selfish or harmful when described in writing. The question is...which is it...selfish or selfless? Does the act of printing our past bring to light all the flaws we've worked so hard to ignore?

Just for the heck of it, write your own obituary....see what the world sees when they think of you and your life. It's time to be recognized for your accomplishments and it's never too late to change course if you have your own form of dynamite in your past.

"Today I will not worry about that which I can not control"


Such a simple, direct quote. Doesn't really leave much room for interpretation does it? Or does it?


Think about all the things you worry about it your life. Take just a moment to analyze every fleeting thought that breezes through your mind in one day. Most of us worry....a lot. Maybe we don't have the big, full-blown, can't sleep, eat or concentrate worries but we all have the moments of angst, brow-furrowing, lip-chewing moments of uncertainty and concern. Those moments are technically moments of "worry" too. You can be having a conversation with a friend and actually see their emotions change to concern or worry for just a second if you watch their faces closely. Depending on the conversation, their eyes may drop or look away and their face and shoulders will drop just slightly. Or they may be strong enough to maintain eye contact with you but their eyebrows will scrunch together for a split second and the expression in their eyes will change from one of bright-eyed interest to a softly, slightly doe-eyed look. If they have a nervous habit, it will appear in this moment. Their body language will give you a dozen clues if you know what to look for. Most likely, your body language says the same thing to anyone watching you. 


My point in mentioning this is for you to become aware of your own emotions. We all worry about something a hundred times a day but most of us don't recognize it because we classify "worry" as a much stronger emotion, not realizing that it's available in a whole range of depth.


So humor me for a second and let's just assume we all agree with that statement. So we all worry a lot, then how much time is spent worrying about things we can not control? I bet right now you could make a list of everything buzzing through your mind and immediately divide each one into categories of things you can control and things you can't. Try it right now if you want to...it's really not that hard. Now take a hard look at the things you can't control and ask yourself if that's really true.


You can't control how someone acts or reacts but you can control how you deliver information to them, treat them or what you're willing to take from them. So you actually have a some control in this situation...maybe this item needs to be moved to the other side of your list.


You can't control the policies or procedures in your workplace but you can control whether or not you stay. So again, maybe you should move this one over.


You can't control the expectations of your bank, credit card companies or loan holders but you can decide how deep you're willing to dig and how extra hard you're willing to work to get out from under these loan sharks and never get in this position again....so move it on over.


You get the idea....maybe we have more control than we think. Nowadays, the word control gets a bad rap but the truth is, we are almost always a willing participant in every situation. We nearly always have some level of control...a piece of the pie...a skin in the game...ownership. The truth is there just isn't many situations that we can claim to an actual victim. 


So, in the end, I'm not suggesting we control everything so we should worry about everything. I'm suggesting we control everything so we shouldn't waste time worrying about but instead spend our time doing something to change it.


So do you feel motivated? Because I'd love to hear about it if you do...or don't....Ya know,in the COMMENTS section!!!

Sometimes Monday comes early....

This was forwarded to me today by one of my blog readers. I considered saving it for Monday but you could all use a little mid-week motivational pick me up, right?


This quote comes from Alan Alda...some of you may remember him as Hawkeye Pierce on the TV show 'Mash'. Not only is it a good one, it absolutely, 100% describes my life at this moment in time.


Be brave enough to live life creatively. 
You have to leave the city of your comfort and go into the wilderness of your intuition.
You can't get there by bus, only by hard work and risk and by not quite knowing what you're doing.
What you'll discover will be wonderful.
What you'll discover will be yourself.


For some of my friends, family and acquaintances, my life changing choices of the past twelve months have been considered courageous--other might be leaning toward crazy. Both would be right to a degree. I think my decisions have been courageous and crazy--somewhat. Probably about 10% of each so that leaves 80% unaccounted for. (Those of you in the business world are familiar with the 80/20 rule...looks like it applies to more than just business) The truth is, it isn't the courage that propels me forward or the craziness that caused me to jump. It was the 80% that made me wake up one day and say, "I'm done". And anyone who knows me knows that when I say I'm done, I mean it. It's the 80% that moves me, motivates me, inspires me. It's the resolve to refuse to settle for this anymore, to reach for something outside of my comfort zone, to be willing to give up all comforts in pursuit of something new. It's listening to that little voice inside me that's keeping gnawing at my gut and whispering inside my head telling me there has to be more to life than this. That's where my strength lies. I listen to my gut and I believe what I'm hearing. So many of us try to ignore it, pretend it doesn't exist, make excuses, whatever. We've all been there and done that. So about 10% of the time I'm courageous enough to follow my heart and another 10% of time I'm crazy enough to try just about anything. The rest of the time, I just listen and believe what I hear/feel is my truth trying to be free.


I wish I could say I always listen to my gut instinct the first time it speaks to me....I wish that were true, but it isn't. I do listen, but it might take a while for me to acknowledge it. So doesn't that mean I'm just like you? And doesn't that mean, you can do it too?

Can Ya Help A Girl Out????

For those of you who seem to find it nearly impossible to leave comments on this blog (that would be most of you!), I've added a "Reactions" line at the bottom of the post, below the "Comments" link. If it works correctly, all you have to do is put a checkmark beside the appropriate reaction. Could you, would you test it out for me please?
On this post...right now...it'll only take a second...actually less than that...just a fraction of a second...come on...you can do it...just check a box...any box...pleeeeeeaseeeee!


(or you could leave a comment!)

Wow, Monday comes around fast!

Monday is here again and I'm glad to begin a new week. It's a fresh start. Last week was...well....enlightening, painful, sad, shocking... I feel like a scab has been ripped off and an old wound exposed except it's not my wound. Yet still I feel it. Still the pain runs deep.

As you all know, I've made a video to market myself and get my book published. My mom, ever my champion, sent the link to the video to old friends and family...many whom I haven't seen or talked to in decades. One person in particular, someone I was very close to as a child, contacted me after voting for my video and we began emailing back and forth...reacquainting ourselves after twenty years of separation. We shared a little small talk but mostly went straight to the heart of the matter. After viewing my video, she was suddenly aware of a small piece of my family secrets. As it turns out, she has a family secret of her own.... a secret that began when she was a small child. In fact, it was going on right under my nose at the same time when we were so close but she never told me. She was too scared to tell anyone. My family secret was occurring at the same time too yet I kept it to myself for the same reason. Fear. Shame. Humiliation. Embarrassment. We were just little kids yet instead of running straight to the people we trusted the most, we allowed fear to rule and kept quiet. We were just little kids, too young to process what was happening to us.

As we emailed back and forth over the course of the week, the secrets and confusion seemed to pile up. At one point it felt like we were almost trying to one-up each other. Almost like "oh yeah, well did you know about this....". It was a very emotionally draining week although it actually felt good to get it all out in the open....I guess I know now what it means to "air your dirty laundry". That's what it felt like...like fresh air was being let into a filthy, stinky room.

Discussing the demons from our past brought up an old memory for me. It involved me at the young age of 10 or 11 and a neighbor boy who was already a teenager. Without getting into details, let just say it was a terrifying day for me--one that could have turned out really, really badly. For the first time, I told my mom about that day. She knew nothing about it because I was home alone when it all happened. Immediately she asked me why I didn't tell her at the time and looking back, it does seem weird because we were so close. But I didn't. I was so scared....too scared to tell anyone.

This past week has really made me realize how easily we are manipulated by fear. There is definitely a time and a place for fear. When your life is in danger or if someone is harming you either physically, mentally or emotionally. When you're about to take that shortcut through a dark alley and your gut twists with trepidation. Those situations evoke a primal response--fight or flight. Fear is a necessary emotion during any of those moments but somehow we've become a species that allows it to control most of our lives. The fear you experience when you're afraid to move forward with a dream or to live your life with or without your spouse (or partner or best friend or family member or whomever). Then there's the fear that keeps you chained to a job you hate, a rut you're tired of, a life you never wanted. There's the fear of trying and the fear of failing. The fear of dying and the fear of living. The fear of dreaming and of succeeding. The fear of hoping and of the unknown. For every possible positive emotion, there is the flip side of fear. We've all experienced it. You put your head down and you hustle and hustle but then one day you look up and wonder how you got here. That's when the fear grabs you, stopping you in your tracks or keeping you running in the wrong direction. Fear holds your eyes closed, refusing to let you see the light. Fear paints everything in a dark, bleak color. It paralyzes you and stops your breathing. Fear is thousand times worse than whatever you are actually afraid of. I have never heard of anyone who actually faced their fear and then declared, "My God, that was so much worse than I thought it would be"! There is always a sense of relief when we finally stop running long enough to actually get a good look at whatever we think is chasing us. We've all heard that old quote from FDR--"there is nothing to fear but fear itself". The truth is fear really is the only thing holding us back from the life we want. I'm not saying if you let go of fear then everything will be easy but at least your life will move forward and eventually you've be exactly where you want to be. Fear is an indication that something is wrong in your life. Fear is like a bright red arrow beaming out of the darkness, pointing you in a new direction. We assume fear is an indicator of a problem...instead we should follow the bright red arrow since it's guiding us toward a solution. It's telling you that something is wrong and needs to be changed. It's trying to guide you out of the darkness.

Unfortunately most of the time fear freezes us in our tracks, holds us back, limits and breaks us. Fear becomes our prison and if we do not fight it, it'll become a life sentence. Face your fear. Stand up to it and don't back down. Say the words you're afraid of...out loud and with witnesses. Don't imprison yourself in the darkness. No matter what it is, big or small, life-altering or not...just say it, share it, face it...conquer it. Don't let fear control you for another moment longer. Break free from the prison.

I'm taking my power back!!!

If you who know me very well, then you know I am very spiritual but definitely not religious. You also know I've worked very hard over the past twenty years or so to enlighten myself...to come to terms with my rights and my wrongs...to identify my own faults and work to overcome them...to recognize the good in myself and in others...to basically find balance in all areas of my life. Recently it occurred to me that I've been giving credit where it really wasn't due and it's time to give myself the credit. Let me explain.....


As you all know, I don't like where I live. It's too conservative politically, lacks diversity, lies on the belt buckle of the bible belt and hello, can we talk about the humidity? Have ya seen what humidity does to my hair? On top of that, I really don't respect the client my former employer worked with and the job I had was a horrible fit for me. In other words, my life was filled with circumstances that I didn't necessarily choose but had to work with. But as most of you know, even though I don't care for a lot of things here, I've always given thanks for how my time here has improved my life in many ways...such as-
     Moving here allowed me to be with my favorite aunt during the last month of her life--there aren't words strong enough to convey the value of that treasure.
     Moving here allowed me to help my niece by caring for her infant daughter while she built her career and I was blessed with this very special little girl in my home for the first 5 1/2 years of her life-- another gift too precious for words.
     Taking that job and making that crazy income allowed me to adopt my two sons-- a gift I can't imagine living without.
     Moving here, working for this company brought a handful of friends into my life that are true treasures--the kind that are willing to work at a relationship even if we live a thousand miles apart (as we soon will)---priceless


I truly believe in being grateful, in recognizing the good that lies buried in the bad...and there always seems to be at least a tiny speck of good in there if you are willing to dig long enough and deep enough. Sometimes you need a high-powered microscope to find it, but it's in there!


So all this time, I've been gratefully giving credit to this state and this job for all these wonderful things...sharing my aunt's final days on earth, sharing my niece's first days on earth, sharing my days on earth with two amazing little humans who change my life a little bit everyday. There's a lot of gratitude in my heart for all these things but it's finally occurred to me that neither this state nor this job deserve any of the credit or gratitude.  Does that sound like an ungrateful statement? Let's dig a little digger....


The truth is-


My Aunt K was a second mother to me. She was a friend, a confidant, a mentor, an ally and more and more and more. She knew my secrets and I knew hers, secrets we promised to take to the grave. In fact, the day before she died, she reminded me that my secrets were safely on their way to her grave and she expected the same from me. I haven't let her down. Even though we didn't always see eye to eye, especially in her final years, she never crossed my mind without bringing a smile to my face, before or after her death. My respect for her is beyond measure but as I matured and traveled the world, I learn to recognize that she was a little bit prejudice ...something she would also recognize and regret in her final days (isn't that always the way?). As I developed my own personality and strengths, her conservative views didn't even come close to my liberal ones...which always made for a lively debate although never heated or hateful. In truth, as I grew up, we grew apart. Traveling with my job made it very difficult to see her but in all honesty, I hadn't made much of an effort in the last two years before her death. That's time I'll never get back and I'll always regret losing. But taking a new job and transferring to a new city meant I was living only a few hours away from her when I called her on September 16, 2003 to wish her a happy 62nd birthday. Unfortunately we both learned of her stage four cancer diagnosis on that day. I can't begin to explain the feeling of my whole body going numb...my ears ringing...fighting to hold down the rising vomit in my throat....a piece of me died that day, six weeks before she would die too. But the truth is, even though this new job and new city made it easy to spend that final month with her, nothing would have stopped me from being there. Had I stayed with my previous employer or even gone with a different one, I still would have taken a leave of absence or even quit my job if necessary. There was no reason big enough to keep me from her. 


Also, moving here made it logistically easier to help my nieces and I cherished those five years when they lived with me but once again, distance would not have prevented that from happening. It wouldn't have mattered if I lived here or Florida or Timbuktu....I suspect my niece would have turned to me for help and I would have gladly given it. To some degree, I suppose my relationship with my nieces was similar to the relationship I had with my aunt. Not exactly the same, but there are similarities.


And that brings me to my sons. I firmly believe that those guys were meant to be in my life. Yes, this job with its crazy income made it easier for me to adopt them but the world is filled with people who live paycheck to paycheck and still find a way to adopt. I have no doubt that these two little men and I would have found a way to be a family. Maybe it would have required an adoption loan or who knows, but we would have made it happen. I have no doubt of that.


So all that leaves are the incredibly great friends I've gained from living here and working there. Somehow I think we would have found a way to become friends even without the common threads. I don't know how or why, but I just think we were meant to enrich each others lives so maybe we would have met on vacation or at a conference...who knows but I'm sure it would have happened.


So there you have it. I'm not giving credit to a state or a job for the good things in my life anymore. Those things are there because I worked for them, I believed in them, I refused to live without them. I deserve the credit and I'm taking it back!!


Comments, thoughts, musings????

Is it Monday again???

Ready for some mo-ti-vatin'??? I have actually found several quotes that caught my attention and I think they tie together nicely.... Read them slowly, one at a time. Contemplate how each one applies to your life before moving on to the next.  

• You've got to be the hero in your own life story. (author unknown)

• Take a deep breath, pick yourself up, dust yourself  off, and start all over again.  Frank Sinatra

• Nobody gets to live life backwards. Look ahead, that is where your future lies. Ann Landers

Now read them all again without pausing.

You've got to be the hero in your own life story so take a deep breath, pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and start all over again because nobody gets to live life backwards. Look ahead, that is where your future lies.

Notice how differently they feel when you ingest them separately as opposed to reading them as one cohesive unit? Same message...different voice. 

While each quote certainly stands on its own, I think together they offer a more complete message; a message that not only inspires you but guides you at the same time.

What do you think? Comments, thoughts, musings? (yes, more comments please and yes, if you're reading this then I'm talking to you)

Comments....

Okay, time to crack the whip!! I need you guys to comment on my blog...not to my face or in a well-worded email but in the comments section after each post!


For those who receive the post via email, you will need to go out to the actual blog address -  www.athousanddifferences.blogspot.com


At the bottom of the post, you'll see  No comments:  or if someone has already commented then it will say 1 comment, 2 comments, etc.


It's easy to do. You can be anonymous or put in your initials or whatever you want and you don't have to say much. Simply "I agree" or "something to think about" or "I'm in" or a two page diatribe about how you disagree with my thoughts...seriously, it's up to you but I NEED some comments.


So here's what I'm asking for...votes on my video and comments on the blog...a twenty second investment is all I need!


Comments, thoughts, musings or ideas???

Get out and vote!!!

Okay actually I need you to vote for me...for my video...for a synapses of my life story.


As most of you know, I'm trying to get a book published and in today's market, publishers expect new writers to come complete with a following and the willingness to market themselves...hence the video. Please follow the link below and  go vote for me. You don't even have to watch the video if you don't want to but just vote and get your friends and family to vote too please. 


www.nextgreatspeaker.com/?aid=40


Thanks for your support!!

Monday Morning Mumblings....

For those of you who receive this post via email, I apologize if it's late getting to you. I was traveling all day Sunday and didn't get it out until late.



Be the change you wish to see in the world.

This is a very famous quote from Ghandi. I'm sure most of us have all heard or read it at one time or another. I love this quote although I've always thought about it on a grand scale. It's always been an admirable quote that felt almost awe-inspiring in its size...sort of a change THE world, not YOUR world type.

But I wonder what it means if I apply it to my world......

I have a cousin..a 2nd cousin actually...who is struggling with both of his parents alcohol addiction. He's a very sensitive, creative 20-something kid who should have run as far away as possible after graduating from college yet found himself back in the same small town he grew up in. I suspect he came back to care for his parents, both who refuse to acknowledge they have a problem. I wish he could let them handle their own problems and move on with his life, but he can't. I wish he could help them from afar, but he's can't seem to break away. I wish a lot of things for him...I wish he could see how other families including ours has suffered so much, been held prisoner so long, by someone else's addiction. I wish he'd been born into a different family but.....


As my cousin tries to "fix" his adult parents, he mentioned his main goal with them was working on communication, something very lacking our family. It makes me wonder if our struggle with communicating stems from our gene pool. My mom said as kids they weren't allowed to argue, fight, disagree or even discuss negative feelings and emotions. Maybe that's where it all started...maybe our gene pool is broken. When I look at my own immediate family, I don't see a strong line of communication with us either. I deeply regret not talking to my sister more openly about her addiction before it was too late. Don't get me wrong, there's no doubt in my mind that talking to her wouldn't have changed her. In fact, the few times I did mention it, her response always involved the phrase, "I don't do no bullshit drugs". Obviously you can only go so far when the other person won't even admit to the problem. But I do believe having a more open line of communication would have changed me. Knowing I did all I could, there'd be no regrets. Instead, I'll always wonder... And I'll always regret my family's lack of communicating skills...even as I try desperately to change them.


I have a few family members who like to disappear whenever they are up to something that they know is a bad idea but they're doing it anyway. No more phone calls, you rarely see them and the few times you do, they barely look you in the eye. It's incredibly obvious and accomplishes nothing. If you're a grown adult engaging in adult behavior, no matter bad or stupid it is, you should be willing to explain yourself instead of hiding and immediately putting yourself in a defensive mood. Such a stressful way to live. I have a niece who HATES confrontation so much she handles difficult situations like a fifteen year old instead of being an adult and discussing her situation from the beginning. Unfortunately, by refusing to be honest and straight forward from the beginning, she puts herself in a place where confrontation is almost guaranteed...the very thing she's trying to avoid. Why can't she just be honest from the beginning and make it easier on herself? Personally I despise nagging, I can't stand being put in that position. Yet I am always attempting to help people who are struggling with one thing or another and I always trust them to act like an adult and hold up their end of whatever bargain we made (just as I would if the roles were reversed) but I'm constantly getting let down and ultimately put in a position where I have to nag them to do their part. I'm a smart girl...why do I keep traveling the same road expecting different results? Open, honest communication....we actually suck at it. Why can't we just be honest with each other?


Part of the reason I started this blog was to open up my line of communication with others, especially my family. It's my goal to feel more normal personally and to give us all the chance to talk about things and become more normal-ish as a family. Several of us have said on more than one occasion that we wished we had a "normal" family instead of the crazy, dysfunctional one we were born into so I know I'm not alone in wanting this... yet only one member of my family has attempted to open up the lines of communication and so far it's fallen completely flat for her too. Not one other adult has done his/her part to invest in a more normal family life with us. In fact, I think since my sister's death, we have drifted into deeper dysfunction. So what is this saying? That we all want normal but only if we can continue acting dysfunctional while waiting for someone else to "fix" us? Doesn't it come right back to Ghandi's quote? We have to be the change we want to see? So doesn't that mean if you want a normal family then you have to do your part to bring normal to the family. Doesn't it mean you have step out of your comfort zone and try to be open and honest with everyone while hoping their reactions are supportive or at least tolerant versus assuming the worst?


I suppose that's what I'm doing right here and right now. I'm working toward normal and I'm leaving dysfunction behind. I've been working on leaving it behind for quite awhile now but maybe I need to put it in black and white so here it is. I'm telling everyone in my family that I'm being the change I want to see so if you're willing, feel free to open up and come along...because I'm not looking back anymore.  My bad communication has been a part of the problem all these years and you can't be part of the problem and the solution both! The last half of my life isn't going to resemble the first half....I can promise you that. I am just soooo tired of all the dysfunction...their dysfunction, my dysfunction, all of it. I've been working really hard to get rid of it all and I thought everyone was on board, ready to give "normal" a try. I'm so tired of talk, talk, talk...inspirational and motivational quotes that pass over the lips but go on farther. I'm tired of hearing one thing while watching another...I'm just so tired of the games. It would mean a lot to me if just one person would step up, admit their own mistakes as I'm trying to do and come along for the ride to "normal"....but it's their decision.


I'm being honest and open about who I am and what I'm doing in my life and assuming everyone's being supportive or at least tolerant but even if they aren't, this train has already left the station. Sooooo.....


Not sure if this motivated you but it sure as hell motivated me! Have a great Monday and think about changing something in your life today!!

Who knew you'd be put to work!?!?!

Hey friends and followers-


I've had several people tell me recently that they've forwarded my blog on to friends so I have added a "Followers" icon to the left. Once again, I'm begging for comments and now followers....it's really needed to prove to the publishing world that I'm legit.


I have no idea how easy or difficult it is to "follow" my blog but really would appreciate it if you'd give it a try.


Thanks so much for all your help...
DB

When is "too much" actually too much?

One two separate occasions today I had conversations with friends about needy people. We all agreed that needy people, no matter how nice they appeared to be, are too draining to keep in our lives. As one friends put it, life's simply too short. These conversations made me think...kinda made me go "hummm".


As I said, we've all had friends and acquaintances who are just too needy to keep around. I'm sure you can think of at least one or two without giving it much thought. But then I started to think about people who are part-time needy. What I mean by that is someone who has moments of excessive neediness but isn't that way all the time. How do you maintain your relationship with that person?


Do you know someone who acts normal most of the time but when life deals them a curveball, they basically shutdown, freak out or go into the fetal position? These people will suck the life out of you when they're in a full-blown panic, almost like a drowning man who holds a lifeguard underwater until the rescuer has to make a decision...it's either him or me. Do you know someone like that? Maybe they are going thru a bad breakup or divorce...possibly a layoff or job transfer to Timbuktu...experiencing a illness personally or within their family...going thru foreclosure or bankruptcy....even trying unsuccessfully to get pregnant, have IVF treatments or adopt a child. These type of people don't seem to drain you over the little things, it's always the big moments in life, the one's that will make you feel really guilty if you pull away from them when they need you the most. But even though these friends don't drain you 24/7, they make up for it when they do. How do you handle a friendship with that person? Even if they are great most of the time, when life kicks them in the teeth, they expect your life to go into a holding pattern while you either solve their problem, listen to their nonstop complaining, witness their nervous breakdown or work up the nerve to shoot them in the behind with a tranquilizer dart big enough to bring down Secretariat!


So how do you handle those situations? If you follow the 80/20 rule, let's assume they are great 80% of the time but make you feel like you've been pulled thru a knothole backwards the other 20%... does the 80% carry you thru? Can you prep yourself during the good times enough to survive the 20%?


I don't know about you, but personally I don't think you can ever have too many tranquilizer darts....I'm just saying!


So what do you think? How do you feel? Thoughts? Comments?  Hint, hint...COMMENTS! Come on people...get on board or this ship is sailing without ya!