I am NOT depressed, damn it!!!!

So for the second time this summer, my mom has asked me if I am depressed.  Both times she really caught me off guard.  I know what depression feels like.....I've been there and done that a couple of times in my life so I'm not exaggerating when I say I'm probably the happiest I've ever been, or at least the happiest I've been in a long, long time.  I mean, I just left a job I'd held for eight years which was a completely wrong fit for me and my personality.  How could anyone think I'm depressed now?  Am I not conveying my happiness?  Do I not exude an air of contentment? I'm getting to spend the summer with my boys and live completely in the moment...exactly what I've been wanting to do....so how can anyone think I'm not happy?  And if my mom thinks it, do others think this too? 

It turns out her concerns mostly center around my blog.  She feels my soul-searching may be a sign of feeling lost, especially considering what a difficult year it's been for my family.  Strangely, no one else has mentioned this....at least not to me.  All the comments I've gotten have been positive, or at least I interpreted them that way.

So I'd like to take this opportunity to say two things.  First of all, if anyone reading this thinks I'm depressed, then please don't stand quietly by and watch me drown.  Throw me a damn lifeline for God's sake!  Second, I AM NOT DEPRESSED!!!!!  Nope, nada, zip-o...no depression in me....nothing to see here, so move along folks!  What I'm doing for the first time in my life is sharing my thoughts, my brain, my ideas, my questions, my wonders of the Universe.  I have always been a physical manifestation of the old saying "Still waters run deep".  I have always been extremely private, carefully hand-picking each thought, feeling or emotion I let bubble to the surface, usually choosing ones that created the least amount of rippling.  It was just part of my survival technique.  I told people what I wanted them to know, when I wanted them to know it and nothing more.  It wasn't that I didn't "think deep"....I just kept it to myself.

But after all that's happened in my life and thanks to my midlife revelation, I've chosen not to hide anymore.  I'm using this blog to share my thoughts, feelings and emotions.  It's not new for me to think this way or have these questions.  It's just new for me to share them so openly.  I've always searched my soul, trying to learn from my past and the mistakes of others.  It's not new for me to explore eastern religions.  I've had a deep love and respect of Buddhism for over twenty years.  I've just been selective about who I share it with.  It's not because I'm ashamed of the direction of my life but I know many Christians are very uncomfortable with religions outside their knowledge.  Some might even call it voodoo and that's okay for them, but for me, I dig it.  I always have and I suspect I always will.  Give me the opportunity to meet Jesus or Buddha and I'm going with the B-man.  And don't even get me started on how I feel about the Dalai Lama....he rocks!  

This blog isn't the enthusiastic ramblings of the newly converted.  I'm just finally giving you a peek behind the curtain.  You are witnessing the inner workings of my day-to-day mental journey, riding my brainwaves so-to-speak.  Nothing more~nothing less.  My brain simply fires differently than most people I know.  I just don't fit easily into the world I inhabit.  I have friends who love going to silly movies and playing board games but for me, that's a huge waste of my time.  It certainly doesn't mean there's anything wrong with it....it just means my brain isn't interested in light entertainment.  There are many times when I wish I could enjoy these things and honestly I have given it the ol' college-try but it just isn't me. 

I'm not trying to imply that I'm smarter than anyone else or that I think at a deeper level.  But I do think it's safe to say I probably think deeper thoughts on a more consistent basis than most people.  In other words, these aren't fleeting thoughts for me.  My brain is consumed with these sort of ideas ALL THE TIME.  Yes, still water does run deep and it has one hell of an undertow.  So don't let my ramblings drag you under.  Just swim at your own risk because there's no lifeguard on duty here.

No, I am not depressed.  I've simply turned over a new leaf and I'm not looking back.  The old me was extremely private and introspective.  The new me is an open book.  I'm communicating my thoughts from now on.....good, bad and ugly.  If anyone out there has questions, concerns or suggestions for my life, feel free to share them with me.  Just remember one thing.  I'll gladly listen but I may not accept your advice.....because even with the turning of a new leaf, I still don't let anybody tell me what to do.  No one , no how....No-Bah-DEE!