Are you tired?

"One of the quickest ways to become exhausted is by suppressing your feelings." -Sue Patton Thoele, 1988

This quote is new to me, but rings so true. Pretending to be someone we are not- to be happy in our relationships or our jobs, smiling on the outside while hurting on the inside--all of these things will wear you down if done for very long at all. At first glance it seems ridiculous to expect everyone to express every single emotion but I don't believe this quote is that superficial. We all know where this can be applied to our lives. We all have situations where someone hurts our feelings or bulldozes over what we want in lieu of what they want. Often we bite our tongues--saying nothing. We all have situations in our lives that are making us miserable--current relationships, past relationships, jobs, coworkers, finances, etc.. How many times do we suck it up and get on with life simply because it seems easier or we made our beds so now we must lie in them? How many times do you say you're in a rut but do nothing to get out of it? How much easier is it to allow someone to treat you like a doormat because that's how it's always been and it's too late to stand up for yourself now? Do you feel like you just don't want to make waves?


Do you wake up tired and go to sleep tired? Are you functioning thru the day like a robot? Do you feel like you just want to lay down and rest for a few minutes yet sleep is always so elusive? Maybe it's time to be honest with yourself or those around you. Maybe it's time to honor your feelings instead of settle for someone else's.

A Continued Rant...

Yesterday's blog discussed a quote claiming people in our lives are a reflection of who we are at the moment, not necessarily who we really are. I've been thinking about that a lot, trying to apply it to every person in my life (past and present) in an attempt to see "who I am or was" in the moment I interacted with them.


One former friend in particular stuck out in my mind so I'm trying to determine if I was who she thought I was at the time of our friendship's demise.  This is literally a work in progress since I have no idea what the conclusion to this experiment will be so here goes.


So I had this friend. She and I really weren't anything alike and probably would not have developed a friendship in the real world but in the arena of working in the same office with only a couple of other women swimming in a sea of men...we met and a friendship was born. She and I had very little in common with our background, but I was accustom to the that thanks to my crazy dysfunctional past. We also didn't have personalities that meshed in any way but a few interests were similar enough to forge a relationship.


She had a personality that could soar high in the clouds or crash land. Her quicksilver temper often left me speechless and fearing for her life. In other words, her moods were unpredictable and spending time with her was like riding a roller coaster in the dark--with potential to be the most fun you've ever had or it could leave you trembling with fear and sitting in a puddle of your own urine! Which personality would  show up was anyone's guess.


The breakdown of our friendship began when a mutual friend asked me to lunch (twice) without including her. She has a son struggling with addiction and needed to talk--needed advice--needed reassurance. Basically she needed an outlet to vent and since she knew I'd "been there and done that", she invited me out of the office for an in prompt-to therapy session. At the time, I had been working through most lunches because I was behind on my hours and trying to catch up, but I knew our mutual friend needed me so there was no way I could turn her down.


The first time we went out to lunch without her, she was angry but got over it. (Strangely, even though she had an explosive temper, she didn't confront me but instead choose to give me the cold shoulder). A couple of weeks later, the fateful second lunch occurred and our friendship ended at that moment. Again, she never confronted me or chose to take the high road to get my side of the story....or actually any part of the story. Instead she decided to be passive-aggressive and let me know through the grapevine that she was tired of being used by me. I'm not completely sure how I'd used her, but that was her opinion of the situation.


In hindsight, I realize I should have been the bigger person and simply tried to explain myself....I should have told her I was going to lunch without her and why...maybe explaining before hand would have been enough to prevent her hurt feelings. I should have asked her to talk about why she was so angry in an attempt to salvage our friendship. I should have done a lot of things but instead I did nothing. I allowed her to wallow in her pain--feeling alone and hurt. I have no idea why she felt like I used her but if that's how she truly felt then somehow I must have used her...at least in her definition of being used. I should have handled it differently but when our friendship ended so abruptly, I felt a sense of relief. I suddenly realized how drained I felt in this relationship. I had no idea how much effort I'd put into trying to keep her from plunging onto the dark side of her personality by constantly discussing the exact same situation over and over and continually offering the same advice...that she never took. In a flash it was like my energy tank was suddenly refilled to high! I felt so good without her!!! Yet I also felt really bad because she was so hurt and angry. It was such a weird mixture of emotions, I really wasn't sure what to do...so I did nothing. I realize now that I handled it completely wrong. I had been feeling very drained by her for several months prior but didn't say anything because how do you tell a friend of several years that you suddenly need to distance yourself from them? How do you say that without causing real damage to them? I couldn't...I didn't...and so it ended without so much as a good-bye, good luck or kiss my butt. She probably still hates me to this day.


So how did she represent who I was at that moment in my life? Our personalities weren't similar although we both had a tendency to bury our pain and only reveal it to our closest friends. We both had allowed our past to influence our present even though we weren't willing to recognize it in the moment. We both found ways to justify why we carried our past baggage into the future and would defend our decisions with vigor. We both felt used by the other person even though it took something big to make us realize it.


So in hindsight, it's obvious how she reflected me. Even though we didn't look like an obvious match on the surface, it was everything bubbling below that made us comrades. And even though she handled her pain in a very passive-aggressive manner of refusing to talk about how I hurt her, I did the same thing by refusing to be the first to give in, by refusing to simply ask her why she was so upset. We both drew a line in the sand and then got our feelings hurt when the other refused to step over it.


Several years have passed since our falling out and whenever someone asks me what happened, I always say she got mad because I went to lunch with someone else. It's a truthful answer, but also a belittling one. I come out smelling like a rose while she looks like a crazed lunatic. I realize now how wrong I've been, how badly I've handled it. I don't want our relationship back but I do wish her the best and hope that she's moved on to a better place in her life. And I now realize that her pain wasn't any different than mine. She truly was a reflection of myself in the moment, albeit an explosive one. I'm digging and clawing to become a different person today so I doubt we'd have the same things in common now. If she's still the same person she was, she'd no longer reflect who I am and I suspect had our friendship remained, we would have simply grown apart. The one thing I'm not sure of is if it's possible to grow as much as I've grown while holding on to dysfunctional relationships. I suspect I would have had to make a choice--hold on to everything familiar or let go and grow forward without them.


From now on, if someone asks me what happened to us, I'm simply going to say we had a misunderstanding and couldn't seem to recover from it. Mistakes were made on both sides.


Even though she won't ever get this message, I hope she feels a slight change and somehow my apology wafts through the air and into her thoughts. Because I do wish her the very best in life. Good luck friend.

It's Monday again!....

Hope you're enjoying Motivational Mondays...please feel free to toss out an opinion in the comments section every now and then so I know I'm not talking to myself. Throw a girl a bone!!!


So here's my motivational quote for this week which as it turns out is not actually a quote but instead a comment made in a book I'm reading. Hope you like it as much as I do.....


“Your friends simply reflect who you think you are at any given point, not necessarily who you really are". Mike Dooley


Can you sense the depth of this remark? I'm sure we've all had moments where trouble bubbles up between us and a friend. In that moment, we experience a side of them we didn't know existed or maybe one we'd chosen to ignore and we ask ourselves how we ended up with a friend who isn't really a friend...who doesn't "fit" with who we are. In actuality we could remove the word "friends" from the quote and change it to anyone who takes up space in your life. It might make a long and awkward quote, but our friends aren't the only ones who deserve top billing in this statement. Anyone we surround ourselves with..friends, spouses, ex-spouses, boyfriends/girlfriends/partners/lovers, in-laws, coworkers, basically anyone we've chosen to allow into our lives, all have the potential to reflect our own shortcomings or our best assets back in our faces. 


Using myself as an example, there are two traits that I find ultra-important in any relationship I have in my life. Of course there's a list of wants and needs but really only two things on the Must-have list. To be a valued member of my life, the other person must be loyal and respectful. Both of these traits are a huge part of who I really am. It hasn't always been obvious from the outside because in the past I've viewed the world from the point of who I thought I was or who I thought I was suppose to be instead of who I really am. For example, I have family members who fight to defend their positions during a moment of drama and then after all the craziness dies down, they go right back to the same people, places and things that caused the problem in the first place. That's always been hard for me because I'm an analyzer and when someone hurts me or someone I love, I dig in to see who's at fault and what caused the problem. I don't like setting myself up to get hurt over and over, especially by the same people doing the same thing in the same situation. I can't enjoy life while holding my breath waiting for everything to explode.


Their "get over it" mentality has always been tough for me.  If I wanted to keep the people I loved in my life, I had to swallow my misgivings and "get over it". For me, getting over it means analyzing it, determine who was at fault and if they were reacting to a problem or initiating it and then deciding if they should remain in my life or not. I don't believe in "getting over it", I prefer to "get past it". For my family, getting over it means pushing it down so they don't have to deal with it and then we all get to experience it all over again when the next problem bubbles up, dragging the past issues along with it. They might "get over it" but they never get passed it because they don't deal with it in the first place. They think it's so much easier to pretend it never happened.. for now at least.... I hate their so-called solutions because it solves nothing and guarantees the drama continues for-ever but they are my family and I love them so I have to respect their choices and live with the drama, right? RIght? Well, yes, the person I thought I was at that moment had to play along to remain in their story, no matter how bad it really was.


For years I played along...I couldn't pretend to get over it but I lived with their choices and swallowed the sick feeling that washed over me every time I was forced to deal with it. It's only been in the last few years that I've finally found the strength to stand up completely on my own two feet and push back when someone tries to make me accept their choices, especially those who are repeat offenders. I'm pretty sure my sister's death caused the avalanche of reality that made me stronger..made me find my real self and begin living who I really am. My sister was by far the hardest person to fight. She didn't accept anyone else's right to live their own choices unless they meshed with her choices. Mine never did and she never allowed me to just live my life while she lived hers. She would pop up every now and then, always in an attempt to force me to swallow her lifestyle with a fake smile. She did this to the whole family. Some of us swallowed it and some of us didn't.


My sister wasn't the only member of my family who thought their lifestyle choices should be welcomed with open arms by all, even if we don't agree with them. My sister was definitely the most vocal and confrontational, but not the only one. As I've worked to become truer to myself, I've removed the veil I used to I view my family --the rose colored glasses are gone. I see all of us more clearly now. Sadly, it's not a pretty picture. The family tree is filled with people who made semi-bad to horrible choices and rather than living with the consequences of their actions, they chose to pretend the bad choices never happened or they developed selective memory and suddenly the bad choice wasn't really that bad after all. We all know the famous quotes "those who don't remember the past are condemned to repeat it" and "those who don't learn from history are destined to repeat it". My family could be poster children for either of those. Make bad choice--"get over it"--repeat bad choice--"get over it"-- you see where this is going, right?


In trying to determine who I really am and why I don't seem to fit well with some of my family members, I discovered the not so obvious reason. I'm not smarter, stronger or wiser than my family and I've certainly made my share of mistakes--some really bad ones and a few stupid ones too.  What I discovered is that all this time, I've been living my life with people who reflect who I thought I was. We are family and I thought that somehow that meant I had to live with whatever they threw at me because that's what family does. But I realize now that it has been very one-sided. They don't respect my choices or who I am. Who I am is a loyal and respectful person. I treat people with respect and I'm loyal...I expect the same from those in my life. If I tell you I'm going to do something, then I do it. If I drag you into a mess I've made in my life, with your help I get out and I don't jump back into the pool. When someone hurts my friend or my family, I'm loyal to my people and I'm done with the person doing the hurting. If you come to me and tell me all the horrible things someone else did or said to you, then I no longer want that other person in your life or mine. I'm loyal to you...all the time, not just when you're upset with someone else and I don't "get over it" just because you've decided to ignore all the warning bells going off in your gut while you run back into the same ol' crappy life. My loyalty doesn't stop just because you've decided to "get over it" and pretend that he/she/they didn't hurt you or you're now justifying their actions by spinning the blame to be 100% yours. I don't buy their bullshit even if you're eating it up with spoon. You may be okay with being disrespected but I can't pretend that it's okay. 


But these very people who I've been loyal to and always try to treat with respect thru lots of "thick and thin", haven't treated me the same way. I suppose because that's not who they really are. They've looked me in the eye with a promise yet once I hold up my end of the bargain, they're able to ignore the agreement and never speak of it again. I've had very disrespectful things said about me to them yet they don't defend me, instead choosing to "ignore" the offensive remarks. They don't seem to care how disloyal this is to me. Not once did they offer the same level of respect to me that I've given them. At my core, I am a loyal and respectful person but the person I thought I had to be often handed out respect and loyalty yet accepted getting none of it in return. The person I thought I was accepted the unfair treatment so the people around me truly were a reflection of who I thought I was. It was only by luck that I  pulled a few friends into my inner circle who actually reflected my true self...who are both respectful and loyal to me...who I can truly count on. By drawing these people into my life, it became impossible to ignore how broken my relationships were with others. Surrounding myself with the good relationships shined a spotlight on the bad ones and I've never been one to ignore the obvious. Something had to change and we all know you can't change other people so that meant I had to be the one to change. So what were my choices? I could continue to accept being treated with disrespect and no loyalty or I could refuse to tolerate it anymore. In other words, I could "get over it" or get past it. Amazing how the exact same choices just kept floating to the top. But now it's personal. I'm not on the outside looking in. I'm not watching someone else "get over it" while gritting my teeth in frustration. Now I have to either eat my words or talk my talk and walk my walk. Not gonna lie...it's not as easy from this side of the fence...much easier to be the outside observer than the one on the battlefield fighting the dragon. But I can only ignore something as long as it's in the dark. Once the light hits it, I can't pretend it doesn't exist. This is my time on earth. I've made a thousand mistakes just like everyone else but I have no desire to keep reliving the same painful situation over and over. I prefer to crawl thru the mud and find my way out to a happier opportunity. I'd rather battle the dragon with the possibility of finding happiness than fear the unknown and settle for misery. 


I'm not a weak person so why did I tolerate this from the very people who should have had my back? All these years I accepted crappy treatment because I thought I had no choice if I wanted to keep the peace..if I wanted these people to love me, even if their love seemed conditional. I thought the source of my pain came from my need to control them and teach them not to tolerate the BS they accepted so easily from others when in reality the BS I didn't want them to accept from others was the EXACT same BS I was accepting from them! I wanted them to stop jumping back into the same crappy situation while I was jumping right back into my own crappy situation!!!  Hello pot, would you like to meet the kettle? Seriously think about that for a moment. I-was-trying-to-fix-their-pain-while-allowing -them-to-hurt-me-in-the-exact-same-way. Doesn't exactly make me a great role model, does it?


In an effort to lesson my pain while keeping my relationships in tact, I began seeking the source of the problem so I could fix it. I was convinced the problem stemmed from my need to control their choices...to fix their lives for the better. I compared it to looking down at a Monopoly board and seeing the big picture--realizing that they were heading for the "go directly to jail" position and all I wanted to do was pick them up and move them to a better place on the board. Nothing wrong with that, right? I was just trying to save them from pain and heartache while positioning them for a better life. Even if it meant I had to sacrifice my own "get out of jail free" card, I was willing to do it because that's what love it all about, right? Right? I was the martyr...somebody throw my name in for sainthood please!!


It tore me up inside but I struggled to change--to stop trying to control their lives-- but after a few years of trying to let go of my controlling ways, I'm beginning to realize that it's never been about control after all. Of course I want them to make the best possible choices but I don't want to make the decisions for them--I don't want to move them on the Monopoly board--I don't want to sacrifice my own life for theirs-- I DO NOT WANT TO DO THEIR WORK.  The real reason it hurts so much is because it goes against who I really am. It goes against the grain of my soul. Who I really am is a respectful and loyal person. Pretending otherwise only reflects who I thought I was...or actually who I thought I had to be. It hurt because I was living a lie and lies never cause anything but pain.


So today I'm living with an inner circle of people who are loyal to me and treat me with respect. If I find out otherwise, they get pushed to an outer circle--far away from me. Doesn't mean I don't care about them. It just means I'm not accepting BS from them--or their entourage---anymore. If they ever want back in my inner circle, they have to be willing to change--to do the hard work---just like I did. I cut a path out of the mud, all they have to do is follow it. Or they can choose to stay where they are. Neither choice makes our love stronger or disappear. As it turns out, it is possible to separate emotions--I can still love them but it doesn't require me to settle for the same ol' BS. Love really can be just love, without attaching it to actions. So I can just love them without accepting their painful actions. I can love them and wish them the best even if I can't count on them. I can send love to my inner circle and have enough left over to reach out far and wide to anyone I care about who doesn't fit with who I really am. Gotta tell ya, my mind is swirling and whirling with all these revelations!


So in conclusion, why do we continue to live lives that don't flow with who we really are? At my core, I want to be surrounded by respectful and loyal people. You're core self--who you really are--is probably different than mine, but are you living it in your day-to-day life or longing for it like a much needed vacation? Are you true to your real self?


If you're stressed, angry or sad--if you feel isolated or alone--if you're wishing for something more--if you're a perfectionist to the point of making yourself crazy--if you struggle with OCD tendencies or find yourself irritated if someone isn't doing something exactly the way you want it done--if you have physical pain that doesn't seem to have a logical source--if you cry over the littlest things--if you're tired or depressed or generally unhappy---if you've gotten yourself in a difficult situation and can't see the way out--if you're avoiding the truth---if you are living a lie and trying to hide it---if you feel like the world is against you--if you want more but think you're not strong enough to get it--if you're being treated anything less than great or if you're treating someone else badly---


If any of these labels fit you or your life, then you're probably not living your true self. Think about how you want to be treated and ask yourself if you have surrounded yourself with people who fit? Ask yourself if you are treating those you love in the same way you want to be treated? Ask yourself in your life reflects who you are---if it says to the world what you want it to say? If you found out you only had three months to live, would you want to be surrounded by the same people in your final days or would you need to make amends with someone? Would you act the same way, say the same things, do the same things, tolerate the same things from others? Could you die without feeling the need to explain your choices? From your deathbed, could you review your recent life and accept your choices without regrets? If not, then why not change a few things now, before it's too late? Aren't you worth it? I know I am.


  

Soup, Stew or Just a Pile of Mush!

A friend and I were talking last night about her boss. She described a very nice lady who seems to be so put together  yet her life was anything but normal. She suffers from a debilitating illness that her doctors can't seem to get a handle on so she continues to have seizures and blackouts. On top of that, she's getting tested this week for breast cancer and Alzheimer's....yeah, both! And just to add a little more fuel to her fire, her husband is bipolar and refuses to take his meds AND they are being bled dry by his in-laws. Any one of those things by it's self is horrible, but somehow this lady to holding it all together with all of them. My friend is being sucked in because she cares about this lady and let's face it, who could watch that train wreck and not want to help? So even though there's not much she can do about any of these issues, my friend has become a sounding board for her boss and tries to offer assistance in anyway she can. It's pretty draining but the need is there so she's in it for the long haul.


Thinking about how her coworker's saga is affecting my friend, I began to reflect upon my own life. It dawns on me that our lives resemble a big ol' pot of beef stew. In the beginning, the pot is filled with onions, carrots, beef and potatoes. We add garlic and herbs, broth and seasonings, but at first it's just a pot filled with cut-up veggies. It takes a while but eventually they begin to softly and little pieces start to break off and mingle with the other ingredients. Soon the broth thickens and what was once a container of ingredients because a hearty meal, filled with flavor and aroma. That's what our lives become...just a pot of intertwined, co-mingling family members, friends and coworkers. It sounds so inviting and it can be...it should be. But when one ingredient gets added to the mix that doesn't belong, it flavors the whole pot of stew too. So if a jar of baking soda finds it's way into the pot instead of corn starch, it won't thicken the broth but it sure will flavor it...badly. It will coat and cover every speck of that meal and there won't be any way to salvage it from the garage disposal. 


That's what happened to my life. I let my brother and sister's addictions (aka baking soda) coat and cover every aspect of my life. They introduced the bad ingredient into the stew, but I stirred the pot. I'm the one that let it consume the flavor out of all my ingredients. I'm the one that kept sneaking ladles full of this crappy mixture into the garage disposal...never bothering to taste it first. I'm the one who assumed no one would possibly want it. I'm the one who decided it wasn't worth trying to save.


Strangely, it occurs to me now that if someone took a scoop of that stew and sent it off to a lab for analysis, the lab tech would put it through a battery of tests and would eventually come back with a list of ingredients found in the concoction. He wouldn't stop at baking soda. The tech would dig deeper and analyze everything. The list would include the carrots and the potatoes and even the onions. He could break down the seasonings, dividing the garlic from the salt and pepper.  Because no matter how blended and broken down the ingredients might appear to the naked eye, their essence wouldn't disappear under the scrutiny of testing.


Somehow in all the years of struggling with my brother and sister's bad choices, I let their stories influence mine...so much that their stories became mine. I actually coated myself in their "baking soda" and rolled around in it until every piece of me was completely covered with it. My opinion of my life became a baking soda stew. I stopped at the surface and didn't try to discover what was underneath and I assumed no one else would want to either. And even worse that that, I allowed their baking soda stew to become my stew. I didn't put baking soda in my stew...and my stew doesn't have baking soda in it! But their's does and since we're family, I assumed that my stew was just like theirs. But it's not. I didn't grab a ladle of their tainted stew and dump it into mine. Their pot of stew is destined for the garage disposal, not mine. My stew isn't even made with the same ingredients and it certainly doesn't have baking soda in it. For some crazy reason, I assumed that since all our stews came from the same kitchen, they must all be tarnished but my stew is still edible. In fact, mine's not even beef stew...it's chili. But for years I've avoiding having my chili sampled by telling myself that it wasn't worth trying because it was flavored by my brother and sister's "baking soda".


I've always proudly proclaimed that I learned from other people's mistakes but in this case, I didn't learn from their mistakes, I lived them. I looked like a delicious pot of chili on the outside but I was trying to hide their secret by blending it in with my ingredients. 


That's what we do in life, we take on other people's problem and let them affect our lives. Sometimes it's a good thing. If we have a loved one with cancer, we become invested in funding research to stamp it out. But we can also take their problems or bad choices and lose ourselves in the dark shadows they cast over us. It's a mistake so easily made. But we have to remember, no one thing hides anything else in our stew. All the ingredients are still there. We just have to find them and don't let their flavor get lost in the mix.


Don't ever take someone else's story...write your own. Or if you're like me, re-write it. Nobody can live your life better than you but they sure can influence it....only take the best parts and leave the rest for the garage disposal.

Wisdom comes from the strangest of places....

Did anyone watch Oprah's Next Chapter with the rapper and musician known as 50 Cent? I don't usually watch many Oprah shows but for some reason found myself drawn to this one. I like some of 50 Cent's songs, although they are often very misogynous and foul-mouthed. He loves to use the N-word and calls most women "bitches and ho's". Not exactly something I find myself humming along to very often. Yet surprisingly he appears to be a very gentle person, almost as if his body inhabits two souls...one the foul-mouthed rapper known as 50 Cent and the other a soft-spoken, "never cusses in his grandma's house", doesn't drink or do drugs, spiritual and introspective man named Curtis Jackson. It was amazing to listen to his depth while answering Oprah's questions and then watch his alter-ego rapping on the big screen. Quite the dichotomy.


Anyway, he was discussing how he used to be afraid of flying and really how he handled fear in general when the most profound words came out of his mouth. He even gave Oprah one of her famous Ahh-Hahhh moments, something I'm sure is difficult to do.


Describing his fear of flying, he painted the scene of himself sitting in the leather-clad seat, dripping with sweat and praying to God to spare his life. As the flight continues, he never stops praying and squirms nervously in his chair for the remainder of the flight until he gratefully feels the plane come to halt on the tarmac. Apparently this went on for several years and dozens of flights before he suddenly realized the absurdity of his actions. From that point on, his mantra was to either "pray or worry, but don't do both." He broke it down into layman's terms perfectly when he said, "if you pray to God and then continue worrying about it, what are you saying to God? You're telling Him that you don't really have faith in the prayer you just offered Him so don't waste your time or His...either pray or worry, but don't do both."


That is such a simple quote but boy did it hit home for me. I think we are all famous for "doing both"....I know I am. I could lay down several excuses...it's hard not to worry...faith is wonderful but, .... But he's right, if you honestly have faith in something bigger than yourself, then say a prayer and trust in it. If you aren't much of a believer, then worry about the outcome and try to direct the problem to the best possible solution....but don't do both.


Amazing how such a simple phrase can carry such power. The next time you find yourself in a situation worth praying over, decide ahead of time if you'd rather put it in the hands of the Universe (God) or your own, and then believe in your decision....

More Motivational Monday!

Sorry, I forgot to publish this last night so it'd be waiting for you this AM, but better late than never!

This is a visual representation of a well known quote from one of my favorite human beings, the Dalai Lama XIV. His quote is, "If there is no solution to the problem then don't waste time worrying about it. If there is a solution to the problem then don't waste time worrying about it."


Worrying about something seems to be a common problem among us. We all recognize how much time is wasted by worrying. We all acknowledge that worrying doesn't actually solve the problem. In fact we realize that worrying uses up precious time that could be utilized actually fixing the problem.


So why do we do it? If we all admit (usually in hindsight) that worrying about a problem gets us no closer to fixing it, doesn't provide us with a solution-a piece of a solution-a light bulb moment- or even a hint, and it actually slows down our forward movement...then why, oh why, do we put ourselves through it time and time again?


It's been proven that every human behavior has a payoff, so what's our payoff for worrying? What do we get out of it?


When I analyze the actual act of worrying to see what we get out of it, the first payoff seems to be that it buys us time. It gives us the opportunity to digest the situation and grow accustom to the problem...aka "wrap our heads around it". Technically we could accomplish the same thing in a much calmer, more analytical manner but instead we choose to have an internal battle with the voices in our head. After that it becomes personal, different for everyone and each situation. I think for most everyone there is an element of control and a lack of ownership. "It's not my fault" or "it's all my fault". "I made a bad choice but (fill in the blank here)." There's almost always finger pointing in one direction or another, even if you never say it out loud...the voices in your head can point those fingers too!


Depending on the situation we are worrying about, some of us will experience....
blame
regret
fear
anger
confusion
physical pain
headaches
nausea/vomiting
diarrhea/constipation
trouble sleeping
difficulty concentrating
depression
lack of energy
short-temperedness
irritability
just about any possible negative physical, mental or emotional symptom


It sounds like a list of side-effects from a pharmaceutical drug, doesn't it? And in some ways, it is. These are side effects from a self-induced drug called worrying. But why do we continue to agree to take a drug after we've suffering through it's side effects? What is the source of the disease that's so bad we're willing to put ourselves through the pain of worrying?


We worry because we don't want to leave our comfort zone, we feel safe where we are...often even if the situation is anything but safe. We worry because the solution to the problem is unfamiliar and we fear the unknown. It could be worse than anything we've ever experienced. It could be a mistake. I could die. We could fail. It will be hard. I'm too old. I'm not educated enough. People will talk. I'll look foolish. I'm not sure it's what I really want.....it seems the source of our worrying is fear. Fear of change, fear of the unknown, fear of failing, fear fear fear fear. So is that why we worry or is there a source even deeper than fear???


We all have physical fears, emotional fears and psychological fears but I think most of them actually have the same source....Let's examine a few...I'll use some of my own fears for this demonstration.


1- Fear of snakes. Why? They're sneaky little bastards and could bite me which would kill me...either from venom or a heart attack..either way, I'm dead and this life is over
2- Fear of fish. Why? Fish bite. It would hurt and kill me...either from loss of blood or simply fear but either way, I'm dead and this life is over
3- Fear of dark water. Why? See fear #2...Hello, fish bite and I'm dead!


These are all physical fears which basically stem from a fear of losing control. I can't control a freakin' snake that may or may not be poisonous and I don't like to suddenly feel vulnerable..or dead.  A vicious fish lurking in dark water represents something coming at me that I can't see or anticipate. I can't control what I can't see and if I can't control it...I might end up dead. So from my perspective, these three fears all stem from a fear of losing control..which could ultimately kill me. I know you're probably thinking I have a fear of death, but on the contrary...I have a fear of not living because someone or something else causes my life to end on their timeline, not mine....aka control, control, control.


What about emotional or psychological fears?
4- I don't like being told what to do. I'm not sure this is an actual "fear" but I really don't like it. Why? Because I might fail and look foolish. And because I like making my own choices...aka I like to control my own life
5- I don't want to fail. Why? Because I might look foolish and I prefer to pick and choose exactly when I'm willing to appear foolish... aka I like control 
6- I don't like to look foolish. Why? Because it means I failed to control something.
7- I don't like to lose control. Why? Because I like to chart my path and execute it as flawlessly as possible.
8- I DO NOT like surprises, no way no how. 
Not good or bad, 
not happy or sad. 
Not high in the sky or 
under a bed. 
Because either way it's scary and
 I could end up .... dead.
Okay, I'm not really afraid a surprise might kill me but it rhythms well, doesn't it? Actually surprises are controlled by someone else and fear #4 thru #7 explain my views on that.


I realize this makes me sound like a control freak, but I suspect if you're willing to examine the fears you're worrying about, you'll be able to break most of them down to a fear of losing control. It seems like everything is about control. Even worrying about a disease simply means you are putting the medical community in the driver's seat...aka you're handing over control. Worrying about a child's grades..giving him the control to study, work hard and ask for help....or even hiring a tutor...tossing control of the preferred outcome to a 3rd party. Worrying about getting a divorce or breaking an engagement? Worried about changing jobs or staying in one you dislike? Worrying about having a child, another child or getting an abortion? Aren't you mostly afraid of making the wrong decision...so doesn't that mean you're trying to predict and control the future? Worried about someone else's bad choices, addictions, mistakes in judgement? Aren't you worrying because you're not in control of their decisions and feel like you could do a better job of running their life than they are doing?


Control, control, control. We worry because we want control, might lose control, have lost control, feel out of control, should be in control or can't control the situation. It all comes down to control. And the one thing we can't control is control. 


You get sick but you're not a doctor.
Your car breaks down and you're not a mechanic.
You're loyal to your company but get laid off anyway.
Your finances are flush but the stock market plummets.
You're a dream catch but can't find a partner.
You're a great partner, yet your soul mate finds another to love.
You're a loving parent yet your child makes dangerously bad choices.
You're a cautious driver but still can't avoid an accident caused by someone else's careless driving.


There are a thousand things we can't control in our life every single day. And by worrying about these things, we force ourselves to live them twice. Worrying about a problem feels just as bad as actually living through it. In some ways it's even worse because at least when you're living a problem, you know there's an end. It may be a long time coming, but there is an end. But worrying is endless. You can chew on a problem forever without ever solving it. So ultimately, worrying actually causes more pain than the situation we are trying to avoid by worrying about it. Technically that means we are causing ourselves more pain than anything we are afraid of...I mean, except a fish biting you...cause come on, that's gonna leave a mark!


So what's the moral of today's Motivational Monday?
"If there is no solution to the problem then don't waste time worrying about it. If there is a solution to the problem then don't waste time worrying about it."


So isn't that the best advice of all. Don't worry about it. Be as happy as you can be. And do your best. Life will work out hows it's meant to whether or not you worry about it so why worry at all. Who on their death bed ever said, "why didn't I worry more?"


Enjoy life...be safe...have fun...smile...laugh....and relax. There's always tomorrow.

Motivational Monday!

Welcome to Motivational Monday! Hopefully something you read below will start your week off right, keep it on track or bring it back to what's really important......


I received several quotes over the weekend, all from Marilyn Monroe. I really had no idea who or what she was, other than an actress, so I did a little investigating. Turns out she had a lot to say.... enjoy

• “I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.”
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• “This life is what you make it. Not matter what, you're going to mess up sometimes, it's a universal truth. But the good part is you get to decide how you're going to mess it up..
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• “It's better to be unhappy alone than unhappy with someone.”
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• “When it comes down to it, I let them think what they want. If they care enough to bother with what I do, then I'm already better than them.”
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• “We should all start to live before we get too old. Fear is stupid. So are regrets.”
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• “I've never fooled anyone. I've let people fool themselves. They didn't bother to find out who and what I was. Instead they would invent a character for me. I wouldn't argue with them. They were obviously loving somebody I wasn't.” 
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• “Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.”
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• “Wanting to be someone else is a waste of the person you are.”
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• “Just because you fail once, doesn't mean you'll fail at everything. Keep trying, hold on, and always trust yourself, because if you don't then who will??”

She actually had a lot more quotes attributed to her, but I think the ones above really summed up her thoughts. From my take, it seems she was saying to be true to yourself, live your life, don't be afraid to make mistakes but own them and learn from them so you do it better the next time and most importantly, don't let fear freeze you in your tracks.


So that's my first Motivational Monday. Absorb the wisdom of the quotes above and be yourself! Don't be afraid to try!!!!

verbal caffeine...

Beginning next week, I am starting a new program called "Motivational Monday" where I post a quote that inspires me and then give my spin on it. The plan is to get this out every weekend so those of you who receive my blog posts via email will have it waiting for you in your inbox first thing Monday morning.


I'll be blogging about quotes that move me, motivate me or make me think...feel free to send me any quote you enjoy...possibly I'll blog about it.


So stay tuned for the new Motivational Monday...because who doesn't need a little motivating on Monday morning? 


It's verbal caffeine...no calories and if you spill it, it won't leave a stain!  See ya Monday!!

fearless....

this post is written for one person in particular....hopefully you know who you are...


My new favorite word...fearless.  It became my new favorite word after reading a quote by one of my favorite authors of all time, Neale Donald Walsch. For those of you who aren't familiar with him, he's the author of book series, 'Conversations with God'. Yes, that's right...con-ver-sa-tions with God. His life has had nearly every possible high and low yet he still stuck his neck out to write a book about a conversation he had with God. Not a one-sided "Neale talked and received answers in the form of signs" kinda conversation. No, we're talking about Neale talking and God answering...outloud...in a voice...that could be heard....words flowing back and forth between him and the cosmos...for real.


Now I'm not expecting most of you to read his book or even to understand his message. You don't have to believe he had a conversation with God. Whether he did or didn't isn't relevant at this point. The point is he fearlessly went to one publisher after another proclaiming to have had a conversation with God and wanting to put it in book form. I would imagine he had a few doors slammed in his face. I'm sure more than one person thought he was nuts. In fact, at the beginning of his book, he tells about several conversations he had with himself, convinced that he was going nuts or may be possibly having a stroke or something. To say...outloud...that he's had not one, but many conversations with God over the course of many months, seemed outrageous...crazy...stupid. Yet he fearlessly proclaimed his truth to the world and he fearlessly marched on until he found a publisher that was willing to take a chance on him. He became a published author and then he did something even harder...he began promoting his book on the radio and talk show circuit. Now he had to face people, look them in the eye, see their confusion and disbelief. He had to explain the unexplainable, sell the impossible, convert the masses. He had to walk and talk his truth.


Of course the story has a happy ending for Neale. He became a New York Times Best Selling Author, world famous and I'm sure quite wealthy. His story became easier to tell because his books and status made it mainstream. And rags-to-riches stories with happy endings always tug at our heartstrings, don't they? We can't help but be inspired. Yet maybe the story shouldn't be about how the little guy refused to give up and finally makes good. Maybe the true story is about how the little guy was willing to try. We live our lives every day in a form of fear called complacency...called our comfort zone..called a rut. We spend half our days in jobs we hate, we stay in relationships for all the wrong reasons, we don't change doctors or lawyers or hairdressers because we don't want the hassle. We eat the same food, vacation in the same spots, worship at the same church, leave our kids in the same schools, wear the same style clothes.... We rarely step outside of our normal routine even though we long for something different....something better....something more. We fear change, we fear the unknown...we fear living. We fear trying. We fear failing. We fear explaining. We fear what others will think. We fear life. We fear...we fear....we fear....


The quote I mentioned at the top of this post...the one by Neale Donald Walsch.  "Life begins at the end of your comfort zone." Think about those words for longer than a split second. Ruminate on the meaning....Step to the edge of your comfort zone and look out into the abyss beyond...for just a moment, imagine what lies out there...waiting for you.

why????

Why is it when you put milk on cereal, it becomes soggy almost immediately yet when you put cereal on ice cream, it stays crunchy forever?


Just one of those mysteries of life that grabbed my attention today......