Enlightenment seems to come in waves for me, never a slow progression but always a drenching burst of knowledge washing over me. I've been swimming all week.
Monday was spent rewinding my first Thanksgiving with my extended family in many years. It was a bit surreal and I felt somewhat like a fly on the wall, quietly observing the new dynamics of my family, some of them nearly strangers to me. Tuesday I met with my therapist/friend where we discussed my tendency to be so hard on myself...his words, not mine. We also discussed my issues with failure. Of course he wanted to know if I'd ever failed at anything...HA, that's funny. When I began listing my missteps, he asked why I considered these things failures. I gave the obvious answers...because I didn't finish, I quit, I gave up, etc... His analysis of my "failures" really gave me something to think about. He said starting something, striving for one thing or another but failing to achieve it doesn't mean I failed, it just means I am engaged in life. It means I'm not afraid to try. It means I'm willing to go for it....hummm, interesting.
I've always said I learn what I want to do in life but learning what I don't want to do. I've never been afraid to take a risk and if it doesn't work out, I move on to the next idea or adventure. He said that's how some people are hard-wired. It doesn't make me a failure and that I'm being way too hard on myself when I label those choices as such. I'm really not doing justice to his words, but they've given me something to think about, that's for sure. All these years, everyone's told me I'm too hard on myself but I just considered it high standards. For the first time I'm beginning to see what everyone else sees and I'm hoping to learn how to lighten up a bit on myself and others. Babysteps....
Then today a friend from back home called me and we talked for a long long time. We talked about our lives, the changes we are making, the good we have but forget about. Our lives aren't similar yet the journeys are the same. We both take notice of the big messages...yep, the karma and such, but we seem to ignore the quiet little messages we get from the Universe. Actually ignore is the wrong word...overlook is a better fit or maybe even rush past. For example, I've been really striving to stop being a "fixer", been working on it for over a year now. Strangely though when something big happens, it's not difficult to throw up my hands and say "not my problem" but it's those little day-to-day occurrences where I either fix it before I remember to stop myself or if I don't fix it, I forget to give myself credit for my hands-off approach. Or when I'm so focused on one son's struggle with learning, I forget to pat my other son on the back for his success in writing his name. For that matter, I don't pat myself on the back either for all the time I spent working with him. We both deserve the "atta boy" yet I don't even give us a few minutes to celebrate.
Enjoying my birthday lunch with several friends today, we talked for a few minutes about my friend's mom who was in a head-on collision last week. Even with several broken bones, she will recover, unlike the 21 year old kid who hit her. If he ever wakes up, he won't be the same. Once again, an incredibly difficult holiday week for my friend and her family yet so much more for them to be thankful for than the other driver's family.
When I reflect back over the years of my life, it's so easy to see only the bad..the rough times...because they seem to demand my attention even now--years later. But when I look at my history thru this week's fresh eyes, I can see how lucky I've been, how much good there was that outweighed the bad. There are so many details I've ignored, overlooked--memories I've allowed to be overshadowed by the darkness. We all do it to an extent. We all feel overwhelming gratitude after someone else has a brush with death or when we hear about a senseless tragedy but then we fall back into forgetfulness. We get so busy with life we don't celebrate the happy moments before we allow them to fade away.
I suppose none of these things are revolutionary but the combination of them all coming at me in such a condensed time period has drowned me in enlightenment. Just little baby steps of knowledge pushing me toward my final destination....
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Friday, November 18, 2011
birthday memories...
My niece celebrates her fourteen birthday today. Fourteen. Not exactly a milestone birthday like sixteen or twenty-one, but still very important to the kid experiencing the big day. It's her last year before entering the semi-adult world of high school, still a kid in many ways yet old enough to think all adults are "clueless" (sorry, I'm too old to know what term the cool kids are using now instead of clueless). At fourteen you're still in that preparatory stage. Young enough to still have sleepovers and dance parties but not old enough to go unchaperoned. It's that age where the innocence of youth is being tested, boundaries are fought, envelopes pushed. Parents are in a constant state of anger, depression, exasperation, frustration and guilt, all at once...sometimes they are even medicated.
Fourteen is a awkward age, one that won't hold much appeal when she looks back as an adult. I doubt she'll say it was the best time of her life. Usually you laugh about how little you really knew as opposed to what you thought you knew. It is a time when you can't wait to get on with your life because you have no idea how difficult it's really going to be. You've probably already had your heart broken by your first love or you're about to. Your body is betraying you, changing and morphing into something completely foreign. Fitting in, avoiding peer pressure and dodging bullies consumes your day. It probably similar to a caterpillar emerging from the cocoon to become a beautiful butterfly but it wings aren't spread yet so it's still a slime covered insect trying to avoid being eaten. Awkward, painful, pain-filled and misunderstood....
I wonder if my niece is enjoying this time of her life or trying to get through it unscathed? She an enigma, hard to read. She's seen so much that most humans will go to their graves never experiencing, all bad unfortunately, but she plays her cards pretty close to the vest. By the time I was fourteen, I was really coming into my own. I had a quick wit and cutting sarcasm, both which I used to protect myself from exposing too much to most people. My niece doesn't have that. Her schtick has always been the airhead, a little flighty and oblivious, but that's gone now. Enduring her mother's death eighteen months ago and nearly complete disappearance of her drug-addicted father must have left her feeling lost. She's been blessed with the opportunity to live with the older sister she always adored, but even that relationship has changed. Her cool older sister has been forced to become the strict, rule-making mother-figure...a change that's been difficult for both of them. Actually there isn't much in her life that hasn't changed and even though she seems to quietly go with the flow, I suspect there's turmoil under the surface of her calm exterior.
I wish I knew what's going on inside her. I wish I could promise it will get easier. I wish I could wave a magic wand and change her life completely. But I can't, so today, all I can do is wish her a happy birthday. It's not nearly enough but at least it's something....
Fourteen is a awkward age, one that won't hold much appeal when she looks back as an adult. I doubt she'll say it was the best time of her life. Usually you laugh about how little you really knew as opposed to what you thought you knew. It is a time when you can't wait to get on with your life because you have no idea how difficult it's really going to be. You've probably already had your heart broken by your first love or you're about to. Your body is betraying you, changing and morphing into something completely foreign. Fitting in, avoiding peer pressure and dodging bullies consumes your day. It probably similar to a caterpillar emerging from the cocoon to become a beautiful butterfly but it wings aren't spread yet so it's still a slime covered insect trying to avoid being eaten. Awkward, painful, pain-filled and misunderstood....
I wonder if my niece is enjoying this time of her life or trying to get through it unscathed? She an enigma, hard to read. She's seen so much that most humans will go to their graves never experiencing, all bad unfortunately, but she plays her cards pretty close to the vest. By the time I was fourteen, I was really coming into my own. I had a quick wit and cutting sarcasm, both which I used to protect myself from exposing too much to most people. My niece doesn't have that. Her schtick has always been the airhead, a little flighty and oblivious, but that's gone now. Enduring her mother's death eighteen months ago and nearly complete disappearance of her drug-addicted father must have left her feeling lost. She's been blessed with the opportunity to live with the older sister she always adored, but even that relationship has changed. Her cool older sister has been forced to become the strict, rule-making mother-figure...a change that's been difficult for both of them. Actually there isn't much in her life that hasn't changed and even though she seems to quietly go with the flow, I suspect there's turmoil under the surface of her calm exterior.
I wish I knew what's going on inside her. I wish I could promise it will get easier. I wish I could wave a magic wand and change her life completely. But I can't, so today, all I can do is wish her a happy birthday. It's not nearly enough but at least it's something....
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
Kaleidoscope....
Next week is my birthday and I am planning to start a new tradition. Thanks to the world of online shopping, I was able to purchase a kaleidoscope kit for less than $10. It's basically a cardboard tube that comes with decorative paper for the outside of the tube, mirrors to create the reflections, a end cap and a bag of colored beads to bounce the reflection of light against. I suspect the whole project won't require more than a 30 minute investment of my time.
I'm sure most of you are wondering why in the world I'm starting an annual kaleidoscope building tradition which will take place each year on my birthday. Well, sit back and let me fill in the details....
First I am going to write the date on the tube of my kaleidoscope, November 25, 2011. Then I am going to write the color of each bead I will be using in my project and label what each color represents in my life. For example, I will probably choose blue to represent my children since I have sons and most likely green will signify my professional life because green is the color of money. I will try to choose a color for each area of my life, from family to home to pets to whatever is important. In case you haven't figured it out yet, this kaleidoscope will represent a snapshot of my life on November 25, 2011. Ideally each area of my life should be represented by one bead but if there are certain areas that are consuming more of my time and energy, then I'll put in two or more beads of that color. For example, between Davison's feet and Gabriel's possible brain processing issue, I suspect there will be two blue beads in this year's kaleidoscope. Also, an additional area of my life that will deserve its own colored bead, probably for the rest of my life, will be my brother and sister's addictions and their deaths. Hopefully that will be represented by no more than one red bead on that day.
You may be wondering what's the significance of this ridiculous exercise and if so then I ask you to ponder this....when was the last time you looked thru a kaleidoscope? For some of you, it has probably been many years. If you get a chance, pick one up and point it toward a light source, then give it a very gentle turn...slowly and gently. You'll be amazed how radically it changes with only a fraction of an inch turn. Not only the pattern will change but the colors too. It may be filled with blue for one second but a gentle turn can reduce the blue in it to a speck or even completely eliminate it all together. Turn it again and the blue reappears in a totally different configuration.
There are two points to this exercise. The first is all I have to do is look at the beads, what they represent and how many of each color is found in the little plastic end cap to know what my life was consumed with on this particular birthday. It will be a sort of visual journal. It will tell me what my life looked like on that day and this time in my life can be re-experienced again and again by picking up my November 25, 2011 kaleidoscope and giving it a turn. It will be visually obvious what areas of my life were receiving more or less attention. The second and probably more important lesson gleaned from this exercise is to remind myself that sometimes one area of my life takes on increased significance because of a sick child, a hectic work schedule or a loved one's addiction. In other words, sometimes I forget to turn the kaleidoscope. I forget that it's even possible--that a gentle change of focus can offer more balance. No individual bead is glued to the center of the kaleidoscope, demanding a key position in each unique pattern yet it's so easy to get bogged down in the ruts of life we sometimes forget that changing any part of it is up to us. We don't have to quit that job.. end a relationship...exercise and diet our way into a size 6.. get that promotion...(fill in blank are)... We don't "have" to do anything but we also don't "have" to (and shouldn't) make any one thing the center of our lives indefinitely. In fact, nothing should be the center of attention ALL the time...not if we want to enjoy a balanced life. Even when we are going thru something really difficult, maybe something we can't ignore, we can still turn the kaleidoscope and put that problem off center. Doesn't mean we are going to ignore it but we're not going to be consumed by it either. There may also be times when it seems the kaleidoscope turns on its own and forces a certain bead to the center...a scary health diagnosis for ourself or a loved one, the possibility of losing a job, an addict who's in a full-blown episode or failing recovery or possibly going to jail, a separation or divorce, winning the lottery, starting a new business, etc.. all these things can suddenly force themselves into your mind until you can't think of anything else. Eventually you remember that other areas of your life, like your children, pets, health, etc are being neglected and then you feel extra guilty. You might even be the type of person who designates a certain colored bead to guilty because it's a huge part of your life. But at the point you start feeling guilty, try to remember to turn the kaleidoscope. If you do this every time you think about it, eventually you'll start remembering before your life becomes completely unbalanced and you'll instinctively begin to make changes, even without the vision reminder of the kaleidoscope. It may seem like a simple childish game but sometimes the simplest things are the most effective.
Nothing is stopping you from giving your life a gentle turn or a hard spin...either way, the view is guaranteed to change!
I'm sure most of you are wondering why in the world I'm starting an annual kaleidoscope building tradition which will take place each year on my birthday. Well, sit back and let me fill in the details....
First I am going to write the date on the tube of my kaleidoscope, November 25, 2011. Then I am going to write the color of each bead I will be using in my project and label what each color represents in my life. For example, I will probably choose blue to represent my children since I have sons and most likely green will signify my professional life because green is the color of money. I will try to choose a color for each area of my life, from family to home to pets to whatever is important. In case you haven't figured it out yet, this kaleidoscope will represent a snapshot of my life on November 25, 2011. Ideally each area of my life should be represented by one bead but if there are certain areas that are consuming more of my time and energy, then I'll put in two or more beads of that color. For example, between Davison's feet and Gabriel's possible brain processing issue, I suspect there will be two blue beads in this year's kaleidoscope. Also, an additional area of my life that will deserve its own colored bead, probably for the rest of my life, will be my brother and sister's addictions and their deaths. Hopefully that will be represented by no more than one red bead on that day.
You may be wondering what's the significance of this ridiculous exercise and if so then I ask you to ponder this....when was the last time you looked thru a kaleidoscope? For some of you, it has probably been many years. If you get a chance, pick one up and point it toward a light source, then give it a very gentle turn...slowly and gently. You'll be amazed how radically it changes with only a fraction of an inch turn. Not only the pattern will change but the colors too. It may be filled with blue for one second but a gentle turn can reduce the blue in it to a speck or even completely eliminate it all together. Turn it again and the blue reappears in a totally different configuration.
There are two points to this exercise. The first is all I have to do is look at the beads, what they represent and how many of each color is found in the little plastic end cap to know what my life was consumed with on this particular birthday. It will be a sort of visual journal. It will tell me what my life looked like on that day and this time in my life can be re-experienced again and again by picking up my November 25, 2011 kaleidoscope and giving it a turn. It will be visually obvious what areas of my life were receiving more or less attention. The second and probably more important lesson gleaned from this exercise is to remind myself that sometimes one area of my life takes on increased significance because of a sick child, a hectic work schedule or a loved one's addiction. In other words, sometimes I forget to turn the kaleidoscope. I forget that it's even possible--that a gentle change of focus can offer more balance. No individual bead is glued to the center of the kaleidoscope, demanding a key position in each unique pattern yet it's so easy to get bogged down in the ruts of life we sometimes forget that changing any part of it is up to us. We don't have to quit that job.. end a relationship...exercise and diet our way into a size 6.. get that promotion...(fill in blank are)... We don't "have" to do anything but we also don't "have" to (and shouldn't) make any one thing the center of our lives indefinitely. In fact, nothing should be the center of attention ALL the time...not if we want to enjoy a balanced life. Even when we are going thru something really difficult, maybe something we can't ignore, we can still turn the kaleidoscope and put that problem off center. Doesn't mean we are going to ignore it but we're not going to be consumed by it either. There may also be times when it seems the kaleidoscope turns on its own and forces a certain bead to the center...a scary health diagnosis for ourself or a loved one, the possibility of losing a job, an addict who's in a full-blown episode or failing recovery or possibly going to jail, a separation or divorce, winning the lottery, starting a new business, etc.. all these things can suddenly force themselves into your mind until you can't think of anything else. Eventually you remember that other areas of your life, like your children, pets, health, etc are being neglected and then you feel extra guilty. You might even be the type of person who designates a certain colored bead to guilty because it's a huge part of your life. But at the point you start feeling guilty, try to remember to turn the kaleidoscope. If you do this every time you think about it, eventually you'll start remembering before your life becomes completely unbalanced and you'll instinctively begin to make changes, even without the vision reminder of the kaleidoscope. It may seem like a simple childish game but sometimes the simplest things are the most effective.
Nothing is stopping you from giving your life a gentle turn or a hard spin...either way, the view is guaranteed to change!
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