So here we go...my final official resolution for New Year's 2012...I say official because I have lots of little changes I'm working on...just a little tweak here and there to ramp up my life a bit but this last one is by far the biggest and the hardest to accomplish. It's hardest because in order for it to be a real success, it will take the commitment of my whole family. I'm sure if I asked them right now, at this very moment, they would probably say sure, no problem-o but I doubt they'd truly be committed. It's easy to yes to anything but when it's time to stand behind your conviction, most people fold. And once again, I'm asking them to go against a lifetime of learned teachings....that's a lot to ask of anyone, especially when it's not their idea to begin with.
But still I plan to commit to this resolution and I'm asking my family who reads this blog to commit to it also but I don't know if they will or not. I know it will be tough at times, but I truly believe we'll all be better off for it. I'm asking my family to commit to fight with each other, to argue and disagree. I know that sounds crazy, but our family has no idea how to do that. We just don't do it. Sometimes one of us gets our feelings hurt or we disagree with someone else, but we never tell the other person. Most likely we vent to a third family member so the message eventually gets back to the original party, but even then, it's not addressed. I'm not talking about confrontations or knock-down-drag-outs. We know how to do those. I'm talking about disagreements, about "hey that really hurt my feelings when you said (fill in the blank here)" or "I think that's a really bad idea" or even an "it's my life and I'm going to live it exactly the way I want to". Hell I'd even take an "I know you don't agree, but I'm not asking for advice."
I know it sounds crazy to ask for arguing but our family doesn't know how and if we ever want to have a normal family relationship, it means we have to be willing to commit to share ALL our feelings and emotions. We can't ask for "normal" on holidays if we aren't normal with each other the other 360 days of the year.
I'll give you an example of what I'm taking about using myself and my niece, who most of you know. She and I have already discussed this situation--a fact I'm very proud of considering we never do that--so I'm not divulging any family secrets here. In a recent blog I mentioned no longer wanting to be the invisible aunt who sends presents and money to my nieces and nephew at Christmas and birthdays. I told her about my plan, face-to-face, and she seemed to be fine with it. I realize looking back that my desire for her to be "okay" with it was just a typical dysfunctional desire to not upset her or hurt her feelings even though it really had nothing to do with her and her feelings shouldn't have even factored in to it. But that's not my point. Anyway, so I told her face-to-face and she seemed fine with it. Then a week or so later, she sent me a text to tell me that her brother decided to spend Christmas with her and she wanted to know what to do about Christmas Eve. We had originally planned to get together, share a few fun traditions and exchange gifts. She was concerned because I had said I wasn't going to be getting my nephew a present anymore and she felt he would feel uncomfortable. Personally I think she was the only one who would have felt uncomfortable--a fact I've already mentioned to her--but I gave her several options and then told her to do whatever she wanted to do. She choose to cancel Christmas Eve. She did it to avoid the possibility of some discomfort but in the process she robbed her sister and daughter, along with my two sons and myself, of spending the holiday together. She also removed the chance for my nephew and I to get to know each other a little better. Not a life alternating choice, but one she made for all of us. But that's not the real issue.
Here's where the problem really lies. After she decided to cancel Christmas Eve, she called my mom to vent. Apparently she said some really mean things--something we all do, including myself, from time-to-time when we are venting. Then when my mom wasn't able to reason with her, she went to her ex-husband and read my blog to him. I'm not sure if she was hoping he would agree with her or why she went to him, but she did. According to her, he was able to make her see my point of view and she actually felt bad enough about her venting that she called both my mom and me to apologize.....I think a little piece of Hell might have frozen over that night because she NEVER apologizes. I am very proud of her for that.
Here's where my real issue lies....somehow I hurt her feelings. I'm not really sure how I did that because it absolutely was not my intent yet somehow I did. She chose to vent to my mom which then pulled an innocent third party into the mix--not really fair to do that. My mom tried to convince her to discuss it with me but she said I would just get mad. First of all, I think that's a cop-out. I get accused of potentially getting mad a lot more than I really do. Second, so what if I get mad? She has a right to feel upset and I have a right to get angry. That's "normal"...something I thought we were shooting for. Then there's the issue of discussing it with her ex-husband. She says he made her see my point-of-view. I don't like that one bit and not because she chose to go to her ex. It's her life, her choice and her consequences-- (see resolution #3b for my point of view on this). It bugs me because she chose to go to someone else to get my point-of-view instead of coming to me--the source. While I'm glad he was able to make her feel better, it doesn't mean he told her my point-of-view because he doesn't know it. By going to him and to my mom, she robbed me of the chance to explain myself. I thought I made my point perfectly clear but obviously I didn't. Had she come to me, it would have given me an opportunity to grow into a better communicator, something that's very important to me. It also would have given her the chance to learn how to read and understand others better so she would have grown from the experience also. And it would have given us both the opportunity to realize that just because you don't agree with someone doesn't mean they don't have the right to feel the way they do about it. And it doesn't change how much you love them. But instead an argument was avoided, just like always. Status quo. That's just one example and believe me I could come up with dozens more involving all of us. I just made myself and my niece the scapegoats for this particular blog. And I've been just as guilty as the rest of my family so don't think I'm acting like an innocent victim here. I can always give just as good as I get....or better. And don't think I'm trying to say my niece handled this all wrong. She did what we always do. She handled it very predictably because this is how my family handles disagreements. This is no one's "fault". It's all our fault I guess. It's our family dynamics and no one has ever tried to change it....until now.
My point in making this resolution is I want "normal" too. I want the chance to be a better family. Hell, I want the chance to just be a family, PERIOD. It's never going to happen if we don't agree to be honest with each other. We have to agree to argue and disagree--face-to-face, no damn texting-- be mad at each other for a day or two and then agree to sit down and work it out. That's normal....so that's what I'm shooting for this year. You can't have rainbows without a little rain.
THE END...Happy New Year to everyone and may 2012 bring you more happiness than you know what to do with!
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