Enlightenment seems to come in waves for me, never a slow progression but always a drenching burst of knowledge washing over me. I've been swimming all week.
Monday was spent rewinding my first Thanksgiving with my extended family in many years. It was a bit surreal and I felt somewhat like a fly on the wall, quietly observing the new dynamics of my family, some of them nearly strangers to me. Tuesday I met with my therapist/friend where we discussed my tendency to be so hard on myself...his words, not mine. We also discussed my issues with failure. Of course he wanted to know if I'd ever failed at anything...HA, that's funny. When I began listing my missteps, he asked why I considered these things failures. I gave the obvious answers...because I didn't finish, I quit, I gave up, etc... His analysis of my "failures" really gave me something to think about. He said starting something, striving for one thing or another but failing to achieve it doesn't mean I failed, it just means I am engaged in life. It means I'm not afraid to try. It means I'm willing to go for it....hummm, interesting.
I've always said I learn what I want to do in life but learning what I don't want to do. I've never been afraid to take a risk and if it doesn't work out, I move on to the next idea or adventure. He said that's how some people are hard-wired. It doesn't make me a failure and that I'm being way too hard on myself when I label those choices as such. I'm really not doing justice to his words, but they've given me something to think about, that's for sure. All these years, everyone's told me I'm too hard on myself but I just considered it high standards. For the first time I'm beginning to see what everyone else sees and I'm hoping to learn how to lighten up a bit on myself and others. Babysteps....
Then today a friend from back home called me and we talked for a long long time. We talked about our lives, the changes we are making, the good we have but forget about. Our lives aren't similar yet the journeys are the same. We both take notice of the big messages...yep, the karma and such, but we seem to ignore the quiet little messages we get from the Universe. Actually ignore is the wrong word...overlook is a better fit or maybe even rush past. For example, I've been really striving to stop being a "fixer", been working on it for over a year now. Strangely though when something big happens, it's not difficult to throw up my hands and say "not my problem" but it's those little day-to-day occurrences where I either fix it before I remember to stop myself or if I don't fix it, I forget to give myself credit for my hands-off approach. Or when I'm so focused on one son's struggle with learning, I forget to pat my other son on the back for his success in writing his name. For that matter, I don't pat myself on the back either for all the time I spent working with him. We both deserve the "atta boy" yet I don't even give us a few minutes to celebrate.
Enjoying my birthday lunch with several friends today, we talked for a few minutes about my friend's mom who was in a head-on collision last week. Even with several broken bones, she will recover, unlike the 21 year old kid who hit her. If he ever wakes up, he won't be the same. Once again, an incredibly difficult holiday week for my friend and her family yet so much more for them to be thankful for than the other driver's family.
When I reflect back over the years of my life, it's so easy to see only the bad..the rough times...because they seem to demand my attention even now--years later. But when I look at my history thru this week's fresh eyes, I can see how lucky I've been, how much good there was that outweighed the bad. There are so many details I've ignored, overlooked--memories I've allowed to be overshadowed by the darkness. We all do it to an extent. We all feel overwhelming gratitude after someone else has a brush with death or when we hear about a senseless tragedy but then we fall back into forgetfulness. We get so busy with life we don't celebrate the happy moments before we allow them to fade away.
I suppose none of these things are revolutionary but the combination of them all coming at me in such a condensed time period has drowned me in enlightenment. Just little baby steps of knowledge pushing me toward my final destination....
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