Sorry, I forgot to publish this last night so it'd be waiting for you this AM, but better late than never!
This is a visual representation of a well known quote from one of my favorite human beings, the Dalai Lama XIV. His quote is, "If there is no solution to the problem then don't waste time worrying about it. If there is a solution to the problem then don't waste time worrying about it."
Worrying about something seems to be a common problem among us. We all recognize how much time is wasted by worrying. We all acknowledge that worrying doesn't actually solve the problem. In fact we realize that worrying uses up precious time that could be utilized actually fixing the problem.
So why do we do it? If we all admit (usually in hindsight) that worrying about a problem gets us no closer to fixing it, doesn't provide us with a solution-a piece of a solution-a light bulb moment- or even a hint, and it actually slows down our forward movement...then why, oh why, do we put ourselves through it time and time again?
It's been proven that every human behavior has a payoff, so what's our payoff for worrying? What do we get out of it?
When I analyze the actual act of worrying to see what we get out of it, the first payoff seems to be that it buys us time. It gives us the opportunity to digest the situation and grow accustom to the problem...aka "wrap our heads around it". Technically we could accomplish the same thing in a much calmer, more analytical manner but instead we choose to have an internal battle with the voices in our head. After that it becomes personal, different for everyone and each situation. I think for most everyone there is an element of control and a lack of ownership. "It's not my fault" or "it's all my fault". "I made a bad choice but (fill in the blank here)." There's almost always finger pointing in one direction or another, even if you never say it out loud...the voices in your head can point those fingers too!
Depending on the situation we are worrying about, some of us will experience....
blame
regret
fear
anger
confusion
physical pain
headaches
nausea/vomiting
diarrhea/constipation
trouble sleeping
difficulty concentrating
depression
lack of energy
short-temperedness
irritability
just about any possible negative physical, mental or emotional symptom
It sounds like a list of side-effects from a pharmaceutical drug, doesn't it? And in some ways, it is. These are side effects from a self-induced drug called worrying. But why do we continue to agree to take a drug after we've suffering through it's side effects? What is the source of the disease that's so bad we're willing to put ourselves through the pain of worrying?
We worry because we don't want to leave our comfort zone, we feel safe where we are...often even if the situation is anything but safe. We worry because the solution to the problem is unfamiliar and we fear the unknown. It could be worse than anything we've ever experienced. It could be a mistake. I could die. We could fail. It will be hard. I'm too old. I'm not educated enough. People will talk. I'll look foolish. I'm not sure it's what I really want.....it seems the source of our worrying is fear. Fear of change, fear of the unknown, fear of failing, fear fear fear fear. So is that why we worry or is there a source even deeper than fear???
We all have physical fears, emotional fears and psychological fears but I think most of them actually have the same source....Let's examine a few...I'll use some of my own fears for this demonstration.
1- Fear of snakes. Why? They're sneaky little bastards and could bite me which would kill me...either from venom or a heart attack..either way, I'm dead and this life is over
2- Fear of fish. Why? Fish bite. It would hurt and kill me...either from loss of blood or simply fear but either way, I'm dead and this life is over
3- Fear of dark water. Why? See fear #2...Hello, fish bite and I'm dead!
These are all physical fears which basically stem from a fear of losing control. I can't control a freakin' snake that may or may not be poisonous and I don't like to suddenly feel vulnerable..or dead. A vicious fish lurking in dark water represents something coming at me that I can't see or anticipate. I can't control what I can't see and if I can't control it...I might end up dead. So from my perspective, these three fears all stem from a fear of losing control..which could ultimately kill me. I know you're probably thinking I have a fear of death, but on the contrary...I have a fear of not living because someone or something else causes my life to end on their timeline, not mine....aka control, control, control.
What about emotional or psychological fears?
4- I don't like being told what to do. I'm not sure this is an actual "fear" but I really don't like it. Why? Because I might fail and look foolish. And because I like making my own choices...aka I like to control my own life
5- I don't want to fail. Why? Because I might look foolish and I prefer to pick and choose exactly when I'm willing to appear foolish... aka I like control
6- I don't like to look foolish. Why? Because it means I failed to control something.
7- I don't like to lose control. Why? Because I like to chart my path and execute it as flawlessly as possible.
8- I DO NOT like surprises, no way no how.
Not good or bad,
not happy or sad.
Not high in the sky or
under a bed.
Because either way it's scary and
I could end up .... dead.
Okay, I'm not really afraid a surprise might kill me but it rhythms well, doesn't it? Actually surprises are controlled by someone else and fear #4 thru #7 explain my views on that.
I realize this makes me sound like a control freak, but I suspect if you're willing to examine the fears you're worrying about, you'll be able to break most of them down to a fear of losing control. It seems like everything is about control. Even worrying about a disease simply means you are putting the medical community in the driver's seat...aka you're handing over control. Worrying about a child's grades..giving him the control to study, work hard and ask for help....or even hiring a tutor...tossing control of the preferred outcome to a 3rd party. Worrying about getting a divorce or breaking an engagement? Worried about changing jobs or staying in one you dislike? Worrying about having a child, another child or getting an abortion? Aren't you mostly afraid of making the wrong decision...so doesn't that mean you're trying to predict and control the future? Worried about someone else's bad choices, addictions, mistakes in judgement? Aren't you worrying because you're not in control of their decisions and feel like you could do a better job of running their life than they are doing?
Control, control, control. We worry because we want control, might lose control, have lost control, feel out of control, should be in control or can't control the situation. It all comes down to control. And the one thing we can't control is control.
You get sick but you're not a doctor.
Your car breaks down and you're not a mechanic.
You're loyal to your company but get laid off anyway.
Your finances are flush but the stock market plummets.
You're a dream catch but can't find a partner.
You're a great partner, yet your soul mate finds another to love.
You're a loving parent yet your child makes dangerously bad choices.
You're a cautious driver but still can't avoid an accident caused by someone else's careless driving.
There are a thousand things we can't control in our life every single day. And by worrying about these things, we force ourselves to live them twice. Worrying about a problem feels just as bad as actually living through it. In some ways it's even worse because at least when you're living a problem, you know there's an end. It may be a long time coming, but there is an end. But worrying is endless. You can chew on a problem forever without ever solving it. So ultimately, worrying actually causes more pain than the situation we are trying to avoid by worrying about it. Technically that means we are causing ourselves more pain than anything we are afraid of...I mean, except a fish biting you...cause come on, that's gonna leave a mark!
So what's the moral of today's Motivational Monday?
"If there is no solution to the problem then don't waste time worrying about it. If there is a solution to the problem then don't waste time worrying about it."
So isn't that the best advice of all. Don't worry about it. Be as happy as you can be. And do your best. Life will work out hows it's meant to whether or not you worry about it so why worry at all. Who on their death bed ever said, "why didn't I worry more?"
Enjoy life...be safe...have fun...smile...laugh....and relax. There's always tomorrow.
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