Cha-Cha-Change!!!

As some of you may remember, I proudly proclaimed 2012 as my YEAR OF CHANGE. Little did I know my proclamation would resonate thru my life and into the lives of those around me. There may be a couple of you reading this and cursing me under your breath....ummm, sorry?!?!


Actually, I am not sorry at all. The changes have been coming fast and furious for me, just not the changes I was anticipating. True for some of you too? Never the less, change is good baby! Mentally and emotionally, I feel that buzz you get after spending the day at a motivational seminar...you know, that feeling of being able to conquer the world...that's where my head and heart are right now. I feel goooood....really good. Unfortunately, not everyone in my inner circle feels as good about their YEAR OF CHANGE as I do. Their emotions seem to range from apprehension to quiet resolve and all the way to full-blown hostility. In all honesty, I've been there...done that...don't wanna go back.


I've been somewhat of a third party observer to my own life, wondering why I feel the way I do instead of one of the more painful emotions available to us all. I mean, let's look at my last twelve months or so....House sold? nope. Moved to the mountains? nope. Foundation up and running smoothly? nope. Book published? another no. And then let's look at the things I didn't plan for....having a son struggling with a learning disability- sadly yes...needing expensive therapy- another yes....needing glasses- yep...other son with painful foot problems that will ultimately end up in multiple surgeries-again yes....and that's just the big things I can think of off the top of my head. I'm sure there's lots of little things to go with them.


So after reviewing that list, both my personal and professional life look like they are in shambles...so why don't I feel like it? Why do I wake up happy and feel completely content? I'm sure part of it because I'm basically a positive person but come on...that list feels like a pretty big hill to climb. Of course I recognize that the world is FILLED with people who have it so much worse than I do but I don't believe that's keeping my chin up, at least not completely. So what is it? Why am I not drowning in depression or sadness? Why don't I have a poor-pitiful-me attitude to accompany my list of woes? Because I'm a firm believer that everything happens for a reason...that this is part of my journey. And even though I can't possibly see why having a son who struggles to learn the alphabet is a good thing or how missing bones in the feet of my oldest son could eventually be thought of as a God-send, or why in the HELL my beautiful house isn't selling, I know there's light at the end of the tunnel. Everything happens for a reason and in it's own time.


And because I believe this so strongly, I don't see my glass as half-empty. I don't even see it as half-full. I just see a glass...my glass...my life. Sometimes it's overflowing and other times it gets dangerously close to empty but empty or full, it's still a glass. Sparkling, beautiful, light-reflecting crystal glass. It's beautiful in it's own right whether or not there's water in it. The glass is beautiful. The glass is my life. My life is beautiful.


Stop for just a moment and give thanks for the beautiful glass that is your life. Don't measure the water and wonder why it isn't fuller. Just turn the glass and let it reflect in the sunlight and appreciate it for all that it is. Breath deep and let go....  Happiness is a choice you make ahead of time. So just for today, decide to be happy. Let tomorrow take care of it's self. 


Namaste' my friends!

I need you to hear this....

Dear Terry

I suppose I’m writing you this letter to say many things…I’m sorry, I love you, thank you, I forgive you, and it’s time for me to let go and start living. I’ve held on to so much; so many things I blamed you for. Things you didn’t deserve…or at least not all the blame belonged on your shoulders yet I so easily placed it all there. I have no idea how you took it or how much of it you felt but I’m sure you recognized at least some of my hurt and anger. I wish I would have been honest with you when there was still time to make a difference but I guess that wasn’t part of the agreement, was it? I understand we made a pact before either of us descended to this planet so I suppose finding common ground wasn’t in the cards for us this go 'round….maybe next time, huh?

I am finally beginning to recognize my place in all this and even though it’s been slow to sink in, I’m beginning to quietly recognize how much of a fraudulent life I’ve been living. My life’s been completely planned and spontaneity was never allowed anywhere near me. That’s a big part of why I’ve been so closed off to so much…the lack of control was terrifying to me. As much as you demanded control of the people around you, you also seemed to crave the lack of it with your willingness to descend into the randomness of drugs. I realize now how much I envied your lack of fear while at the same time I despised your choices. It’s been hard reconciling that in my heart and mind but I’m finally at peace with it all. And I'm beginning to realize how much we really were alike, how much we had in common. Both of us are extreme risk-takers, willing to stick our necks out in search for more than the safety of a normal life. I crave excitement in the form of international travel and have no desire to work the safe job or live the "normal" life. Your cravings for excitement weren't that different except you substituted international travel for acid trips and instead of jumping from one job to another to liven up your "normal" life, you choice to turn in the opposite direction and run away from normal toward the "excitement" of illegal activities. In reality, we were the same person with the same desires but using extreme opposite methods to get our results. We were opposite sides of the same coin. I think had we both realized that while you were still alive, our understanding of each other would have been much clearer and acceptance would have come easier for us both. But unfortunately lessons aren't often learned in the moment. It's only by reflecting back and observing our lives from a distance that everything finally becomes clear.

You were so much better than me in many ways and I realize now that’s part of what made it so easy to be mad at you. You were so much older than me and I suppose my anger began when you were just a teenager who wasn’t willing to lead and guide your baby sister into womanhood. You weren’t there for me…ever. I know you liked to think that was my fault but you dove into drugs and never looked back at who you left behind. I was just a kid and you left me. You always assumed Ricky’s death was hardest on you because you were his “real” sister but it wasn’t a contest. Loss is loss; pain is pain; love is love…. and I was just a kid. Too young to handle what most adults aren’t prepared to experience. You should have stepped out of your grief and nurtured me into adulthood. You were my sister and you owed it to me but your world revolved around you and there was no place in it for me unless I was willing to make the same mistakes and choices you made and I wasn’t willing to go down the road. Even with my craving for that unbreakable sisterly bound, I couldn’t follow you…it wasn’t part of me and it wasn’t part of our arrangement. I guess having a sisterly bond wasn’t part of the agreement either but it’s taken me a lifetime to realize it. I apologize for blaming you for the loss of something I wasn’t meant to have in the first place. It’s taken almost two years to realize how much of my life has been altered by my own fears and hangups and that a large chunk of it needs to be replaced, removed or reworked. I’ve  released you….and others. I’ve always believed that people come into your life for a reason or a season but unfortunately I did a lousy job of putting those around me into the correct category. I suppose I just assumed that family belongs in the "reason" category but I've come to realize that's not always the case. I’ve had a few eye-opening moments in the past few weeks while my inner circle shifted and realigned a few people into the correct category but strangely enough, I didn’t realize I would be moved into a new category myself. I know it sounds strange but the person I’ve been my whole life was moved into the “season” category because my relationship with the person I was no longer serves me well. No one could be more surprised than I am. Fortunately a very comfortable feeling seems to be settling over me as these people are shifted into the correct category. It just feels right and changing their position has lifted the burden of trying to hold them in the wrong category simply because I thought they belonged there. Going with the flow and recognizing the true colors of who these people really are has allowed me to accept them for who they are and release them back into world with no hard feelings. It's been very calming....

You know that saying about how God never closes one door without opening a window? Well that’s what happened to me. A lifetime ago…okay it was actually only a few months ago but it feels like a lifetime, God..or maybe me…closed a door….slammed it actually. Slammed so hard it nearly fell off the hinges and the only thing keeping it erect was the six different locks drilled into the three feet of wood above the doorknob. I can still hear the sound of it slamming against the doorframe behind me and the heavy clicking as each cylinder of the brass locks slid into place, assuring me there was no going back. It took me a lifetime to find the strength to turn away from that door even though it was the easiest decision I ever made. Turning away exposed the window, light shining from behind the edges of the heavy, dark curtain. I suppose in my mind I always thought when God opened a window there would be iridescent light beaming through it invitingly or maybe a loud trumpet sounding as the curtains were magically pulled back by some mysterious force but nope, that doesn’t happen…at least not to me. Instead it’s been more like a dark red stage curtain hanging closed with anticipation and only allowing tiny glimpses of the excitement that’s to come when a stagehand hurries across the stage on the other side, ruffling the velvet veil just enough to whet my appetite. Instead of a triumphant unveiling, my window seems to offer me teasing glimpses. Even though I’ve tried desperately to assure the Universe that I can handle whatever my new life holds, apparently that’s not the case…or at least the Universe doesn’t think so. Instead I get smaller messages in rapid succession even though I’ve always been a “rip the bandaid off in one quick yank” kinda girl. I guess it’s God’s window so there’s no chance of me prying it open, although it stop me from trying!

I realize telling you this probably seems redundant since you’re up there witnessing my every move and knowing what’s coming next. You probably even ruffle the curtain ever so often just because you know it drives me crazy. I realize you’re in the know now, so this letter isn’t so much for your benefit as much as it is for mine. I need to say these things as much as I need you to hear them. I realize you’ve been made privy to the grand plan but I need you to know that I understand the plan now too, even if I don’t know what the rest of my time on this stage will bring. I need you to feel my acceptance of our past and your understanding when I say it’s time for me to climb through that new window without the baggage of our past or my misconceptions of what it should have been. I need you to understand that when you died, our arrangement died with you, putting us both in the “seasons” category permanently. You can’t come back to this world in this lifetime as the person I knew and I have no desire to play that same part anymore. I am ready and willing to pull on a new costume and begin Act II from a fresh perspective.

As redundant as this letter must be for you, I still needed to say it and I’m glad you’ve heard it. I need you, and the rest of the world, to realize that the old me is dead and gone. Grieve for that person if you must but celebrate the new me, the new life entering the planet now. Don't look at me with recognition because I'm not that same person. I may resemble her on the outside but we are nothing alike. I am new. She living in my past life, I live today.


Now you know what I know…and what I don’t. Maybe you could pass on a hint every now and then…like sisters do.

Discovering life's purpose...

I don't want to know what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for, and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.   Kirk Schneider


You can't connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something-your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down and it has made all the difference in my life.   Steve Jobs


The heart of human excellence often begins to beat when you discover a pursuit that absorbs you, frees you, challenges you, or gives you a sense of meaning, joy, or passion.   Terry Orlick


There is no greater gift you can give or receive than to honor your calling. It's why you were born. And how you become most truly alive.   Oprah Winfrey


We are the creators of our own experience--remembering this, and living our lives from this perspective, empowers us. Mike Robbins


I believe a purpose is something for which one is responsible; it's not just divinely assigned.    Michael J. Fox


If your life is cloudy and you're far, far off course, you may have to go on faith for awhile, but eventually you'll learn that every time you trust your internal navigation system, you end up closer to your right life.  Martha Beck


Notice when your heart jumps up in joyous exuberance...In these moments the voice of your spirit is speaking directly to you.   Justine Willis Toms


Dreams express what your soul is telling you, so as crazy as your dream might seem...You have to let that out.   Eleni Gabre-Madhin


At first dreams seem impossible, then improbable, then inevitable.    Christopher Reeve


If you organize your life around your passion, you can turn your passion into your story and then turn your story into something bigger--something that matters.    Blake Mycoskie


The self is made, not given.    Barbara Myerhoff