The holidays...it's hard to see all the beautiful lights and decorations without feeling a sense of wonder and excitement. Standing in line with my sons and niece while we waited for their turn to sit on Santa's lap, I couldn't help but smile at all the parents trying to contain their children's anticipation. It's hard to ignore the magic of the season. So why are so many people unhappy at Christmas? It seems we have such unrealistic expectations, such disillusion. It's impossible to ever have a holiday that even remotely resembles the idea we have in our heads.
I can't honestly say I have a lot of memories of my childhood Christmases. I can remember a few when we still lived in town so I was pretty young. I remember we got one big present and several smaller ones and we got to open one of the small ones on Christmas Eve. I always loved that. I don't remember a lot of holiday traditions although I'm sure we had some. By the time I was old enough to really start remembering the holidays, my brother was already getting into serious trouble with the law so I'm sure my mom was either crying or holding back tears...it always broke my heart to see her like that knowing I couldn't fix it...not exactly a joyous occasion. By the time I was a teenager, I'd buried two grandparents, an uncle and my brother. My oldest niece was only nine at the time her dad (my brother) died. Needless to say, holidays were forever altered at that point. I remember my mom always looking a bit numb which was exactly how I felt too. My sister tried to force everyone in the family to come together and she was always disappointed because it wasn't that perfect holiday she craved. Looking back, I think she thought a normal holiday was what everyone else was having so we should have it too. But bringing bodies together wasn't going to bring Ricky back to life. I think in some way she thought we could create a happiness that wasn't attainable. My mom's only son was dead, our only brother gone. My niece's dad deceased. There was no way to turn back the clock and even if she could have, the past wasn't filled with ridiculously happy holidays either. Yet somehow she always pushed to create something that I suspect in her heart of hearts, she knew wasn't possible. I think she set herself up to fail but I'm not really sure why.
The holidays used to be about getting together with family and enjoying each others company. Today it's about how many presents you can fit on your Visa card. I have a couple of friends who belong to a huge family that gets together every year on Christmas Eve. There's no expectations about who shows up or who doesn't. No gifts are exchanged so that financial pressure is relieved. One of grownups dresses in a Santa suit and all the parents who still have little kids bring one gift for their child and slips the present into Santa's bag. Everyone drinks and dances and laughs and eats and they have a great time together. At some point Santa shows up and calls all the little kids up to sit in his lap as he pulls their gift from the bag. The whole family has a wonderful time together. They look forward to it all year and are disappointed if they can't make it. Of course there's been losses. I know off the top of my head they've lost their parents, two brothers, one nephew and several little nieces, yet they celebrate being together and move on. It seems like the perfect extended family holiday. No crazy expectations, no hurt feelings, no disappointment.
For me, as a mother, it's my goal to create happy holiday memories and traditions for my children. I've been trying since my first Christmas with my first son who came home in early December 2007 to create these wonderful traditions and it turns out they've created themselves without me even noticing. For example, for several years we've gone to a local church for their annual Christmas Cookie Walk. It was sort of a fun thing to do and we had plans to do it again this year but before I knew it, that Saturday was filled up with activities so I suggested we skip it this year. My eight year old niece let me know in no uncertain terms that we do this every year and she didn't want to miss it this year. There's a tradition. She told me yesterday that she doesn't even really want the cookies. So for her, it's about the memory..the tradition...that's something she'll hold in her heart forever.
I've been an aunt since was I eight years old and I suppose that position came with certain expectations. I always given gifts or money to my nieces and nephew even though most of them never bothered to call or text to say thanks. Most of them don't contact me throughout the year which tells me I'm not on their radar. I guess I've just been the invisible aunt who sent gifts and maybe that's okay, considering the dysfunction of our family. At least maybe it WAS okay. But most of them are grown up now. There's only a couple who are still young enough to even believe in Santa. And I don't feel like it's my job to be the invisible aunt who sends gifts anymore. They are old enough to not really expect a gift from me anymore and they're certainly old enough to say thank you if I do send one. They are old enough to send a text that says Happy Birthday or Merry Christmas. And they are old enough to acknowledge my sons with a small birthday present just as I acknowledged them and their children for their whole lives. And they are old enough to be held accountable for their actions. I don't expect them to give me a birthday or Christmas gift, but I do expect to be acknowledged for what I've given them. Maybe I'm just old fashioned but it's disrespectful to ignore someone who goes to the trouble of spending their hard-earned money on you. Honestly, it's made me feel a little bit used for several years now but I suppose that's not really fair either. They aren't using me. They aren't demanding gifts from me. It's been completely one-way. Me giving to them. So in reality it's my fault. I never should have allowed myself to get in this position. I'm not even sure how it happened. It's not like I grew up with extended family showering me with gifts. I had ten aunts and uncles..never got gifts from them...didn't expect them. Only one aunt gave me gifts and she and I were really close. So how did I get in this position with family that I don't even talk to all year long? Somehow I must have started this ball rolling, but how? And why? It's completely unnecessary so what happened? They obviously don't expect anything from me and they aren't really interested in a relationship with me either. So why do I feel used and resentful if I give them something this year and a little bit guilty if I don't? What does that mean? I am trying to raise my sons to be respectful and thankful so what message am I sending them if I give money to relatives who don't even acknowledge me or my children...ever? And for that matter, what message am I sending my nieces and nephew? That's it's okay to accept a gift from someone that you don't even care about? That a simple "thank you" isn't necessary anymore? Or maybe they think I'm trying to buy their attention? None of these are messages I want to be sending to them or especially to my children. And you know what, I'm not sending this message to myself anymore either. I deserve to treated with respect and if someone isn't willing to do that...well then maybe we need to be distant relatives.
Is this why the holidays are so crappy for so many people? Because they are filled with land mines of expectations ...guaranteed to blow up in your face?
So I'm starting new traditions this year...traditions that work better for me and my family. I am focusing my attention on the people who are part of my life, the people who are involved in my life, who treat me with respect. That includes a few family members and some real friends who are as close to me as family. I talk to them often even if they live in another state. These are the people who show up. These are the people who know what's going on in my life, who know me and my children. These are the people who would do anything for me. These people are my family. These are who I am focusing on and who are focusing on me.
So this year, on Christmas Eve, new traditions will be born! (hopefully)...we are going to make more reindeer food because Santa didn't send nearly enough in his letters to the boys. Then of course we have to sprinkle the reindeer food on the front lawn. And we'll drink hot chocolate and read The Night Before Christmas, maybe watch The Polar Express or some other Christmas movie. And maybe we'll even open one small present, just like I did when I was a kid.
Because that's what Christmas is all about. Spending time with people who love you all year long, laughing and enjoying each other's company...there's no room for ridiculously high expectations, disillusionment or disappointment here. I'm going to create that perfect family holiday that my sister craved so much but with a twist. I guess "perfect" is in the eye of the beholder. Hanging out with family, laughing and being silly, drinking hot chocolate (possibly with a little Jameson's in it)...sounds pretty perfect to me. And there's no room for guilt in that.
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