So here we go...my final official resolution for New Year's 2012...I say official because I have lots of little changes I'm working on...just a little tweak here and there to ramp up my life a bit but this last one is by far the biggest and the hardest to accomplish. It's hardest because in order for it to be a real success, it will take the commitment of my whole family. I'm sure if I asked them right now, at this very moment, they would probably say sure, no problem-o but I doubt they'd truly be committed. It's easy to yes to anything but when it's time to stand behind your conviction, most people fold. And once again, I'm asking them to go against a lifetime of learned teachings....that's a lot to ask of anyone, especially when it's not their idea to begin with.
But still I plan to commit to this resolution and I'm asking my family who reads this blog to commit to it also but I don't know if they will or not. I know it will be tough at times, but I truly believe we'll all be better off for it. I'm asking my family to commit to fight with each other, to argue and disagree. I know that sounds crazy, but our family has no idea how to do that. We just don't do it. Sometimes one of us gets our feelings hurt or we disagree with someone else, but we never tell the other person. Most likely we vent to a third family member so the message eventually gets back to the original party, but even then, it's not addressed. I'm not talking about confrontations or knock-down-drag-outs. We know how to do those. I'm talking about disagreements, about "hey that really hurt my feelings when you said (fill in the blank here)" or "I think that's a really bad idea" or even an "it's my life and I'm going to live it exactly the way I want to". Hell I'd even take an "I know you don't agree, but I'm not asking for advice."
I know it sounds crazy to ask for arguing but our family doesn't know how and if we ever want to have a normal family relationship, it means we have to be willing to commit to share ALL our feelings and emotions. We can't ask for "normal" on holidays if we aren't normal with each other the other 360 days of the year.
I'll give you an example of what I'm taking about using myself and my niece, who most of you know. She and I have already discussed this situation--a fact I'm very proud of considering we never do that--so I'm not divulging any family secrets here. In a recent blog I mentioned no longer wanting to be the invisible aunt who sends presents and money to my nieces and nephew at Christmas and birthdays. I told her about my plan, face-to-face, and she seemed to be fine with it. I realize looking back that my desire for her to be "okay" with it was just a typical dysfunctional desire to not upset her or hurt her feelings even though it really had nothing to do with her and her feelings shouldn't have even factored in to it. But that's not my point. Anyway, so I told her face-to-face and she seemed fine with it. Then a week or so later, she sent me a text to tell me that her brother decided to spend Christmas with her and she wanted to know what to do about Christmas Eve. We had originally planned to get together, share a few fun traditions and exchange gifts. She was concerned because I had said I wasn't going to be getting my nephew a present anymore and she felt he would feel uncomfortable. Personally I think she was the only one who would have felt uncomfortable--a fact I've already mentioned to her--but I gave her several options and then told her to do whatever she wanted to do. She choose to cancel Christmas Eve. She did it to avoid the possibility of some discomfort but in the process she robbed her sister and daughter, along with my two sons and myself, of spending the holiday together. She also removed the chance for my nephew and I to get to know each other a little better. Not a life alternating choice, but one she made for all of us. But that's not the real issue.
Here's where the problem really lies. After she decided to cancel Christmas Eve, she called my mom to vent. Apparently she said some really mean things--something we all do, including myself, from time-to-time when we are venting. Then when my mom wasn't able to reason with her, she went to her ex-husband and read my blog to him. I'm not sure if she was hoping he would agree with her or why she went to him, but she did. According to her, he was able to make her see my point of view and she actually felt bad enough about her venting that she called both my mom and me to apologize.....I think a little piece of Hell might have frozen over that night because she NEVER apologizes. I am very proud of her for that.
Here's where my real issue lies....somehow I hurt her feelings. I'm not really sure how I did that because it absolutely was not my intent yet somehow I did. She chose to vent to my mom which then pulled an innocent third party into the mix--not really fair to do that. My mom tried to convince her to discuss it with me but she said I would just get mad. First of all, I think that's a cop-out. I get accused of potentially getting mad a lot more than I really do. Second, so what if I get mad? She has a right to feel upset and I have a right to get angry. That's "normal"...something I thought we were shooting for. Then there's the issue of discussing it with her ex-husband. She says he made her see my point-of-view. I don't like that one bit and not because she chose to go to her ex. It's her life, her choice and her consequences-- (see resolution #3b for my point of view on this). It bugs me because she chose to go to someone else to get my point-of-view instead of coming to me--the source. While I'm glad he was able to make her feel better, it doesn't mean he told her my point-of-view because he doesn't know it. By going to him and to my mom, she robbed me of the chance to explain myself. I thought I made my point perfectly clear but obviously I didn't. Had she come to me, it would have given me an opportunity to grow into a better communicator, something that's very important to me. It also would have given her the chance to learn how to read and understand others better so she would have grown from the experience also. And it would have given us both the opportunity to realize that just because you don't agree with someone doesn't mean they don't have the right to feel the way they do about it. And it doesn't change how much you love them. But instead an argument was avoided, just like always. Status quo. That's just one example and believe me I could come up with dozens more involving all of us. I just made myself and my niece the scapegoats for this particular blog. And I've been just as guilty as the rest of my family so don't think I'm acting like an innocent victim here. I can always give just as good as I get....or better. And don't think I'm trying to say my niece handled this all wrong. She did what we always do. She handled it very predictably because this is how my family handles disagreements. This is no one's "fault". It's all our fault I guess. It's our family dynamics and no one has ever tried to change it....until now.
My point in making this resolution is I want "normal" too. I want the chance to be a better family. Hell, I want the chance to just be a family, PERIOD. It's never going to happen if we don't agree to be honest with each other. We have to agree to argue and disagree--face-to-face, no damn texting-- be mad at each other for a day or two and then agree to sit down and work it out. That's normal....so that's what I'm shooting for this year. You can't have rainbows without a little rain.
THE END...Happy New Year to everyone and may 2012 bring you more happiness than you know what to do with!
Thursday, December 29, 2011
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
and the top two finalists are....
So I'm nearly finished with my list of resolutions, having saved the most difficult two for last. Neither of these will be easy to accomplish but are very,very...very... VERY necessary for my continued growth. Committing to these two will be extremely difficult, mostly because it will require breaking habits of a lifetime, but I am up for the challenge. So here goes....
4. Analyze and evaluate all fingers. Sounds weird, doesn't it? Maybe I should restate that... analyze and evaluate all finger-pointing. Would that make more sense? Okay, then. No explanation needed so I'll move on.......okay, okay, I'm kidding, at least about the moving on part.
I'm not sure where I heard this, but it makes such sense I'm almost embarrassed to admit I'd never thought of it before. Hold your hand out and point your index finger away from you like you're pointing at someone and saying, "he did it!" Go ahead and try it. Now look at your hand. I'm sure you know what I'm about it say, but I'll say it anyway. Have you ever noticed that when you're pointing a finger at someone, you are pointing one finger toward him/her while your three others are doubled-back and pointing at you? hummm
How many of you have ever been told that you butt heads with someone--usually a parent or child--because you're just like him/her? I think we've all heard that once or twice in our lifetime and the finger-pointing technique is simply a visual representation of that saying. They both mean that what we see in others is also present in ourselves. The good, the bad and the ugly although both are usually referencing the bad &/or ugly more often than the good. I've heard it often in reference to the stubbornness I share with my father, the attitude found in both myself and my 8-year old niece or even the cheeky lip service of my son. But recently it's dawned on me that this saying extends beyond a shared gene pool. Let me explain....
I have analyzed the saying and applied it to several different situations in my life. My experiment unearthed an interesting fact. Whenever I noticed or commented on a trait I found undesirable in someone else, that exact same trait could be found in myself if I was willing to do a little digging in my psyche...often lying just under the surface. Obviously it can't be applied to every situation. There are times when we notice and comment on someone else such as calling them a jerk or a nosy gossip or even something much worse. It certainly doesn't mean we share every undesirable trait we notice in others. It seems to only apply when noticing these traits emits a visceral response in our heart. When our gut twists or we suddenly feel anger or disgust, that's when something is striking too close to home. You know what I'm talking about, don't you? You notice your best friend's husband is very controlling or maybe your sister thinks the whole world revolves around her. Maybe someone says or does something that hurts your feelings or maybe their sarcasm cuts a little deep. When you find yourself feeling irritated with your sister or rolling your eyes when your friend starts venting about her husband, turn the situation around and ask yourself how are you controlling or when do you think the world revolves around you. I guarantee you'll be able to find these same traits in yourself. Don't make it too complicated. I'm saying if someone bugs you, you're basically looking into a mirror and refusing to recognize your own reflection.
I know some of you are shaking your head in denial right now, but trust me, if you give this experiment a try and agree to be really honest with yourself, you'll find what I'm talking about.
I guess the whole point of this exercise is if you are willing to recognize the flaws and faults in yourself that appear so easily in others, then you can do a little soul-searching, determine where or why you acquired this negative attribute and cleanse it from your bag of tricks. I honestly believe it works. Even if your ex-boyfriend cheated on you with another woman (or many other women) and you've never cheated on anyone, I promise if you really dig, you'll find situations in the past where you cheated on someone. Maybe not sexually but you'll find relationships that you weren't really committed to even though you said you were. I guarantee you'll find variations of the same traits in yourself that make you crazy in others. Give it a try and see where it leads you.
Good grief this one was hard to write...not because it was emotionally hard, but because it was hard to explain. Hopefully it made sense and you'll get my point.
Okay, so that brings us to my final resolution....which I'm not about to start tonight...more later
4. Analyze and evaluate all fingers. Sounds weird, doesn't it? Maybe I should restate that... analyze and evaluate all finger-pointing. Would that make more sense? Okay, then. No explanation needed so I'll move on.......okay, okay, I'm kidding, at least about the moving on part.
I'm not sure where I heard this, but it makes such sense I'm almost embarrassed to admit I'd never thought of it before. Hold your hand out and point your index finger away from you like you're pointing at someone and saying, "he did it!" Go ahead and try it. Now look at your hand. I'm sure you know what I'm about it say, but I'll say it anyway. Have you ever noticed that when you're pointing a finger at someone, you are pointing one finger toward him/her while your three others are doubled-back and pointing at you? hummm
How many of you have ever been told that you butt heads with someone--usually a parent or child--because you're just like him/her? I think we've all heard that once or twice in our lifetime and the finger-pointing technique is simply a visual representation of that saying. They both mean that what we see in others is also present in ourselves. The good, the bad and the ugly although both are usually referencing the bad &/or ugly more often than the good. I've heard it often in reference to the stubbornness I share with my father, the attitude found in both myself and my 8-year old niece or even the cheeky lip service of my son. But recently it's dawned on me that this saying extends beyond a shared gene pool. Let me explain....
I have analyzed the saying and applied it to several different situations in my life. My experiment unearthed an interesting fact. Whenever I noticed or commented on a trait I found undesirable in someone else, that exact same trait could be found in myself if I was willing to do a little digging in my psyche...often lying just under the surface. Obviously it can't be applied to every situation. There are times when we notice and comment on someone else such as calling them a jerk or a nosy gossip or even something much worse. It certainly doesn't mean we share every undesirable trait we notice in others. It seems to only apply when noticing these traits emits a visceral response in our heart. When our gut twists or we suddenly feel anger or disgust, that's when something is striking too close to home. You know what I'm talking about, don't you? You notice your best friend's husband is very controlling or maybe your sister thinks the whole world revolves around her. Maybe someone says or does something that hurts your feelings or maybe their sarcasm cuts a little deep. When you find yourself feeling irritated with your sister or rolling your eyes when your friend starts venting about her husband, turn the situation around and ask yourself how are you controlling or when do you think the world revolves around you. I guarantee you'll be able to find these same traits in yourself. Don't make it too complicated. I'm saying if someone bugs you, you're basically looking into a mirror and refusing to recognize your own reflection.
I know some of you are shaking your head in denial right now, but trust me, if you give this experiment a try and agree to be really honest with yourself, you'll find what I'm talking about.
I guess the whole point of this exercise is if you are willing to recognize the flaws and faults in yourself that appear so easily in others, then you can do a little soul-searching, determine where or why you acquired this negative attribute and cleanse it from your bag of tricks. I honestly believe it works. Even if your ex-boyfriend cheated on you with another woman (or many other women) and you've never cheated on anyone, I promise if you really dig, you'll find situations in the past where you cheated on someone. Maybe not sexually but you'll find relationships that you weren't really committed to even though you said you were. I guarantee you'll find variations of the same traits in yourself that make you crazy in others. Give it a try and see where it leads you.
Good grief this one was hard to write...not because it was emotionally hard, but because it was hard to explain. Hopefully it made sense and you'll get my point.
Okay, so that brings us to my final resolution....which I'm not about to start tonight...more later
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
And the winners are...
As mentioned in the previous entry, I've been laboring over my list of potential resolutions, weighing the pros and cons of each against my resolve. As it turns out, I've known all along which ideas would float to the top so I could have saved myself a lot of time and effort if I'd just followed my gut. But I suppose it never hurts to validate a gut reaction with a little old fashioned elbow grease.
So let's begin. Here are my resolutions for 2012 and why they made the list.....
1. Make all new mistakes. This is the resolution I've made for probably fifteen years or more and it still deserves top billing in my opinion. On the surface, it seems like a silly resolution, almost trite... to make "new" mistakes but in reality, it's the most life changing of them all. In actuality if a person could accomplish this, their life would improve exponentially each year. Think about it. Every mistake we make...every single one. Learned from, growth experienced, never to be repeated. Think about that concept for a moment. Think about how many missteps we make each year, big and small. From ignoring your child when they're wanting your undivided attention to working for a company who's ethical standards are below par. From sitting in church every Sunday and nodding in agreement with the tenants of the bible and then ignoring those same laws when you gossip about your neighbor, judge a stranger who's down on his luck or engage in "creative" tax accounting. Or on a personal level, how many times do we "tell" people how to treat us? How many times do we allow someone we love to manipulate us or walk all over us? Maybe we allow others opinions to influence our own opinions of ourselves or we refuse to learn from our mistakes so even if we break free from someone who's holding us down, we continue to attract others who treat us exactly the same way. Imagine if we could do the work to learn from that mistake and never repeat it? Imagine how much better we would be and think of the example we'd set for our children....... All these mistakes and so many more. I could go on and on and on. Obviously I've never successfully learned from every mistake I've made before making it again but that doesn't stop me from trying. Like the Holy Grail, I will forever seek the prize of this quest. So that's my first resolution...
2. Seek positive news only. Several years ago I quit watching the news or reading newspapers because I needed to eliminate some of the negativity in my life yet I hate being un-informed. Instead I choose the internet as a source for world events because I could pick and choose what stories to read and which to ignore. That seemed to work pretty well for several years but recently I've noticed a resurgence of that oppressive feeling. Maybe journalists are getting more descriptive with their story titles or I'm just getting better at reading between the lines, but scanning the titles is practically the same as reading the whole thing anymore. It's just too much. I'm sick to death of all the negative press. So I did a little research and I've found a few websites that report only positive news and I'm going to give them a try. It's amazing how many of these report the same stories but focus on the positives instead of the negatives. It sounds like such a refreshing change so I'm going to give it a try before moving to an isolated cabin in some remote part of Montana to live completely off the grid!
3. A clustered plan. Because I'm saving the biggest and most difficult two for last and I really don't want this list of resolutions to be as long as my arm, I'm grouping a few of the simplest that require the least amount of explanation.
3a-Focus on the present and be grateful. No explanation needed here.
3b-Walk my own path. An acquaintance of mine once told me that during a biking trip across China, she had a philosophical discussion with a Catholic priest who told her that it's inherently wrong to do someone else's work. The profoundness of that statement has stuck with me since the day she told it to me. I try to think about it whenever someone I care about is repeating a mistake or heading in the wrong direction (in my opinion). I try to remember that we each have our own paths to walk and lessons to learn. By not learning them the first time, we will encounter them again and again until the message is received loud and clear...(refer back to resolution #1 here). This is a tough one for me for two reasons. First I don't want my loved ones to be hurt repeatedly, even if it is because they refuse to learn from the past and second, there's a fine line between maintaining a hands-off attitude and coming across as detached and uncaring. This one's a work in progress for me since this was a resolution from New Year's 2009 that I haven't completely mastered yet. But I'm working on it.
3c-Let myself off the hook in some areas of my life and hold myself accountable in others. Not a lot of explanation needed here...just need to work on knowing when to push and when to coast...another work in progress that may require the help of my friends. Sometimes it's easier to see from the outside looking in.
It's getting late and I'm tired of writing. Three down and two to go....but I'll save those for tomorrow.
Monday, December 26, 2011
It's that resolution time of year again...
In all honesty, I'm not really a New Year's Resolution making kinda girl. I definitely believe in making life changing decisions but I rarely restrict myself to one day a year...and I'm not a big fan of doing something when everyone else on the planet is doing it either. But, this year is different. I'm naming 2012 as the year of change, at least my personal year of change. For those of you who know me well, you probably think 2011 should hold that title but I've got bigger plans for 2012...assuming the Mayans weren't actually predicting the end of the world....as we know it. Hopefully since we've just entered the Age of Aquarius, the Mayans were predicting the downfall of corruption, corporate controlled economies and such which opens us up to enter an age of enlightenment, peace and a kinder, gentler world. If they were actually predicting Armageddon, well then my plans won't really matter in the long run anyway but I'm going to think positive and assume life won't end in slightly less than a year so I'm moving ahead with my resolution plans.
For a little background info, I googled New Year's Resolutions to see the origin of this tradition. Turns out it originated in Rome in 153 BC, developing from the worship of Janus (a mythical God with two faces). Janus was the God of beginnings, gates and doors. January was named after him and with two faces, he could look backward and forward at the same time, thus the tradition of beginning the month of January by looking back to review the previous year and forward in anticipation of the coming year began. Christianity would later take the tradition and claim it as it's own but actually a tremendous number of Christian traditions originated in Pagan rituals...a fact many Christians don't realize and those that do pretend it's fiction....but I digress. Nearly every country today has a slightly different tradition to ring in the new year and except for the U.S., most revolve around the whole household, usually involving a ritual that cleanses the house and its occupants of the negative events from the current year and a blessing for positive events in the coming year. The U.S. tradition doesn't focus on the house or its occupants. We seem to be more self-involved (a fact that should shock no one) and we usually concentrate strictly upon ourselves. We've even succeeded in taking a tradition originally steeped with deep meaning and turned it into a trivial game with little or no redeeming value. I don't know many people who put much thought into their resolution so there's a lot of vowing to losing weight, exercising more, having more patience with the kids, being more assertive at work, etc.. All valuable ideals and easy to repeat again next year when we fail to maintain this year's resolution into March...or February...or often even late January. Truthfully, we suck at these things yet we nobly try, try again.
So this year, I'm joining the resolution bandwagon in a big way. I've decided to ring in my year of change with not one resolution but several. I've been tucking ideas and ideals away for some time and now have too many resolutions to count. The only requirement to make the list was to be an idea that piqued my interest and to have teeth ... bite ... something I could sink my teeth into...a real challenge to change my life for the better. My choices of resolutions center around my inner self, digging a little deeper to make my world a better place and hopefully the world of those around me in the process. All that's left is to sort thru the list and narrow down my choices to a manageable yet challenging number. As Steve Jobs once said in his now famous speech to a group of college graduates, death is very likely the single best invention of life. It is life's change agent. It clears out the old to make way for the new. Sounds similar to the original purpose of the new year's resolution but on a make grander scale....and with harsher consequences. But since I have no plans to include death in my year of change (assuming the Mayans are on my side), I'll stick with a few life-altering resolutions instead.
So without further adieu...(insert drum roll here) ..........................................................................all will be revealed....in my next blog entry.
For a little background info, I googled New Year's Resolutions to see the origin of this tradition. Turns out it originated in Rome in 153 BC, developing from the worship of Janus (a mythical God with two faces). Janus was the God of beginnings, gates and doors. January was named after him and with two faces, he could look backward and forward at the same time, thus the tradition of beginning the month of January by looking back to review the previous year and forward in anticipation of the coming year began. Christianity would later take the tradition and claim it as it's own but actually a tremendous number of Christian traditions originated in Pagan rituals...a fact many Christians don't realize and those that do pretend it's fiction....but I digress. Nearly every country today has a slightly different tradition to ring in the new year and except for the U.S., most revolve around the whole household, usually involving a ritual that cleanses the house and its occupants of the negative events from the current year and a blessing for positive events in the coming year. The U.S. tradition doesn't focus on the house or its occupants. We seem to be more self-involved (a fact that should shock no one) and we usually concentrate strictly upon ourselves. We've even succeeded in taking a tradition originally steeped with deep meaning and turned it into a trivial game with little or no redeeming value. I don't know many people who put much thought into their resolution so there's a lot of vowing to losing weight, exercising more, having more patience with the kids, being more assertive at work, etc.. All valuable ideals and easy to repeat again next year when we fail to maintain this year's resolution into March...or February...or often even late January. Truthfully, we suck at these things yet we nobly try, try again.
So this year, I'm joining the resolution bandwagon in a big way. I've decided to ring in my year of change with not one resolution but several. I've been tucking ideas and ideals away for some time and now have too many resolutions to count. The only requirement to make the list was to be an idea that piqued my interest and to have teeth ... bite ... something I could sink my teeth into...a real challenge to change my life for the better. My choices of resolutions center around my inner self, digging a little deeper to make my world a better place and hopefully the world of those around me in the process. All that's left is to sort thru the list and narrow down my choices to a manageable yet challenging number. As Steve Jobs once said in his now famous speech to a group of college graduates, death is very likely the single best invention of life. It is life's change agent. It clears out the old to make way for the new. Sounds similar to the original purpose of the new year's resolution but on a make grander scale....and with harsher consequences. But since I have no plans to include death in my year of change (assuming the Mayans are on my side), I'll stick with a few life-altering resolutions instead.
So without further adieu...(insert drum roll here) ..........................................................................all will be revealed....in my next blog entry.
Sunday, December 18, 2011
freedom = reflection....
My sons left this morning to spend a few days with my parents on the farm. I'm not going to lie...as soon as the door closed, I danced a little gig and let out a loud "hootie-hoo!" I love my kids dearly but boy do I miss my alone time...my adult time...my freedom to do whatever, whenever and however I want. The next few days are going to be about me, me, ME!!!
Yep, that was the plan..still is I suppose. But as always, my mind won't allow me to simply shutdown and relax without doing a little forward thinking and backward reflecting. After a couple of hours of solitude, I couldn't help but wonder what my life would have looked like without my two little tornadoes. I spent the rest of the day in an Ebenezer Scrooge moment....visited by the ghosts of Christmas past, present and what's to come. I looked at the Christmas tree, the fireplace decorations and all the presents and could actually see them disappear right before my eyes. Without my kids, I suspect they wouldn't be there. The stocking from my childhood would remain tucked away with all the other decorations. Even though I don't consider myself a Scrooge, I'm sure I wouldn't have spent the time or energy decorating for just myself. Maybe I would have done a little decorating, especially for my eight year old niece, but she has beautiful decorations at her home so I'm not sure she'd need mine.
Outside my front window is a beautiful Blue Spruce tree that I had planted several years ago. I try to decorate it each Christmas, maybe a small indication of holiday joy, but an attempt never the less. Each year it grows enough that I have to buy more strings of lights and this year I had to stand on my tiptoes and almost fling the lights to the top of the tree. It's grown and changed so much, quietly getting more beautiful. It is the perfect Christmas tree shape, its branches full and aromatic. There's something about this particular tree that brings out a sense of nostalgia in me. It makes my heart ache for the mountains every time I look at it throughout the year. I chose to plant a Blue Spruce because I thought it would bring a little piece of the mountains to me here but instead it's made me crave that mountain air even more.
Seeing that beautiful tree twinkling with lights and sparkly ornaments, I can't help but think about my holiday plans for the future, the dreams I have, the traditions I hope to enjoy with my family, the places we will experience together. I can't help but dream.... and I can't imagine my future with my sons. There's so much I want to experience with them, so much I want to show them. Places, cultures, people, hopes, dreams...so much to share.....
The holidays bring out the best in me now that I have children. Looking forward or back, I see the good instead of the bad. Even though decorating takes a lot of time and energy, it brings my family together in a positive way. It's so easy to long for the days of being in control of my own life, but these moments are worth so much more than the good ol' days.
Freedom...it's a wonderful gift but as it turns out, I only need it in small doses. I chose this life. I chose them or maybe they chose me. Either way, I wouldn't have it any other way. And isn't that what the holidays are all about? Recognizing the gifts we already have in our lives and being grateful for them?
But I'm still going to enjoy the next few days of peace and solitude... what a wonderful Christmas gift to me...
Yep, that was the plan..still is I suppose. But as always, my mind won't allow me to simply shutdown and relax without doing a little forward thinking and backward reflecting. After a couple of hours of solitude, I couldn't help but wonder what my life would have looked like without my two little tornadoes. I spent the rest of the day in an Ebenezer Scrooge moment....visited by the ghosts of Christmas past, present and what's to come. I looked at the Christmas tree, the fireplace decorations and all the presents and could actually see them disappear right before my eyes. Without my kids, I suspect they wouldn't be there. The stocking from my childhood would remain tucked away with all the other decorations. Even though I don't consider myself a Scrooge, I'm sure I wouldn't have spent the time or energy decorating for just myself. Maybe I would have done a little decorating, especially for my eight year old niece, but she has beautiful decorations at her home so I'm not sure she'd need mine.
Outside my front window is a beautiful Blue Spruce tree that I had planted several years ago. I try to decorate it each Christmas, maybe a small indication of holiday joy, but an attempt never the less. Each year it grows enough that I have to buy more strings of lights and this year I had to stand on my tiptoes and almost fling the lights to the top of the tree. It's grown and changed so much, quietly getting more beautiful. It is the perfect Christmas tree shape, its branches full and aromatic. There's something about this particular tree that brings out a sense of nostalgia in me. It makes my heart ache for the mountains every time I look at it throughout the year. I chose to plant a Blue Spruce because I thought it would bring a little piece of the mountains to me here but instead it's made me crave that mountain air even more.
Seeing that beautiful tree twinkling with lights and sparkly ornaments, I can't help but think about my holiday plans for the future, the dreams I have, the traditions I hope to enjoy with my family, the places we will experience together. I can't help but dream.... and I can't imagine my future with my sons. There's so much I want to experience with them, so much I want to show them. Places, cultures, people, hopes, dreams...so much to share.....
The holidays bring out the best in me now that I have children. Looking forward or back, I see the good instead of the bad. Even though decorating takes a lot of time and energy, it brings my family together in a positive way. It's so easy to long for the days of being in control of my own life, but these moments are worth so much more than the good ol' days.
Freedom...it's a wonderful gift but as it turns out, I only need it in small doses. I chose this life. I chose them or maybe they chose me. Either way, I wouldn't have it any other way. And isn't that what the holidays are all about? Recognizing the gifts we already have in our lives and being grateful for them?
But I'm still going to enjoy the next few days of peace and solitude... what a wonderful Christmas gift to me...
Monday, December 12, 2011
the holidays...
The holidays...it's hard to see all the beautiful lights and decorations without feeling a sense of wonder and excitement. Standing in line with my sons and niece while we waited for their turn to sit on Santa's lap, I couldn't help but smile at all the parents trying to contain their children's anticipation. It's hard to ignore the magic of the season. So why are so many people unhappy at Christmas? It seems we have such unrealistic expectations, such disillusion. It's impossible to ever have a holiday that even remotely resembles the idea we have in our heads.
I can't honestly say I have a lot of memories of my childhood Christmases. I can remember a few when we still lived in town so I was pretty young. I remember we got one big present and several smaller ones and we got to open one of the small ones on Christmas Eve. I always loved that. I don't remember a lot of holiday traditions although I'm sure we had some. By the time I was old enough to really start remembering the holidays, my brother was already getting into serious trouble with the law so I'm sure my mom was either crying or holding back tears...it always broke my heart to see her like that knowing I couldn't fix it...not exactly a joyous occasion. By the time I was a teenager, I'd buried two grandparents, an uncle and my brother. My oldest niece was only nine at the time her dad (my brother) died. Needless to say, holidays were forever altered at that point. I remember my mom always looking a bit numb which was exactly how I felt too. My sister tried to force everyone in the family to come together and she was always disappointed because it wasn't that perfect holiday she craved. Looking back, I think she thought a normal holiday was what everyone else was having so we should have it too. But bringing bodies together wasn't going to bring Ricky back to life. I think in some way she thought we could create a happiness that wasn't attainable. My mom's only son was dead, our only brother gone. My niece's dad deceased. There was no way to turn back the clock and even if she could have, the past wasn't filled with ridiculously happy holidays either. Yet somehow she always pushed to create something that I suspect in her heart of hearts, she knew wasn't possible. I think she set herself up to fail but I'm not really sure why.
The holidays used to be about getting together with family and enjoying each others company. Today it's about how many presents you can fit on your Visa card. I have a couple of friends who belong to a huge family that gets together every year on Christmas Eve. There's no expectations about who shows up or who doesn't. No gifts are exchanged so that financial pressure is relieved. One of grownups dresses in a Santa suit and all the parents who still have little kids bring one gift for their child and slips the present into Santa's bag. Everyone drinks and dances and laughs and eats and they have a great time together. At some point Santa shows up and calls all the little kids up to sit in his lap as he pulls their gift from the bag. The whole family has a wonderful time together. They look forward to it all year and are disappointed if they can't make it. Of course there's been losses. I know off the top of my head they've lost their parents, two brothers, one nephew and several little nieces, yet they celebrate being together and move on. It seems like the perfect extended family holiday. No crazy expectations, no hurt feelings, no disappointment.
For me, as a mother, it's my goal to create happy holiday memories and traditions for my children. I've been trying since my first Christmas with my first son who came home in early December 2007 to create these wonderful traditions and it turns out they've created themselves without me even noticing. For example, for several years we've gone to a local church for their annual Christmas Cookie Walk. It was sort of a fun thing to do and we had plans to do it again this year but before I knew it, that Saturday was filled up with activities so I suggested we skip it this year. My eight year old niece let me know in no uncertain terms that we do this every year and she didn't want to miss it this year. There's a tradition. She told me yesterday that she doesn't even really want the cookies. So for her, it's about the memory..the tradition...that's something she'll hold in her heart forever.
I've been an aunt since was I eight years old and I suppose that position came with certain expectations. I always given gifts or money to my nieces and nephew even though most of them never bothered to call or text to say thanks. Most of them don't contact me throughout the year which tells me I'm not on their radar. I guess I've just been the invisible aunt who sent gifts and maybe that's okay, considering the dysfunction of our family. At least maybe it WAS okay. But most of them are grown up now. There's only a couple who are still young enough to even believe in Santa. And I don't feel like it's my job to be the invisible aunt who sends gifts anymore. They are old enough to not really expect a gift from me anymore and they're certainly old enough to say thank you if I do send one. They are old enough to send a text that says Happy Birthday or Merry Christmas. And they are old enough to acknowledge my sons with a small birthday present just as I acknowledged them and their children for their whole lives. And they are old enough to be held accountable for their actions. I don't expect them to give me a birthday or Christmas gift, but I do expect to be acknowledged for what I've given them. Maybe I'm just old fashioned but it's disrespectful to ignore someone who goes to the trouble of spending their hard-earned money on you. Honestly, it's made me feel a little bit used for several years now but I suppose that's not really fair either. They aren't using me. They aren't demanding gifts from me. It's been completely one-way. Me giving to them. So in reality it's my fault. I never should have allowed myself to get in this position. I'm not even sure how it happened. It's not like I grew up with extended family showering me with gifts. I had ten aunts and uncles..never got gifts from them...didn't expect them. Only one aunt gave me gifts and she and I were really close. So how did I get in this position with family that I don't even talk to all year long? Somehow I must have started this ball rolling, but how? And why? It's completely unnecessary so what happened? They obviously don't expect anything from me and they aren't really interested in a relationship with me either. So why do I feel used and resentful if I give them something this year and a little bit guilty if I don't? What does that mean? I am trying to raise my sons to be respectful and thankful so what message am I sending them if I give money to relatives who don't even acknowledge me or my children...ever? And for that matter, what message am I sending my nieces and nephew? That's it's okay to accept a gift from someone that you don't even care about? That a simple "thank you" isn't necessary anymore? Or maybe they think I'm trying to buy their attention? None of these are messages I want to be sending to them or especially to my children. And you know what, I'm not sending this message to myself anymore either. I deserve to treated with respect and if someone isn't willing to do that...well then maybe we need to be distant relatives.
Is this why the holidays are so crappy for so many people? Because they are filled with land mines of expectations ...guaranteed to blow up in your face?
So I'm starting new traditions this year...traditions that work better for me and my family. I am focusing my attention on the people who are part of my life, the people who are involved in my life, who treat me with respect. That includes a few family members and some real friends who are as close to me as family. I talk to them often even if they live in another state. These are the people who show up. These are the people who know what's going on in my life, who know me and my children. These are the people who would do anything for me. These people are my family. These are who I am focusing on and who are focusing on me.
So this year, on Christmas Eve, new traditions will be born! (hopefully)...we are going to make more reindeer food because Santa didn't send nearly enough in his letters to the boys. Then of course we have to sprinkle the reindeer food on the front lawn. And we'll drink hot chocolate and read The Night Before Christmas, maybe watch The Polar Express or some other Christmas movie. And maybe we'll even open one small present, just like I did when I was a kid.
Because that's what Christmas is all about. Spending time with people who love you all year long, laughing and enjoying each other's company...there's no room for ridiculously high expectations, disillusionment or disappointment here. I'm going to create that perfect family holiday that my sister craved so much but with a twist. I guess "perfect" is in the eye of the beholder. Hanging out with family, laughing and being silly, drinking hot chocolate (possibly with a little Jameson's in it)...sounds pretty perfect to me. And there's no room for guilt in that.
I can't honestly say I have a lot of memories of my childhood Christmases. I can remember a few when we still lived in town so I was pretty young. I remember we got one big present and several smaller ones and we got to open one of the small ones on Christmas Eve. I always loved that. I don't remember a lot of holiday traditions although I'm sure we had some. By the time I was old enough to really start remembering the holidays, my brother was already getting into serious trouble with the law so I'm sure my mom was either crying or holding back tears...it always broke my heart to see her like that knowing I couldn't fix it...not exactly a joyous occasion. By the time I was a teenager, I'd buried two grandparents, an uncle and my brother. My oldest niece was only nine at the time her dad (my brother) died. Needless to say, holidays were forever altered at that point. I remember my mom always looking a bit numb which was exactly how I felt too. My sister tried to force everyone in the family to come together and she was always disappointed because it wasn't that perfect holiday she craved. Looking back, I think she thought a normal holiday was what everyone else was having so we should have it too. But bringing bodies together wasn't going to bring Ricky back to life. I think in some way she thought we could create a happiness that wasn't attainable. My mom's only son was dead, our only brother gone. My niece's dad deceased. There was no way to turn back the clock and even if she could have, the past wasn't filled with ridiculously happy holidays either. Yet somehow she always pushed to create something that I suspect in her heart of hearts, she knew wasn't possible. I think she set herself up to fail but I'm not really sure why.
The holidays used to be about getting together with family and enjoying each others company. Today it's about how many presents you can fit on your Visa card. I have a couple of friends who belong to a huge family that gets together every year on Christmas Eve. There's no expectations about who shows up or who doesn't. No gifts are exchanged so that financial pressure is relieved. One of grownups dresses in a Santa suit and all the parents who still have little kids bring one gift for their child and slips the present into Santa's bag. Everyone drinks and dances and laughs and eats and they have a great time together. At some point Santa shows up and calls all the little kids up to sit in his lap as he pulls their gift from the bag. The whole family has a wonderful time together. They look forward to it all year and are disappointed if they can't make it. Of course there's been losses. I know off the top of my head they've lost their parents, two brothers, one nephew and several little nieces, yet they celebrate being together and move on. It seems like the perfect extended family holiday. No crazy expectations, no hurt feelings, no disappointment.
For me, as a mother, it's my goal to create happy holiday memories and traditions for my children. I've been trying since my first Christmas with my first son who came home in early December 2007 to create these wonderful traditions and it turns out they've created themselves without me even noticing. For example, for several years we've gone to a local church for their annual Christmas Cookie Walk. It was sort of a fun thing to do and we had plans to do it again this year but before I knew it, that Saturday was filled up with activities so I suggested we skip it this year. My eight year old niece let me know in no uncertain terms that we do this every year and she didn't want to miss it this year. There's a tradition. She told me yesterday that she doesn't even really want the cookies. So for her, it's about the memory..the tradition...that's something she'll hold in her heart forever.
I've been an aunt since was I eight years old and I suppose that position came with certain expectations. I always given gifts or money to my nieces and nephew even though most of them never bothered to call or text to say thanks. Most of them don't contact me throughout the year which tells me I'm not on their radar. I guess I've just been the invisible aunt who sent gifts and maybe that's okay, considering the dysfunction of our family. At least maybe it WAS okay. But most of them are grown up now. There's only a couple who are still young enough to even believe in Santa. And I don't feel like it's my job to be the invisible aunt who sends gifts anymore. They are old enough to not really expect a gift from me anymore and they're certainly old enough to say thank you if I do send one. They are old enough to send a text that says Happy Birthday or Merry Christmas. And they are old enough to acknowledge my sons with a small birthday present just as I acknowledged them and their children for their whole lives. And they are old enough to be held accountable for their actions. I don't expect them to give me a birthday or Christmas gift, but I do expect to be acknowledged for what I've given them. Maybe I'm just old fashioned but it's disrespectful to ignore someone who goes to the trouble of spending their hard-earned money on you. Honestly, it's made me feel a little bit used for several years now but I suppose that's not really fair either. They aren't using me. They aren't demanding gifts from me. It's been completely one-way. Me giving to them. So in reality it's my fault. I never should have allowed myself to get in this position. I'm not even sure how it happened. It's not like I grew up with extended family showering me with gifts. I had ten aunts and uncles..never got gifts from them...didn't expect them. Only one aunt gave me gifts and she and I were really close. So how did I get in this position with family that I don't even talk to all year long? Somehow I must have started this ball rolling, but how? And why? It's completely unnecessary so what happened? They obviously don't expect anything from me and they aren't really interested in a relationship with me either. So why do I feel used and resentful if I give them something this year and a little bit guilty if I don't? What does that mean? I am trying to raise my sons to be respectful and thankful so what message am I sending them if I give money to relatives who don't even acknowledge me or my children...ever? And for that matter, what message am I sending my nieces and nephew? That's it's okay to accept a gift from someone that you don't even care about? That a simple "thank you" isn't necessary anymore? Or maybe they think I'm trying to buy their attention? None of these are messages I want to be sending to them or especially to my children. And you know what, I'm not sending this message to myself anymore either. I deserve to treated with respect and if someone isn't willing to do that...well then maybe we need to be distant relatives.
Is this why the holidays are so crappy for so many people? Because they are filled with land mines of expectations ...guaranteed to blow up in your face?
So I'm starting new traditions this year...traditions that work better for me and my family. I am focusing my attention on the people who are part of my life, the people who are involved in my life, who treat me with respect. That includes a few family members and some real friends who are as close to me as family. I talk to them often even if they live in another state. These are the people who show up. These are the people who know what's going on in my life, who know me and my children. These are the people who would do anything for me. These people are my family. These are who I am focusing on and who are focusing on me.
So this year, on Christmas Eve, new traditions will be born! (hopefully)...we are going to make more reindeer food because Santa didn't send nearly enough in his letters to the boys. Then of course we have to sprinkle the reindeer food on the front lawn. And we'll drink hot chocolate and read The Night Before Christmas, maybe watch The Polar Express or some other Christmas movie. And maybe we'll even open one small present, just like I did when I was a kid.
Because that's what Christmas is all about. Spending time with people who love you all year long, laughing and enjoying each other's company...there's no room for ridiculously high expectations, disillusionment or disappointment here. I'm going to create that perfect family holiday that my sister craved so much but with a twist. I guess "perfect" is in the eye of the beholder. Hanging out with family, laughing and being silly, drinking hot chocolate (possibly with a little Jameson's in it)...sounds pretty perfect to me. And there's no room for guilt in that.
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