The famous Mexican author, Domenico Estrada said "Bring the past, only if you're going to build from it."
It's strange how the simplest words often carry the deepest meaning. That quote seems to work on so many different levels and in so many situations. Unresolved issues and old hurts seem to find their way into a current argument, often with same heat and used as a club against our opponent instead of a growth opportunity. Many times we carry our past like a newborn child, cradling it close to our heart and protecting it from harm instead of releasing it to heavens to free ourselves from the weight of things we can't change. Often we allow our ghosts from the past to haunt our present yet instead of turning from the demons, we stand frozen in fear, unable to look away from their glowing red eyes.
So many times, in so many ways, we carry our pasts with us, not as a badge of honor but as a burden. Instead of proclaiming the battles we've fought, we hide our scars under a cloak of shame only to be revealed when someone or something backs us into a corner, forcing us to fight the same demons we'd pretended to have conquered in the past. The demons keep rising up because we never seem quite ready to finish them off. We fight a good fight but when we finally have our swords at their throats and only need one last thrust to kill them once and for all, we walk away, turning our back on them and guaranteeing they will return.
A good military finds the weakness of its opponent and uses it against them. That's bringing the past and building on it. A surgeon or scientist takes their past failures and analyzes them to find a better way to save lives. No matter how many times an experiment fails, the doctor continues to look at the flaws to find the right path to the future. A good partner communicates their needs and desires, exposing their former hurts so their relationship can grow and strengthen. Using the past to build a better future.
That's what it takes to improve our future. Thomas Edison did it and so did Steve Jobs. Dr Jonas Salk walked that path and Martin Luther King died on it. Standing at the base of our mountain, the past often seems like too big a hill to climb but every journey begins with a single step and as Confucius said, "a lion chased me up a tree and I greatly enjoyed the view from the top".
Here's hoping you find your way to the top of your tree without getting bit in the butt by your lion.
Thursday, April 5, 2012
Monday, April 2, 2012
180 degree shift....
So I've been thinking about friends and family a lot lately and how we fit into each other's lives....or sometimes how we don't fit. The past few months have been filled with situations where the fit isn't as tight as I'd life it to be. You all know what I'm talking about and have examples in your own lives too. Someone says something to you that really hurts your feelings or does something that seems very out of character for that person. Maybe someone you love continues to settle for a life less than you think they deserve. Maybe they are working for minimum wage instead of using their obvious intelligence to get a college degree. It could be they are staying in a career that really doesn't fit their heart's desire. They could be stuck in a less-than-desirable relationship but unwilling to find the strength to move on. Maybe they're bogged down with a poor-pitiful me so much that you dread being around them because they are such as emotional drain on you. Or maybe one of these examples is actually you and you're the one settling or stuck, draining or burying your head in the sand.
Since I'm a firm believer in everyone offering a life lesson to those around them, I've really been trying to analyze where the lessons are with the examples that have filled my year. Of course when we are looking back, re-examining a situation from our past, there are always easy life lessons lying right there on the surface. Those lessons are the ones that make you smack your forehead and say "duhhh"....those are the ones hiding in plain sight that we should have seen from the get-go. But I also believe there are usually lessons that can only be found by digging a little deeper. Only by going beneath the surface will we find the true gems.
This is where I was when it occurred to me to look at a situate from the other person's perspective. I don't mean they're perspective on the surface...I mean doing the digging and look for the real truth. Why are they making these choices? What is driving them in this direction? Who are they for real?
We all know the "surface" causes of baggage. Someone had a horrible childhood or maybe they were spoiled rotten and don't know how to function in the real world. Maybe they came from a broken home or grew up without a loving parent and are determined to tolerate any abuse if it means their children have two parents. Maybe they haven't gotten a lot of breaks in life and their anger is bigger than they know how to handle. Or maybe there isn't the most obvious explanation for their mindset but they seem to feel the way they feel anyway. Etc, etc, etc...there are a million obvious reason for bad or sad behavior. But what about the not-so-obvious reasons? I've never really thought about those....
I've been putting myself in the place of these friends and family...walking a mile in their shoes so to speak. What I've come to realize is the truth isn't quite as crystal clear as I've also assumed.
Walking in their shoes, I've had to ask myself, "what would cause me to act or re-act as they have in this situation?" Of course my first reaction is to say I wouldn't act that way but in honestly I'm not special. I know these people and I care enough for them that they are part of my life so I know they aren't acting this way because they like it or want to hurt someone else. If they were that type of person, I wouldn't be friends with them. So what would it take to make me do the same thing they've done?
When I finally let my guard down and truly saw life from their perspective, it was a much different view than I expected. Observing their baggage from the outside, my logical head knew why they acted the way they did but when I got out of my head and into my heart by applying feelings and emotions to their life situation, it was a different story. I experienced their hurt and sadness, fear and pain. I allowed my gut to twist with the fear of uncertainty or felt the palpations of my heart when I felt like I was in over my head. I felt my throat seize up and found it difficult to breath when I experienced the pain of some of their losses. I felt gripped by fear when I let their lack of confidence wash over me by feeling not good enough, not pretty enough, not smart enough or simply just not enough. I experienced what it feels like to pretend to be something or someone I'm not while living in fear of being discovered, of having the truth come out. By allowing myself to truly taste the experiences of their lives, I began to understand how coping has been a battle of wills and I realize they've had a lot more successes than I gave them credit for. Yes, they've slipped up, tripped up and screwed up several times and I can only hope that eventually they'll find the strength to correct the errors of their ways. But by living life through their filters, I was able to shift my focus away from the 20% of the time when they are really screwing up and instead recognize the 80% of their lives where they are really kicking butt. I am feeling grateful for the time I've had with them, when I've been proud of them and lucky to have them in my life. Don't get me wrong, I'm not suggesting we allow someone to treat us badly or become a doormat for whatever treatment they throw our way. Obviously we have to learn our own lessons and sometimes it is time to move on without an old friend or loved one. But I'll always cherish the good times we had together and I'll watch with anticipation as they walk the next mile, hoping they find the right groove that brings peace and happiness to their existence. And I hope everyone in my life feels the same way about me.....
Since I'm a firm believer in everyone offering a life lesson to those around them, I've really been trying to analyze where the lessons are with the examples that have filled my year. Of course when we are looking back, re-examining a situation from our past, there are always easy life lessons lying right there on the surface. Those lessons are the ones that make you smack your forehead and say "duhhh"....those are the ones hiding in plain sight that we should have seen from the get-go. But I also believe there are usually lessons that can only be found by digging a little deeper. Only by going beneath the surface will we find the true gems.
This is where I was when it occurred to me to look at a situate from the other person's perspective. I don't mean they're perspective on the surface...I mean doing the digging and look for the real truth. Why are they making these choices? What is driving them in this direction? Who are they for real?
We all know the "surface" causes of baggage. Someone had a horrible childhood or maybe they were spoiled rotten and don't know how to function in the real world. Maybe they came from a broken home or grew up without a loving parent and are determined to tolerate any abuse if it means their children have two parents. Maybe they haven't gotten a lot of breaks in life and their anger is bigger than they know how to handle. Or maybe there isn't the most obvious explanation for their mindset but they seem to feel the way they feel anyway. Etc, etc, etc...there are a million obvious reason for bad or sad behavior. But what about the not-so-obvious reasons? I've never really thought about those....
I've been putting myself in the place of these friends and family...walking a mile in their shoes so to speak. What I've come to realize is the truth isn't quite as crystal clear as I've also assumed.
Walking in their shoes, I've had to ask myself, "what would cause me to act or re-act as they have in this situation?" Of course my first reaction is to say I wouldn't act that way but in honestly I'm not special. I know these people and I care enough for them that they are part of my life so I know they aren't acting this way because they like it or want to hurt someone else. If they were that type of person, I wouldn't be friends with them. So what would it take to make me do the same thing they've done?
When I finally let my guard down and truly saw life from their perspective, it was a much different view than I expected. Observing their baggage from the outside, my logical head knew why they acted the way they did but when I got out of my head and into my heart by applying feelings and emotions to their life situation, it was a different story. I experienced their hurt and sadness, fear and pain. I allowed my gut to twist with the fear of uncertainty or felt the palpations of my heart when I felt like I was in over my head. I felt my throat seize up and found it difficult to breath when I experienced the pain of some of their losses. I felt gripped by fear when I let their lack of confidence wash over me by feeling not good enough, not pretty enough, not smart enough or simply just not enough. I experienced what it feels like to pretend to be something or someone I'm not while living in fear of being discovered, of having the truth come out. By allowing myself to truly taste the experiences of their lives, I began to understand how coping has been a battle of wills and I realize they've had a lot more successes than I gave them credit for. Yes, they've slipped up, tripped up and screwed up several times and I can only hope that eventually they'll find the strength to correct the errors of their ways. But by living life through their filters, I was able to shift my focus away from the 20% of the time when they are really screwing up and instead recognize the 80% of their lives where they are really kicking butt. I am feeling grateful for the time I've had with them, when I've been proud of them and lucky to have them in my life. Don't get me wrong, I'm not suggesting we allow someone to treat us badly or become a doormat for whatever treatment they throw our way. Obviously we have to learn our own lessons and sometimes it is time to move on without an old friend or loved one. But I'll always cherish the good times we had together and I'll watch with anticipation as they walk the next mile, hoping they find the right groove that brings peace and happiness to their existence. And I hope everyone in my life feels the same way about me.....
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