In the meantime, my brain is working overtime. Reflecting, searching, seeking. Who, what, where and why? All questions I've asked myself and am in the process of answering. I look back over my professional life. It seems so foreign to me.
So here I am, in the middle of my life and standing at that damn fork-in-the-road again. One direction takes me back to a life I don't want, but is familiar. A life that makes single motherhood somewhat easier because I know how to do it. The other direction is filled with new adventure and excitement, the life I believe I've always wanted. But it also requires incredible sacrifice by both myself and my sons. So what do I do? If it was just me, the answer would be easy but I have my kids to think of. They are too little to understand what I'm asking of them.... is that fair?
I've spent several days...weeks actually, mulling over my choice. I'm talking to the voices in my head for so many hours, we are all exhausted. Truthfully, I'm tired of thinking about it because my heart is pulling me one way while logic dictates I should go the other. To add fuel to my already raging fire, a dear, dear friend was recently diagnosed with Lou Gehrig's disease. He's in the prime of his life and has been told he's got no more than 3-5 years at best. I found out about his diagnosis only hours after he did, even before he told his son. Even though he was still in the depth of shock and despair, he told me he has no regrets. He's actually lived a life he's proud of.... It's taken a while for that to sink in. I can't imagine suddenly getting a fatal diagnosis...knowing with absolute certainty that the remainder of my life will be lived without quality, filled with pain and sadness. I can't relate to something so difficult because I've never experienced it. On top of that, I can't relate to having no regrets. I have many, more than I count. But is it too late to change that? Is it ever too late to follow your heart? I've read stories of little old people who are eighty or ninety years old who've gone back to school for that longed for diploma or degree. Always I've a felt a surge of happiness for their gumption and spunk....so why not me? Do I have gumption? Can I find enough spunk? Yes, I can be adventurous but am I an explorer? Can I do it? Is it too late to change course now?
Heart or head? Logic or longing? What's it to be? It's not a new question so the answer has been there all along. All these years, my gut...those voices in my noggin...like a lighthouse in the darkness, they've been leading me home. And even when I turned away from the safety of it's harbor, the distant light has prevented me from running aground or breaking up on the craggy rocks hiding just below the surface of those shark-infested waters I hated so much. That glimmer of shining light has helped to keep me safe until I was ready to finally set course for home. And now is the time...I'm turning for home. As difficult as this new adventure seems, the thought of going back to my old life is worse. I can't go back. I physically, mentally and emotionally, can't go back. Yes, I'm facing several years of sacrifice, but it's time to be who I've longed to be for....well, forever.
So in case you're wondering what this new course is.......
I am planning and preparing my life to go to law school. Human rights, immigration, Native American or International...I don't know exactly which one yet, but for the first time in my life, I feel like I'm heading home.
Feel free to leave comments, voice your concerns, or cheer me on.
