I am NOT depressed, damn it!!!!

So for the second time this summer, my mom has asked me if I am depressed.  Both times she really caught me off guard.  I know what depression feels like.....I've been there and done that a couple of times in my life so I'm not exaggerating when I say I'm probably the happiest I've ever been, or at least the happiest I've been in a long, long time.  I mean, I just left a job I'd held for eight years which was a completely wrong fit for me and my personality.  How could anyone think I'm depressed now?  Am I not conveying my happiness?  Do I not exude an air of contentment? I'm getting to spend the summer with my boys and live completely in the moment...exactly what I've been wanting to do....so how can anyone think I'm not happy?  And if my mom thinks it, do others think this too? 

It turns out her concerns mostly center around my blog.  She feels my soul-searching may be a sign of feeling lost, especially considering what a difficult year it's been for my family.  Strangely, no one else has mentioned this....at least not to me.  All the comments I've gotten have been positive, or at least I interpreted them that way.

So I'd like to take this opportunity to say two things.  First of all, if anyone reading this thinks I'm depressed, then please don't stand quietly by and watch me drown.  Throw me a damn lifeline for God's sake!  Second, I AM NOT DEPRESSED!!!!!  Nope, nada, zip-o...no depression in me....nothing to see here, so move along folks!  What I'm doing for the first time in my life is sharing my thoughts, my brain, my ideas, my questions, my wonders of the Universe.  I have always been a physical manifestation of the old saying "Still waters run deep".  I have always been extremely private, carefully hand-picking each thought, feeling or emotion I let bubble to the surface, usually choosing ones that created the least amount of rippling.  It was just part of my survival technique.  I told people what I wanted them to know, when I wanted them to know it and nothing more.  It wasn't that I didn't "think deep"....I just kept it to myself.

But after all that's happened in my life and thanks to my midlife revelation, I've chosen not to hide anymore.  I'm using this blog to share my thoughts, feelings and emotions.  It's not new for me to think this way or have these questions.  It's just new for me to share them so openly.  I've always searched my soul, trying to learn from my past and the mistakes of others.  It's not new for me to explore eastern religions.  I've had a deep love and respect of Buddhism for over twenty years.  I've just been selective about who I share it with.  It's not because I'm ashamed of the direction of my life but I know many Christians are very uncomfortable with religions outside their knowledge.  Some might even call it voodoo and that's okay for them, but for me, I dig it.  I always have and I suspect I always will.  Give me the opportunity to meet Jesus or Buddha and I'm going with the B-man.  And don't even get me started on how I feel about the Dalai Lama....he rocks!  

This blog isn't the enthusiastic ramblings of the newly converted.  I'm just finally giving you a peek behind the curtain.  You are witnessing the inner workings of my day-to-day mental journey, riding my brainwaves so-to-speak.  Nothing more~nothing less.  My brain simply fires differently than most people I know.  I just don't fit easily into the world I inhabit.  I have friends who love going to silly movies and playing board games but for me, that's a huge waste of my time.  It certainly doesn't mean there's anything wrong with it....it just means my brain isn't interested in light entertainment.  There are many times when I wish I could enjoy these things and honestly I have given it the ol' college-try but it just isn't me. 

I'm not trying to imply that I'm smarter than anyone else or that I think at a deeper level.  But I do think it's safe to say I probably think deeper thoughts on a more consistent basis than most people.  In other words, these aren't fleeting thoughts for me.  My brain is consumed with these sort of ideas ALL THE TIME.  Yes, still water does run deep and it has one hell of an undertow.  So don't let my ramblings drag you under.  Just swim at your own risk because there's no lifeguard on duty here.

No, I am not depressed.  I've simply turned over a new leaf and I'm not looking back.  The old me was extremely private and introspective.  The new me is an open book.  I'm communicating my thoughts from now on.....good, bad and ugly.  If anyone out there has questions, concerns or suggestions for my life, feel free to share them with me.  Just remember one thing.  I'll gladly listen but I may not accept your advice.....because even with the turning of a new leaf, I still don't let anybody tell me what to do.  No one , no how....No-Bah-DEE! 

hindsight is 20/20

They say hindsight is 20/20.  We’ve all heard this saying, probably even used it to justify one of our own errors in judgement.  Bad decisions need blame and blame needs justifying.  Basically, the school of thought is if I’m taking the blame then I’m softening it with a healthy dose of justification first.  But let the record show hindsight is NOT 20/20, at least not from where I’m standing.  In fact, hindsight is actually blind.  Let me explain....

The theory that hindsight is 20/20 is based on a few simple assumptions.

  1-One choice offers a positive outcome, the other a negative one.

2-If the option you choose turned out badly, then the alternative path was guaranteed to have offered a positive outcome.

3-There can be only one right choice.

Based on these statements, it’s easy to prove hindsight is not 20/20 because none of it’s founding assumptions are correct 100% of the time.  For example, the first assumption states that one option is good and the other bad.  But that’s not always the case.  You might be standing at a crossroads trying to decide if you should accept a job offer for an IT position in California or London when in reality you shouldn’t be working in the IT field at all because your true gift is in the kitchen and you should be studying at some world class cooking academy.  Or maybe IT is your gig and it doesn’t matter if you work in Cali or London because you’re going to carve out a great life either way.  Life is not made on only black or white decisions....there are thousands of shades of gray.

The second assumption guarantees a positive outcome if you choose correctly but guarantees can only be offered with knowledge.  If you were a lab tech observing a rat in a maze, you could safely guarantee the mouse that path A ends abruptly at a wall and choosing path B will offer a life-or-death encounter with a baited trap.  Because you can see the outcome of every possible decision before the animal enters the maze, you can guarantee only path C offers the possibility of being rewarded with a piece of cheese at the end of its journey.  Only with complete knowledge of past, present and future events can “guarantees” be offered.  We all seem to make assumptions with no knowledge, guaranteeing ourselves that if we had only chosen the other path, everything would have turned out so much better.  But in reality we have no way of knowing for sure.  Even if the chosen path ends badly, it doesn’t mean the other path wouldn’t have been even worse.  We’ll never know if we chose the lesser of two evils or not because we aren’t looking down at the maze.

Lastly and probably most importantly, the final assumption states there can be only one right choice.  This rule forces us to make judgements of our lives, a technique taught to us as children.  During my parents generation, children were told they were good or bad, depending on their actions.  The lesson is now taught in a more politically correct manner using the labels of good or bad choices instead of good or bad children.  As we age, decisions develop more depth and begin to focus on the future instead of the present moment.  We begin taking “college prep” classes and weighing our choices by how they will affect our future.  Each choice we make takes on a life of it’s own with enough power to singlehandedly make or break the balance of our life.  Is it really possible that taking a break from studying for your SAT’s for one night to watch your high school football team compete for the district championship will cost you your acceptance into an Ivy League college?  Does graduating from a state college instead of Harvard guarantee you a mediocre career?  Is it not possible to work your butt off and still become the darling of Wall Street, no matter which college you attended?  Are only Ivy League grads guaranteed stellar lives?  Does every decision from preschool to the grave have to carry the weight of our world on it?  Is it not possible to trip, recover and continue on?  Can we not make all the right choices but decide to change our destination mid-trek and still find Nirvana? 

And so I ask.... if hindsight is not 20/20, and it clearly is not, then why do we spend so much time looking back?

world peace and a pedicure......

Every year my friends and family ask me what I want for my birthday or Christmas and every year I say the same thing...world peace and a pedicure....a response which drives most of them crazy.  They try to jump on board as much as humanly possible, but it still makes them crazy.  Being good little American consumers, they whole-heartedly believe gift giving celebrations require an actual gift to be given.  My mom has creatively fulfilled my request during the last three or four Christmases.  Each year I find a sealed envelope buried in the branches of my decorated Christmas tree with a letter inside explaining in detail a few of the charities or good causes she has donated to over the last twelve months.  The entrees on the list spam the gamut from a typical charitable donation to clothing and household gifts given to a local family who lost everything when their house burned to the ground one cold, wintery night.  Always the letter makes me feel blessed to have such a generous parent.  And then there was the time several of my friends took me out to dinner and made a generous donation to one of my favorite Guatemalan charities.  Great food, fun company and a helping hand...what's not to love about that.  But most of the time, my simple request goes unanswered, simply ignored with an eye roll and a grunt of disgust.  And then their addiction to consumerism kicks in and I usually end up with some earrings, which I always love, maybe a picture frame or two and some chotskies.  Always great gifts....always things that match my taste well.....and always stuff.  


So going forward, I'm making this declaration.  No more stuff.  I want nothing that requires gift wrap and a bow.  Worst case, I get nothing bigger than an envelope and it better not contain a gift card....we all know how those things end up.  And for that matter, I can buy my own damn pedicures.  No, going forward, I will settle for nothing less than world peace.  I know it seems a daunting task, I mean, many have tried and failed.  There's the Dalai Lama, Mahatma Gandhi, Buddha, Mother Teresa and even a man named Jesus, just to name a few.  If they failed, what chance do we really have at changing the world for the better?  But on closer inspection I wonder, did they really fail?  Everything I've read implies they touched the lives of those around them.  They left indelible marks on humankind.  Isn't that world peace?  Or at least a piece of peace?  Isn't that the goal?  If we touch the lives around us, doesn't world peace have no choice but to follow?  Maybe we're not chipping away at anarchy or disdain, but why not take a swing at improving our own neighborhoods?


So that's my gift request.  From now on, I want your piece of peace.  If you decorated a cloth square to be stitched into a quilt and given to a homeless child in Haiti, that's a piece of peace.  If you're in the grocery store and you see a mother who's obviously having trouble making ends meet and you quietly slip a $20 bill into her purse, that's a piece of peace.  If you drive passed a lost kitten and take the time to bring it home for a bath and food before dropping it off at a no-kill shelter, that's a piece of peace.  If you make cookies for your old lady neighbor who annoys you on a daily basis because she allows her yappy little dog to use your front yard as a bathroom, that's a piece of peace.  None of these actions may bring peace to the middle east, but it's a start.  You never know how your one act of kindness affects humankind....or how it will affect you.  Just a piece of peace.  One size fits all and no shopping required.  
  

living without regret.....

I've taken some pretty profound risks in my life.  I took custody of my 11 year old niece when I was in my twenties and still growing  up myself.  I quit college and then went back.  Quit again and went back again.  Quit a third time and then finally finished in night school.  Working full-time and tripping through motherhood of my teenage niece apparently wasn't enough so I decided to continue on until I had my masters.  I've bungee jumped and ran toward a grizzly bear.  I’ve agreed to climb Mt Everest.  I changed jobs to travel the country even though I’d barely left my home state at the time.  I traveled the adoption road as a potential single mom of one child and when the going got really tough, I suddenly decided to adopt a second one.  I left a six-figure income behind with no obvious source of income on the horizon.  

When asked how I have the guts to make such life-altering changes, I've always fallen back on my conviction that when I lay dying on my deathbed, I will not look back and say, "God I wish I would have....."  The mantra I've lived by is to live life and die with no regrets.  It's a good mantra, maybe even a great one....but only if it’s  true.

My quest for inner peace has been a long and complicated path to this moment.  As I look back at the compartmentalized areas of my life, I realize now how much of it has been based on falsehoods.  Not actual false truths, but delusions nevertheless.  My family dynamics were, and to some degrees still are, built on a delicate web of intricately woven illusions.  Like world-class magicians, we are all skilled in the deceptive art of making something appear out of thin air or convincing our audience that one thing is something entirely different.  The age-old art of “keeping up appearances” has been lovingly passed down from one generation to the next like an heirloom quilt and to complicate matters even more, lying just beneath the surface of this delicate web is another layer of deception.  The top layer is shared with the outer world but beneath that lies the internal dynamics--the working structure of our family bonds.  Not only is our familial architecture built on the delusion of normalcy, but internally we interact with each other in nearly an identical manner.  Not even within the safety of our family unit do we ever let our guards down~seldom do we share our pain or express our sadness.  We don’t even admit our disappointment.  We are the poster children for keeping the proverbial stiff upper lip.

All this tiptoeing around didn’t make for an honest life, even to myself.  Instead I became an outgoing child who kept all my thoughts to my self.  I didn’t share the good or the bad.  Eventually I didn’t even allow myself to entertain some thoughts.  Like driving the dirt roads to my grandmother’s house, I knew what I’d find at the end of the journey so there was no need to travel it over and over again.  

As my life progressed forward, I carefully choose paths I could succeed in and traveled those roads with single-minded intent.  I ignored opportunities for a normal personal life and choose instead to excel professionally.  While there’s no shame in creating a strong career path, it’s detrimental to your overall well being to focus all attention on one area of your life while purposely avoiding development in other areas---especially for the reasons I did it.

Looking back on my life from the 50,000 foot level, it’s easy to recognize the few times I attempted to create a balanced life and why my plan always fell apart so quickly.  Like watching a short clip from my favorite movie, I see myself tiptoeing to the edge of life and gently dipping my toes in.  Yet nearly each time, before I’m even ankle deep, I turn and run screaming back to the safety of my comfort zone like I’ve just survived a brush with death.  Once I've regained my composure, I hold a press conference to explain and justify why I didn’t succeed on my journey.  I’m a very successful person so if I fail, there must be a logical reason.  I explain how I’m a martyr~I’m taking one for the team because it’s in everyone’s best interest to keep innocent bystanders away from the dysfunction of my life.  To become involved with someone and force my life onto him is paramount to kidnapping and assault.  No one deserves being sent into a war zone without armor and since I can only carry enough gear to protect myself, I can’t be responsible for pulling an unarmed man into a gun fight.  I tried it a couple of times but it never turned out well for the unarmed guy and getting him back to safety nearly cost me my own life. So like I said, I’m a martyr.

I realize now what a valiant life I’ve lived.  I’m a giver, a real trooper.  I’ve sacrificed my own well being for the greater good.  There should be some sort of medal awarded to me at the end of all this.  It’s a great story, could be a Hollywood movie...if only it held water.  It only holds true looking down from the safety of my 50,000 foot ledge.  Climb down into the trenches and holes begin to emerge.  Everything starts to unravel when I realize how much emphasis I placed on my brother and sisters addictions.  I gave their story most of my power in life.  Even though we were a typical middle-class American family, their addictions made me feel like white trash.  And if I felt it, it must be true.  And if it was true, then everyone else would believe it too.  And if everyone else believed it, then I’d be labeled as white trash and like any good caste system, I’d never be able to move up the ladder again.  But while these voices in my head were pounding me with fear and doubt, I clung tightly to a couple of saving graces.  First of all, even though I never thought of my brother and sister as half-siblings, technically they were and that gave us different last names.  Different last names meant I wasn’t immediately labeled by outsiders because most didn’t make the connection.  Second, the age difference between us was significant which kept most people in our small town from putting two and two together.  And lastly, I bound my safety net together with my web of “keeping up appearances.”  These three things meant I could keep my status as middle class American as long as no one blew my cover.  So as long as I never brought anyone behind the curtain, no one would ever know the wizard was actually me....just a scared, confused little girl who grew up to be a cautious, broken woman.  

My journey toward inner peace and living in the present moment leaves me no choice but to descend from the safety of my 50,000 foot perch into the bowels of reality.  It no longer serves me to just treat the symptoms of my chaotic past.  In order to heal, I must acknowledge the sickness.  I must admit to myself and to the world that my brother and sister were not the only addicts in my family.  I, too, am an addict.  While my drug of choice isn’t alcohol or pills, not even sex or gambling, it is a drug nevertheless.  I am addicted to the story.  I have altered the course of my life because of their addictions until it simply became the reality of life.  The definition of addiction is the state of being enslaved to a habit or practice or to something that is psychologically or physically habit-forming.  I have enslaved myself to my limiting beliefs and it is psychologically habit forming.

I have lived for forty years silently blaming their addictions for the areas of my life where growth is stunted or nonexistent.  I placed all the blame on them.  Yet where my life was successful, I never gave them the credit.  If they had so much power over my life that their addictions could harm my well being, then wouldn’t that mean they also deserved the credit for anything good in my life?  Power is all encompassing so if I hand over my power, it’s all or nothing.  When an electric company sends power through a line, it’s either hot or it’s not.

At this point I no longer need the assistance of a microscope to examine my life.  It’s obvious to anyone looking that I never gave away my power.  I pointed my finger and placed blame, but it was just a bluff.  The power never left my control.  I just waved my wand and said the magic words and before I knew it, an altered reality appeared.  And I stepped behind the curtain....

As Oprah says, “Once you know better, you do better.”  So now I know better....

in sync with the Universe???

So once I made the decision to live in the present...to pay attention to the moment, it suddenly became easier.  Not easy, but definitely easier.  And the strangest thing, it seems as if the Universe is in cahoots with my goal.  In the past few days, I seem to be getting signs everywhere....in inspirational emails, in discussions on talk shows, in the words on a passing billboard.  It seems the Universe is assisting me on my quest....or maybe I'm just starting to pay attention.  Sort of like when you're thinking about buying a new car and once you decide on one model, they suddenly appear everywhere.  Maybe I've finally decided on my life model and suddenly the answer is appearing everywhere.


To assist me in my pursuit of focus, I've been drawing mandalas.  Actually I've been coloring them with markers and it has helped some, but not enough.  Probably because I spent many hours of my childhood drawing and coloring, I'm pretty good at keeping one eye on my project and another on the world around me.  Even so, it's felt good to create something beautiful again, even if simplistic.  I'm considering buying the chak-pur tools used by Buddhist monks to create mandalas with colored sand.  I have no doubt this technique will demand my full attention and push me farther down the path of peace and enlightenment.  Sometimes it's the simply things that offer the most value.