Saving the best for last.....

So here we go...my final official resolution for New Year's 2012...I say official because I have lots of little changes I'm working on...just a little tweak here and there to ramp up my life a bit but this last one is by far the biggest and the hardest to accomplish. It's hardest because in order for it to be a real success, it will take the commitment of my whole family. I'm sure if I asked them right now, at this very moment, they would probably say sure, no problem-o but I doubt they'd truly be committed. It's easy to yes to anything but when it's time to stand behind your conviction, most people fold. And once again, I'm asking them to go against a lifetime of learned teachings....that's a lot to ask of anyone, especially when it's not their idea to begin with.


But still I plan to commit to this resolution and I'm asking my family who reads this blog to commit to it also but I don't know if they will or not. I know it will be tough at times, but I truly believe we'll all be better off for it. I'm asking my family to commit to fight with each other, to argue and disagree. I know that sounds crazy, but our family has no idea how to do that. We just don't do it. Sometimes one of us gets our feelings hurt or we disagree with someone else, but we never tell the other person. Most likely we vent to a third family member so the message eventually gets back to the original party, but even then, it's not addressed. I'm not talking about confrontations or knock-down-drag-outs. We know how to do those. I'm talking about disagreements, about "hey that really hurt my feelings when you said (fill in the blank here)" or "I think that's a really bad idea" or even an "it's my life and I'm going to live it exactly the way I want to". Hell I'd even take an "I know you don't agree, but I'm not asking for advice."


I know it sounds crazy to ask for arguing but our family doesn't know how and if we ever want to have a normal family relationship, it means we have to be willing to commit to share ALL our feelings and emotions. We can't ask for "normal" on holidays if we aren't normal with each other the other 360 days of the year.


I'll give you an example of what I'm taking about using myself and my niece, who most of you know. She and I have already discussed this situation--a fact I'm very proud of considering we never do that--so I'm not divulging any family secrets here. In a recent blog I mentioned no longer wanting to be the invisible aunt who sends presents and money to my nieces and nephew at Christmas and birthdays. I told her about my plan, face-to-face, and she seemed to be fine with it. I realize looking back that my desire for her to be "okay" with it was just a typical dysfunctional desire to not upset her or hurt her feelings even though it really had nothing to do with her and her feelings shouldn't have even factored in to it. But that's not my point. Anyway, so I told her face-to-face and she seemed fine with it. Then a week or so later, she sent me a text to tell me that her brother decided to spend Christmas with her and she wanted to know what to do about Christmas Eve. We had originally planned to get together, share a few fun traditions and exchange gifts. She was concerned because I had said I wasn't going to be getting my nephew a present anymore and she felt he would feel uncomfortable. Personally I think she was the only one who would have felt uncomfortable--a fact I've already mentioned to her--but I gave her several options and then told her to do whatever she wanted to do. She choose to cancel Christmas Eve. She did it to avoid the possibility of some discomfort but in the process she robbed her sister and daughter, along with my two sons and myself, of spending the holiday together. She also removed the chance for my nephew and I to get to know each other a little better. Not a life alternating choice, but one she made for all of us. But that's not the real issue.


Here's where the problem really lies. After she decided to cancel Christmas Eve, she called my mom to vent. Apparently she said some really mean things--something we all do, including myself, from time-to-time when we are venting. Then when my mom wasn't able to reason with her, she went to her ex-husband and read my blog to him. I'm not sure if she was hoping he would agree with her or why she went to him, but she did. According to her, he was able to make her see my point of view and she actually felt bad enough about her venting that she called both my mom and me to apologize.....I think a little piece of Hell might have frozen over that night because she NEVER apologizes. I am very proud of her for that.


Here's where my real issue lies....somehow I hurt her feelings. I'm not really sure how I did that because it absolutely was not my intent yet somehow I did. She chose to vent to my mom which then pulled an innocent third party into the mix--not really fair to do that. My mom tried to convince her to discuss it with me but she said I would just get mad. First of all, I think that's a cop-out. I get accused of potentially getting mad a lot more than I really do. Second, so what if I get mad? She has a right to feel upset and I have a right to get angry. That's "normal"...something I thought we were shooting for. Then there's the issue of discussing it with her ex-husband. She says he made her see my point-of-view. I don't like that one bit and not because she chose to go to her ex. It's her life, her choice and her consequences-- (see resolution #3b for my point of view on this). It bugs me because she chose to go to someone else to get my point-of-view instead of coming to me--the source. While I'm glad he was able to make her feel better, it doesn't mean he told her my point-of-view because he doesn't know it. By going to him and to my mom, she robbed me of the chance to explain myself. I thought I made my point perfectly clear but obviously I didn't. Had she come to me, it would have given me an opportunity to grow into a better communicator, something that's very important to me. It also would have given her the chance to learn how to read and understand others better so she would have grown from the experience also. And it would have given us both the opportunity to realize that just because you don't agree with someone doesn't mean they don't have the right to feel the way they do about it. And it doesn't change how much you love them. But instead an argument was avoided, just like always. Status quo. That's just one example and believe me I could come up with dozens more involving all of us. I just made myself and my niece the scapegoats for this particular blog. And I've been just as guilty as the rest of my family so don't think I'm acting like an innocent victim here. I can always give just as good as I get....or better. And don't think I'm trying to say my niece handled this all wrong. She did what we always do. She handled it very predictably because this is how my family handles disagreements. This is no one's "fault". It's all our fault I guess. It's our family dynamics and no one has ever tried to change it....until now.


My point in making this resolution is I want "normal" too. I want the chance to be a better family. Hell, I want the chance to just be a family, PERIOD. It's never going to happen if we don't agree to be honest with each other. We have to agree to argue and disagree--face-to-face, no damn texting-- be mad at each other for a day or two and then agree to sit down and work it out. That's normal....so that's what I'm shooting for this year. You can't have rainbows without a little rain.


THE END...Happy New Year to everyone and may 2012 bring you more happiness than you know what to do with!

and the top two finalists are....

So I'm nearly finished with my list of resolutions, having saved the most difficult two for last. Neither of these will be easy to accomplish but are very,very...very... VERY necessary for my continued growth. Committing to these two will be extremely difficult, mostly because it will require breaking habits of a lifetime, but I am up for the challenge. So here goes....


4. Analyze and evaluate all fingers. Sounds weird, doesn't it? Maybe I should restate that... analyze and evaluate all finger-pointing. Would that make more sense? Okay, then. No explanation needed so I'll move on.......okay, okay, I'm kidding, at least about the moving on part.


I'm not sure where I heard this, but it makes such sense I'm almost embarrassed to admit I'd never thought of it before. Hold your hand out and point your index finger away from you like you're pointing at someone and saying, "he did it!" Go ahead and try it. Now look at your hand. I'm sure you know what I'm about it say, but I'll say it anyway. Have you ever noticed that when you're pointing a finger at someone, you are pointing one finger toward him/her while your three others are doubled-back and pointing at you? hummm


How many of you have ever been told that you butt heads with someone--usually a parent or child--because you're just like him/her? I think we've all heard that once or twice in our lifetime and the finger-pointing technique is simply a visual representation of that saying. They both mean that what we see in others is also present in ourselves. The good, the bad and the ugly although both are usually referencing the bad &/or ugly more often than the good. I've heard it often in reference to the stubbornness I share with my father, the attitude found in both myself and my 8-year old niece or even the cheeky lip service of my son. But recently it's dawned on me that this saying extends beyond a shared gene pool.  Let me explain....


I have analyzed the saying and applied it to several different situations in my life. My experiment unearthed an interesting fact. Whenever I noticed or commented on a trait I found undesirable in someone else, that exact same trait could be found in myself if I was willing to do a little digging in my psyche...often lying just under the surface. Obviously it can't be applied to every situation. There are times when we notice and comment on someone else such as calling them a jerk or a nosy gossip or even something much worse. It certainly doesn't mean we share every undesirable trait we notice in others. It seems to only apply when noticing these traits emits a visceral response in our heart. When our gut twists or we suddenly feel anger or disgust, that's when something is striking too close to home. You know what I'm talking about, don't you? You notice your best friend's husband is very controlling or maybe your sister thinks the whole world revolves around her. Maybe someone says or does something that hurts your feelings or maybe their sarcasm cuts a little deep. When you find yourself feeling irritated with your sister or rolling your eyes when your friend starts venting about her husband, turn the situation around and ask yourself how are you controlling or when do you think the world revolves around you. I guarantee you'll be able to find these same traits in yourself. Don't make it too complicated. I'm saying if someone bugs you, you're basically looking into a mirror and refusing to recognize your own reflection.


I know some of you are shaking your head in denial right now, but trust me, if you give this experiment a try and agree to be really honest with yourself, you'll find what I'm talking about.


I guess the whole point of this exercise is if you are willing to recognize the flaws and faults in yourself that appear so easily in others, then you can do a little soul-searching, determine where or why you acquired this negative attribute and cleanse it from your bag of tricks. I honestly believe it works. Even if your ex-boyfriend cheated on you with another woman (or many other women) and you've never cheated on anyone, I promise if you really dig, you'll find situations in the past where you cheated on someone. Maybe not sexually but you'll find relationships that you weren't really committed to even though you said you were. I guarantee you'll find variations of the same traits in yourself that make you crazy in others. Give it a try and see where it leads you.


Good grief this one was hard to write...not because it was emotionally hard, but because it was hard to explain. Hopefully it made sense and you'll get my point.


Okay, so that brings us to my final resolution....which I'm not about to start tonight...more later

And the winners are...

As mentioned in the previous entry, I've been laboring over my list of potential resolutions, weighing the pros and cons of each against my resolve. As it turns out, I've known all along which ideas would float to the top so I could have saved myself a lot of time and effort if I'd just followed my gut. But I suppose it never hurts to validate a gut reaction with a little old fashioned elbow grease.

So let's begin. Here are my resolutions for 2012 and why they made the list.....

1. Make all new mistakes. This is the resolution I've made for probably fifteen years or more and it still deserves top billing in my opinion. On the surface, it seems like a silly resolution, almost trite... to make "new" mistakes but in reality, it's the most life changing of them all. In actuality if a person could accomplish this, their life would improve exponentially each year. Think about it. Every mistake we make...every single one. Learned from, growth experienced, never to be repeated. Think about that concept for a moment. Think about how many missteps we make each year, big and small. From ignoring your child when they're wanting your undivided attention to working for a company who's ethical standards are below par. From sitting in church every Sunday and nodding in agreement with the tenants of the bible and then ignoring those same laws when you gossip about your neighbor, judge a stranger who's down on his luck or engage in "creative" tax accounting. Or on a personal level, how many times do we "tell" people how to treat us? How many times do we allow someone we love to manipulate us or walk all over us? Maybe we allow others opinions to influence our own opinions of ourselves or we refuse to learn from our mistakes so even if we break free from someone who's holding us down, we continue to attract others who treat us exactly the same way. Imagine if we could do the work to learn from that mistake and never repeat it? Imagine how much better we would be and think of the example we'd set for our children....... All these mistakes and so many more. I could go on and on and on. Obviously I've never successfully learned from every mistake I've made before making it again but that doesn't stop me from trying. Like the Holy Grail, I will forever seek the prize of this quest. So that's my first resolution...

2. Seek positive news only. Several years ago I quit watching the news or reading newspapers because I needed to eliminate some of the negativity in my life yet I hate being un-informed. Instead I choose the internet as a source for world events because I could pick and choose what stories to read and which to ignore. That seemed to work pretty well for several years but recently I've noticed a resurgence of that oppressive feeling. Maybe journalists are getting more descriptive with their story titles or I'm just getting better at reading between the lines, but scanning the titles is practically the same as reading the whole thing anymore. It's just too much. I'm sick to death of all the negative press. So I did a little research and I've found a few websites that report only positive news and I'm going to give them a try. It's amazing how many of these report the same stories but focus on the positives instead of the negatives. It sounds like such a refreshing change so I'm going to give it a try before moving to an isolated cabin in some remote part of Montana to live completely off the grid!

3. A clustered plan.  Because I'm saving the biggest and most difficult two for last and I really don't want this list of resolutions to be as long as my arm, I'm grouping a few of the simplest that require the least amount of explanation.

     3a-Focus on the present and be grateful.  No explanation needed here.

     3b-Walk my own path. An acquaintance of mine once told me that during a biking trip across China, she had a philosophical discussion with a Catholic priest who told her that it's inherently wrong to do someone else's work. The profoundness of that statement has stuck with me since the day she told it to me. I try to think about it whenever someone I care about is repeating a mistake or heading in the wrong direction (in my opinion). I try to remember that we each have our own paths to walk and lessons to learn. By not learning them the first time, we will encounter them again and again until the message is received loud and clear...(refer back to resolution #1 here). This is a tough one for me for two reasons. First I don't want my loved ones to be hurt repeatedly, even if it is because they refuse to learn from the past and second, there's a fine line between maintaining a hands-off attitude and coming across as detached and uncaring. This one's a work in progress for me since this was a resolution from New Year's 2009 that I haven't completely mastered yet. But I'm working on it.

     3c-Let myself off the hook in some areas of my life and hold myself accountable in others. Not a lot of explanation needed here...just need to work on knowing when to push and when to coast...another work in progress that may require the help of my friends. Sometimes it's easier to see from the outside looking in.

It's getting late and I'm tired of writing. Three down and two to go....but I'll save those for tomorrow.

It's that resolution time of year again...

In all honesty, I'm not really a New Year's Resolution making kinda girl. I definitely believe in making life changing decisions but I rarely restrict myself to one day a year...and I'm not a big fan of doing something when everyone else on the planet is doing it either. But, this year is different. I'm naming 2012 as the year of change, at least my personal year of change. For those of you who know me well, you probably think 2011 should hold that title but I've got bigger plans for 2012...assuming the Mayans weren't actually predicting the end of the world....as we know it. Hopefully since we've just entered the Age of Aquarius, the Mayans were predicting the downfall of corruption, corporate controlled economies and such which opens us up to enter an age of enlightenment, peace and a kinder, gentler world. If they were actually predicting Armageddon, well then my plans won't really matter in the long run anyway but I'm going to think positive and assume life won't end in slightly less than a year so I'm moving ahead with my resolution plans.



For a little background info, I googled New Year's Resolutions to see the origin of this tradition. Turns out it originated in Rome in 153 BC, developing from the worship of Janus (a mythical God with two faces). Janus was the God of beginnings, gates and doors. January was named after him and with two faces, he could look backward and forward at the same time, thus the tradition of beginning the month of January by looking back to review the previous year and forward in anticipation of the coming year began. Christianity would later take the tradition and claim it as it's own but actually a tremendous number of Christian traditions originated in Pagan rituals...a fact many Christians don't realize and those that do pretend it's fiction....but I digress. Nearly every country today has a slightly different tradition to ring in the new year and except for the U.S., most revolve around the whole household, usually involving a ritual that cleanses the house and its occupants of the negative events from the current year and a blessing for positive events in the coming year. The U.S. tradition doesn't focus on the house or its occupants. We seem to be more self-involved (a fact that should shock no one) and we usually concentrate strictly upon ourselves. We've even succeeded in taking a tradition originally steeped with deep meaning and turned it into a trivial game with little or no redeeming value. I don't know many people who put much thought into their resolution so there's a lot of vowing to losing weight, exercising more, having more patience with the kids, being more assertive at work, etc.. All valuable ideals and easy to repeat again next year when we fail to maintain this year's resolution into March...or February...or often even late January. Truthfully, we suck at these things yet we nobly try, try again.


So this year, I'm joining the resolution bandwagon in a big way. I've decided to ring in my year of change with not one resolution but several. I've been tucking ideas and ideals away for some time and now have too many resolutions to count. The only requirement to make the list was to be an idea that piqued my interest and to have teeth ... bite ... something I could sink my teeth into...a real challenge to change my life for the better. My choices of resolutions center around my inner self, digging a little deeper to make my world a better place and hopefully the world of those around me in the process. All that's left is to sort thru the list and narrow down my choices to a manageable yet challenging number. As Steve Jobs once said in his now famous speech to a group of college graduates, death is very likely the single best invention of life. It is life's change agent. It clears out the old to make way for the new. Sounds similar to the original purpose of the new year's resolution but on a make grander scale....and with harsher consequences. But since I have no plans to include death in my year of change (assuming the Mayans are on my side), I'll stick with a few life-altering resolutions instead.


So without further adieu...(insert drum roll here) ..........................................................................all will be revealed....in my next blog entry.

freedom = reflection....

My sons left this morning to spend a few days with my parents on the farm. I'm not going to lie...as soon as the door closed, I danced a little gig and let out a loud "hootie-hoo!" I love my kids dearly but boy do I miss my alone time...my adult time...my freedom to do whatever, whenever and however I want. The next few days are going to be about me, me, ME!!!


Yep, that was the plan..still is I suppose. But as always, my mind won't allow me to simply shutdown and relax without doing a little forward thinking and backward reflecting. After a couple of hours of solitude, I couldn't help but wonder what my life would have looked like without my two little tornadoes. I spent the rest of the day in an Ebenezer Scrooge moment....visited by the ghosts of Christmas past, present and what's to come. I looked at the Christmas tree, the fireplace decorations and all the presents and could actually see them disappear right before my eyes. Without my kids, I suspect they wouldn't be there. The stocking from my childhood would remain tucked away with all the other decorations. Even though I don't consider myself a Scrooge, I'm sure I wouldn't have spent the time or energy decorating for just myself. Maybe I would have done a little decorating, especially for my eight year old niece, but she has beautiful decorations at her home so I'm not sure she'd need mine.


Outside my front window is a beautiful Blue Spruce tree that I had planted several years ago. I try to decorate it each Christmas, maybe a small indication of holiday joy, but an attempt never the less. Each year it grows enough that I have to buy more strings of lights and this year I had to stand on my tiptoes and almost fling the lights to the top of the tree. It's grown and changed so much, quietly getting more beautiful. It is the perfect Christmas tree shape, its branches full and aromatic. There's something about this particular tree that brings out a sense of nostalgia in me. It makes my heart ache for the mountains every time I look at it throughout the year. I chose to plant a Blue Spruce because I thought it would bring a little piece of the mountains to me here but instead it's made me crave that mountain air even more. 


Seeing that beautiful tree twinkling with lights and sparkly ornaments, I can't help but think about my holiday plans for the future, the dreams I have, the traditions I hope to enjoy with my family, the places we will experience together. I can't help but dream.... and I can't imagine my future with my sons. There's so much I want to experience with them, so much I want to show them. Places, cultures, people, hopes, dreams...so much to share.....


The holidays bring out the best in me now that I have children. Looking forward or back, I see the good instead of the bad. Even though decorating takes a lot of time and energy, it brings my family together in a positive way. It's so easy to long for the days of being in control of my own life, but these moments are worth so much more than the good ol' days.


Freedom...it's a wonderful gift but as it turns out, I only need it in small doses. I chose this life. I chose them or maybe they chose me. Either way, I wouldn't have it any other way. And isn't that what the holidays are all about? Recognizing the gifts we already have in our lives and being grateful for them?


But I'm still going to enjoy the next few days of peace and solitude... what a wonderful Christmas gift to me...

the holidays...

The holidays...it's hard to see all the beautiful lights and decorations without feeling a sense of wonder and excitement. Standing in line with my sons and niece while we waited for  their turn to sit on Santa's lap, I couldn't help but smile at all the parents trying to contain their children's anticipation. It's hard to ignore the magic of the season. So why are so many people unhappy at Christmas? It seems we have such unrealistic expectations, such disillusion. It's impossible to ever have a holiday that even remotely resembles the idea we have in our heads.


I can't honestly say I have a lot of memories of my childhood Christmases. I can remember a few when we still lived in town so I was pretty young. I remember we got one big present and several smaller ones and we got to open one of the small ones on Christmas Eve. I always loved that. I don't remember a lot of holiday traditions although I'm sure we had some. By the time I was old enough to really start remembering the holidays, my brother was already getting into serious trouble with the law so I'm sure my mom was either crying or holding back tears...it always broke my heart to see her like that knowing I couldn't fix it...not exactly a joyous occasion. By the time I was a teenager, I'd buried two grandparents, an uncle and my brother. My oldest niece was only nine at the time her dad (my brother) died. Needless to say, holidays were forever altered at that point. I remember my mom always looking a bit numb which was exactly how I felt too. My sister tried to force everyone in the family to come together and she was always disappointed because it wasn't that perfect holiday she craved. Looking back, I think she thought a normal holiday was what everyone else was having so we should have it too. But bringing bodies together wasn't going to bring Ricky back to life. I think in some way she thought we could create a happiness that wasn't attainable. My mom's only son was dead, our only brother gone. My niece's dad deceased. There was no way to turn back the clock and even if she could have, the past wasn't filled with ridiculously happy holidays either. Yet somehow she always pushed to create something that I suspect in her heart of hearts, she knew wasn't possible. I think she set herself up to fail but I'm not really sure why.


The holidays used to be about getting together with family and enjoying each others company. Today it's about how many presents you can fit on your Visa card. I have a couple of friends who belong to a huge family that gets together every year on Christmas Eve. There's no expectations about who shows up or who doesn't. No gifts are exchanged so that financial pressure is relieved. One of grownups dresses in a Santa suit and all the parents who still have little kids bring one gift for their child and slips the present into Santa's bag. Everyone drinks and dances and laughs and eats and they have a great time together. At some point Santa shows up and calls all the little kids up to sit in his lap as he pulls their gift from the bag. The whole family has a wonderful time together. They look forward to it all year and are disappointed if they can't make it. Of course there's been losses. I know off the top of my head they've lost their parents, two brothers, one nephew and several little nieces, yet they celebrate being together and move on. It seems like the perfect extended family holiday. No crazy expectations, no hurt feelings, no disappointment.


For me, as a mother, it's my goal to create happy holiday memories and traditions for my children. I've been trying since my first Christmas with my first son who came home in early December 2007 to create these wonderful traditions and it turns out they've created themselves without me even noticing. For example, for several years we've gone to a local church for their annual Christmas Cookie Walk. It was sort of a fun thing to do and we had plans to do it again this year but before I knew it, that Saturday was filled up with activities so I suggested we skip it this year. My eight year old niece let me know in no uncertain terms that we do this every year and she didn't want to miss it this year. There's a tradition. She told me yesterday that she doesn't even really want the cookies. So for her, it's about the memory..the tradition...that's something she'll hold in her heart forever.


I've been an aunt since was I eight years old and I suppose that position came with certain expectations. I always given gifts or money to my nieces and nephew even though most of them never bothered to call or text to say thanks. Most of them don't contact me throughout the year which tells me I'm not on their radar. I guess I've just been the invisible aunt who sent gifts and maybe that's okay, considering the dysfunction of our family. At least maybe it WAS okay. But most of them are grown up now. There's only a couple who are still young enough to even believe in Santa. And I don't feel like it's my job to be the invisible aunt who sends gifts anymore. They are old enough to not really expect a gift from me anymore and they're certainly old enough to say thank you if I do send one. They are old enough to send a text that says Happy Birthday or Merry Christmas. And they are old enough to acknowledge my sons with a small birthday present just as I acknowledged them and their children for their whole lives. And they are old enough to be held accountable for their actions. I don't expect them to give me a birthday or Christmas gift, but I do expect to be acknowledged for what I've given them. Maybe I'm just old fashioned but it's disrespectful to ignore someone who goes to the trouble of spending their hard-earned money on you. Honestly, it's made me feel a little bit used for several years now but I suppose that's not really fair either. They aren't using me. They aren't demanding gifts from me. It's been completely one-way. Me giving to them. So in reality it's my fault. I never should have allowed myself to get in this position. I'm not even sure how it happened. It's not like I grew up with extended family showering me with gifts. I had ten aunts and uncles..never got gifts from them...didn't expect them. Only one aunt gave me gifts and she and I were really close. So how did I get in this position with family that I don't even talk to all year long? Somehow I must have started this ball rolling, but how? And why? It's completely unnecessary so what happened? They obviously don't expect anything from me and they aren't really interested in a relationship with me either. So why do I feel used and resentful if I give them something this year and a little bit guilty if I don't? What does that mean? I am trying to raise my sons to be respectful and thankful so what message am I sending them if I give money to relatives who don't even acknowledge me or my children...ever? And for that matter, what message am I sending my nieces and nephew? That's it's okay to accept a gift from someone that you don't even care about? That a simple "thank you" isn't necessary anymore? Or maybe they think I'm trying to buy their attention? None of these are messages I want to be sending to them or especially to my children. And you know what, I'm not sending this message to myself anymore either. I deserve to treated with respect and if someone isn't willing to do that...well then maybe we need to be distant relatives.


Is this why the holidays are so crappy for so many people? Because they are filled with land mines of expectations ...guaranteed to blow up in your face?


So I'm starting new traditions this year...traditions that work better for me and my family. I am focusing my attention on the people who are part of my life, the people who are involved in my life, who treat me with respect. That includes a few family members and some real friends who are as close to me as family. I talk to them often even if they live in another state. These are the people who show up. These are the people who know what's going on in my life, who know me and my children. These are the people who would do anything for me. These people are my family. These are who I am focusing on and who are focusing on me. 


So this year, on Christmas Eve, new traditions will be born! (hopefully)...we are going to make more reindeer food because Santa didn't send nearly enough in his letters to the boys. Then of course we have to sprinkle the reindeer food on the front lawn. And we'll drink hot chocolate and read The Night Before Christmas, maybe watch The Polar Express or some other Christmas movie. And maybe we'll even open one small present, just like I did when I was a kid.


Because that's what Christmas is all about. Spending time with people who love you all year long, laughing and enjoying each other's company...there's no room for ridiculously high expectations, disillusionment or disappointment here. I'm going to create that perfect family holiday that my sister craved so much but with a twist. I guess "perfect" is in the eye of the beholder. Hanging out with family, laughing and being silly, drinking hot chocolate (possibly with a little Jameson's in it)...sounds pretty perfect to me. And there's no room for guilt in that.

it really is the little things....

Enlightenment seems to come in waves for me, never a slow progression but always a drenching burst of knowledge washing over me. I've been swimming all week.


Monday was spent rewinding my first Thanksgiving with my extended family in many years. It was a bit surreal and I felt somewhat like a fly on the wall, quietly observing the new dynamics of my family, some of them nearly strangers to me. Tuesday I met with my therapist/friend where we discussed my tendency to be so hard on myself...his words, not mine. We also discussed my issues with failure. Of course he wanted to know if I'd ever failed at anything...HA, that's funny. When I began listing my missteps, he asked why I considered these things failures. I gave the obvious answers...because I didn't finish, I quit, I gave up, etc... His analysis of my "failures" really gave me something to think about. He said starting something, striving for one thing or another but failing to achieve it doesn't mean I failed, it just means I am engaged in life. It means I'm not afraid to try. It means I'm willing to go for it....hummm, interesting.
I've always said I learn what I want to do in life but learning what I don't want to do. I've never been afraid to take a risk and if it doesn't work out, I move on to the next idea or adventure. He said that's how some people are hard-wired. It doesn't make me a failure and that I'm being way too hard on myself when I label those choices as such. I'm really not doing justice to his words, but they've given me something to think about, that's for sure. All these years, everyone's told me I'm too hard on myself but I just considered it high standards. For the first time I'm beginning to see what everyone else sees and I'm hoping to learn how to lighten up a bit on myself and others. Babysteps....


Then today a friend from back home called me and we talked for a long long time. We talked about our lives, the changes we are making, the good we have but forget about. Our lives aren't similar yet the journeys are the same. We both take notice of the big messages...yep, the karma and such, but we seem to ignore the quiet little messages we get from the Universe. Actually ignore is the wrong word...overlook is a better fit or maybe even rush past. For example, I've been really striving to stop being a "fixer", been working on it for over a year now. Strangely though when something big happens, it's not difficult to throw up my hands and say "not my problem" but it's those little day-to-day  occurrences where I either fix it before I remember to stop myself or if I don't fix it, I forget to give myself credit for my hands-off approach. Or when I'm so focused on one son's struggle with learning, I forget to pat my other son on the back for his success in writing his name. For that matter, I don't pat myself on the back either for all the time I spent working with him. We both deserve the "atta boy" yet I don't even give us a few minutes to celebrate.
Enjoying my birthday lunch with several friends today, we talked for a few minutes about my friend's mom who was in a head-on collision last week. Even with several broken bones, she will recover, unlike the 21 year old kid who hit her. If he ever wakes up, he won't be the same. Once again, an incredibly difficult holiday week for my friend and her family yet so much more for them to be thankful for than the other driver's family.


When I reflect back over the years of my life, it's so easy to see only the bad..the rough times...because they seem to demand my attention even now--years later. But when I look at my history thru this week's fresh eyes, I can see how lucky I've been, how much good there was that outweighed the bad. There are so many details I've ignored, overlooked--memories I've allowed to be overshadowed by the darkness. We all do it to an extent. We all feel overwhelming gratitude after someone else has a brush with death or when we hear about a senseless tragedy but then we fall back into forgetfulness. We get so busy with life we don't celebrate the happy moments before we allow them to fade away.


I suppose none of these things are revolutionary but the combination of them all coming at me in such a condensed time period has drowned me in enlightenment. Just little baby steps of knowledge pushing me toward my final destination....

birthday memories...

My niece celebrates her fourteen birthday today. Fourteen. Not exactly a milestone birthday like sixteen or twenty-one, but still very important to the kid experiencing the big day. It's her last year before entering the semi-adult world of high school, still a kid in many ways yet old enough to think all adults are "clueless" (sorry, I'm too old to know what term the cool kids are using now instead of clueless). At fourteen you're still in that preparatory stage. Young enough to still have sleepovers and dance parties but not old enough to go unchaperoned.  It's that age where the innocence of youth is being tested, boundaries are fought, envelopes pushed. Parents are in a constant state of anger, depression, exasperation, frustration and guilt, all at once...sometimes they are even medicated.


Fourteen is a awkward age, one that won't hold much appeal when she looks back as an adult. I doubt she'll say it was the best time of her life. Usually you laugh about how little you really knew as opposed to what you thought you knew. It is a time when you can't wait to get on with your life because you have no idea how difficult it's really going to be.  You've probably already had your heart broken by your first love or you're about to. Your body is betraying you, changing and morphing into something completely foreign. Fitting in, avoiding peer pressure and dodging bullies consumes your day. It probably similar to a caterpillar emerging from the cocoon to become a beautiful butterfly but it wings aren't spread yet so it's still a slime covered insect trying to avoid being eaten. Awkward, painful, pain-filled and misunderstood....


I wonder if my niece is enjoying this time of her life or trying to get through it unscathed? She an enigma, hard to read. She's seen so much that most humans will go to their graves never experiencing, all bad unfortunately, but she plays her cards pretty close to the vest. By the time I was fourteen, I was really coming into my own. I had a quick wit and cutting sarcasm, both which I used to protect myself from exposing too much to most people. My niece doesn't have that. Her schtick has always been the airhead, a little flighty and oblivious, but that's gone now. Enduring her mother's death eighteen months ago and nearly complete disappearance of her drug-addicted father must have left her feeling lost. She's been blessed with the opportunity to live with the older sister she always adored, but even that relationship has changed. Her cool older sister has been forced to become the strict, rule-making mother-figure...a change that's been difficult for both of them. Actually there isn't much in her life that hasn't changed and even though she seems to quietly go with the flow, I suspect there's turmoil under the surface of her calm exterior.


I wish I knew what's going on inside her. I wish I could promise it will get easier. I wish I could wave a magic wand and change her life completely. But I can't, so today, all I can do is wish her a happy birthday. It's not nearly enough but at least it's something....

Kaleidoscope....

Next week is my birthday and I am planning to start a new tradition. Thanks to the world of online shopping, I was able to purchase a kaleidoscope kit for less than $10. It's basically a cardboard tube that comes with decorative paper for the outside of the tube, mirrors to create the reflections, a end cap and a bag of colored beads to bounce the reflection of light against. I suspect the whole project won't require more than a 30 minute investment of my time.


I'm sure most of you are wondering why in the world I'm starting an annual kaleidoscope building tradition which will take place each year on my birthday.  Well, sit back and let me fill in the details....


First I am going to write the date on the tube of my kaleidoscope, November 25, 2011. Then I am going to write the color of each bead I will be using in my project and label what each color represents in my life. For example, I will probably choose blue to represent my children since I have sons and most likely green will signify my professional life because green is the color of money. I will try to choose a color for each area of my life, from family to home to pets to whatever is important. In case you haven't figured it out yet, this kaleidoscope will represent a snapshot of my life on November 25, 2011. Ideally each area of my life should be represented by one bead but if there are certain areas that are consuming more of my time and energy, then I'll put in two or more beads of that color. For example, between Davison's feet and Gabriel's possible brain processing issue, I suspect there will be two blue beads in this year's kaleidoscope. Also, an additional area of my life that will deserve its own colored bead, probably for the rest of my life, will be my brother and sister's addictions and their deaths. Hopefully that will be represented by no more than one red bead on that day.


You may be wondering what's the significance of this ridiculous exercise and if so then I ask you to ponder this....when was the last time you looked thru a kaleidoscope? For some of you, it has probably been many years. If you get a chance, pick one up and point it toward a light source, then give it a very gentle turn...slowly and gently. You'll be amazed how radically it changes with only a fraction of an inch turn. Not only the pattern will change but the colors too. It may be filled with blue for one second but a gentle turn can reduce the blue in it to a speck or even completely eliminate it all together. Turn it again and the blue reappears in a totally different configuration.


There are two points to this exercise. The first is all I have to do is look at the beads, what they represent and how many of each color is found in the little plastic end cap to know what my life was consumed with on this particular birthday. It will be a sort of visual journal. It will tell me what my life looked like on that day and this time in my life can be re-experienced again and again by picking up my November 25, 2011 kaleidoscope and giving it a turn. It will be visually obvious what areas of my life were receiving more or less attention. The second and probably more important lesson gleaned from this exercise is to remind myself that sometimes one area of my life takes on increased significance because of a sick child, a hectic work schedule or a loved one's addiction. In other words, sometimes I forget to turn the kaleidoscope. I forget that it's even possible--that a gentle change of focus can offer more balance. No individual bead is glued to the center of the kaleidoscope, demanding a key position in each unique pattern yet it's so easy to get bogged down in the ruts of life we sometimes forget that changing any part of it is up to us. We don't have to quit that job.. end a relationship...exercise and diet our way into a size 6.. get that promotion...(fill in blank are)... We don't "have" to do anything but we also don't "have" to (and shouldn't) make any one thing the center of our lives indefinitely. In fact, nothing should be the center of attention ALL the time...not if we want to enjoy a balanced life. Even when we are going thru something really difficult, maybe something we can't ignore, we can still turn the kaleidoscope and put that problem off center. Doesn't mean we are going to ignore it but we're not going to be consumed by it either. There may also be times when it seems the kaleidoscope turns on its own and forces a certain bead to the center...a scary health diagnosis for ourself or a loved one, the possibility of losing a job, an addict who's in a full-blown episode or failing recovery or possibly going to jail, a separation or divorce, winning the lottery, starting a new business, etc.. all these things can suddenly force themselves into your mind until you can't think of anything else. Eventually you remember that other areas of your life, like your children, pets, health, etc are being neglected and then you feel extra guilty. You might even be the type of person who designates a certain colored bead to guilty because it's a huge part of your life. But at the point you start feeling guilty, try to remember to turn the kaleidoscope. If you do this every time you think about it, eventually you'll start remembering before your life becomes completely unbalanced and you'll instinctively begin to make changes, even without the vision reminder of the kaleidoscope. It may seem like a simple childish game but sometimes the simplest things are the most effective. 


Nothing is stopping you from giving your life a gentle turn or a hard spin...either way, the view is guaranteed to change!

I'm just full of pearls of wisdom!!!

Another little nugget sent to me today....


Freedom from the past, or anything else for that matter, always comes in the very instant you stop thinking about it. 

hummmm....

At some point, you have to realize that some people can stay in your heart but not in your life.....words to live by...

Thought for Today....

"You will have to make the effort to break old habits and establish new ones. You will have to admit to yourself that your 'gut feeling' about things is askew, and unless you learn a better way, you will continue to suffer." Susan Wright

Reading this quote this morning, I was stunned by it. As Oprah would say, I had an Ahh-hahhh moment. Suddenly this answer had appeared to the eternal question of why we want to change something about our lives so badly yet often nothing happens. It's not just enough to want to change. Believing in the possibility of change will only get us so far. For change to happen, we must recognize that our thoughts, our feelings and our emotions are working against us, in the beginning at least. Our own bodies are actually pushing us back into the very rut was are desperately hoping to leave. I always assumed it was safe to think my heart and mind was in full alignment with my new desires, but now I realize that may not always be the case. This quote is like a football stadium light bulb going off in my brain. For the first time EVER, it is perfectly clear why we want something so badly yet often seem to sabotage our new goals, dreams and desires. Now that I know who and what I am fighting (myself), I have a much better idea of how to win the battle.

This is life....

Incredibly hard to watch but necessary...this is life...real life for one heroin addict and his poor family. Filmed in England, the accent can be a bit thick as times, but it doesn't matter. You don't need to understand every word to understand the meaning. Rest in peace Ben.


http://topdocumentaryfilms.com/ben-diary-heroin-addict/

I knew this day was coming but.....

It's Saturday, the day I run errands with my sons. We invariably end up at Target where we'll eat popcorn while perusing the aisles. Today would be no different except for one little thing.


We've been to Target so many times my car practically knows the way on its own. I had the car pointed in the direction of the big red bullseye and was sort of in a trance...probably not good to admit since I was behind the wheel! My sons were strapped in their booster seats, engaged in a deep conversation about something but I have no idea what. I wasn't really paying much attention when off in the distance I noticed my oldest son was saying the same thing over and over again. That's really not uncommon for him. He's like a dog with a bone...just won't let go of anything but the words caught my attention. Over and over he kept telling his brother that he was "different" and his brother was agreeing with him. I'm not going to lie...a little red flag came up in the back of my mind but I tried to ignore it. Don't panic..don't head straight for red alert. There must be a logical explanation for this. In my most nonchalant voice I asked why he was different to which my oldest son replied, "because his skin is brown."  There it was..a reason to panic...man the battle stations boys, full steam ahead!


I tried to remain calm on the outside even though my gut was twisted into a knot. "Who told you that?", I asked. This was the first time they had ever mentioned skin color so I was shocked. Granted the Montessori school they previously attended was probably 50% minorities and this school looks like a bowl of rice pudding with about 4 little raisins thrown in, but even so, I was surprised by my son's comments. If they had been asking questions about skin color, that would be one thing, but this was completely out of the blue.


But I digress. So when I asked who told them this, he said their teacher did. Not gonna lie...my first thought was to swing by a pawn shop to find out if there's a waiting period to buy a handgun. On my way there, I could run by Hobby Lobby for some camouflage fabric. Monday morning, I'm going in with guns blazing!


Okay, so I tried even harder to calm the dialogue in my head long enough to get the full story. Friday was show-n-tell day and they were suppose to bring something brown. For some reason, only my two boys took anything so I guess in an attempt to add a little more interest to the whole event, the teacher said anyone wearing a brown shirt could stand up but I don't think there was any so then she suggested that my youngest son stand up because his skin is brown and that makes him different. I think my ears were ringing at this point as I made a mental note to get plenty of bullets to go with my soon-to-be purchased handgun.


In all fairness to the teacher, I'm not sure if she actually said his brown skin made him "different" or if having the teacher point out the fact that he was the only kid in class with brown skin made my boys suddenly aware of his beautiful carmel colored skin. Either way, my skin was a lovely shade of magenta mixed with fire engine red at this point, at least from the neck up.


I talked to the boys and tried to explain to them that we are all the same, all humans created by God...God's children so to speak and that we should never tell someone they are different because it hurts their feelings. They seemed completely fine with my explanation and didn't really seem upset with the idea that one of them is considered different. Of course at the tender age of five, I'm not sure they really know what different is but the lesson is coming at them fast.


I talked to several friends and family members and even cornered two unsuspecting Target employees who both had beautiful brown skin for their opinions. All, including the girls working at Target, were shocked and hostile about the whole exchange. My dad's convinced her comments were illegal and I think he might be loading a gun even as I write this! 


After speaking with all these people and getting no feedback less than righteous indignation, I knew I wasn't wrong for considering the whole "going postal" option. I decided it would be best to prepare the teacher for what's heading her way on Monday morning so I sent her an email and copied the principal. I'll keep you posted on the outcome of this mess.....I'd certainly like to think this whole thing was just an innocent misunderstanding but it doesn't seem to be the case. I guess I'll find out soon enough.


I love the fact that my little guys are oblivious to the insult they've just encountered. Maybe they'll always be the type of people who just lets someone else's closed-minded opinion roll right off their backs. As a protective mom, I certainly hope so but this issue is bigger than my two kids. America seems to be getting more close-minded by the minute and most people just watch it happen with little or no concern because it doesn't affect them. Well guess what white America, it's about to start affecting your world. The rednecks in Alabama thought it was a great idea to pass laws making it nearly impossible for illegal immigrants to stay in this country and continuing working. Most white people in this country don't really see how this will dent their pocketbooks so let me make it perfectly clear. The Alabama economy is taking a HUGE hit right now because immigrants aren't sending their kids to school and aren't showing up for work. Losing such a large percentage of kids in school reduces their funding so they're in big finance trouble. Not showing up for work means produce rots in the fields, yards go un-mowed and un-manicured, and restaurants can't keep dishes clean and food cooked without a kitchen staff. So how does this affect you? Well the obvious cost is disappearing food in the grocery store. No fresh produce and many canned goods won't be filling the shelves. What is available will cost double or triple. The only way to keep the farms and factories running is to replace the immigrant worker with a white worker but whites won't work the long hours for such low wages. So let's say the owners increased wages to attract the white worker. Does anybody really believe the corporation is going to absorb the increased cost of production? No, the American consumer will foot the bill at the grocery store, restaurants, retail and wholesale stores. An economy which is already hurting will become completely unstable. But hey, at least the illegal immigrants aren't here. Because everyone in this country is willing to stand on principle even if it drains their own personal bank account, right? Hell no. This country is built on people who stand proudly on principle but only if it doesn't cost them a penny.  Bigotry, prejudice, racism can't be tolerated just because it was presented without malice in a 30 second sound bite commercial. It's a battle we should all be fighting, no matter what our skin color happens to be.

How do you stop a runaway train?

I often wonder if my sister’s teenage years had occurred in the 1940s or 50s, would her life have been different?  Would the absence of easily available drugs have slowed her descent, offering her enough time to recognize the value in her life and emerge from her self-induced despair?  Was bad timing to blame for her ultimate demise?

My sister’s march toward death claimed nearly forty years of her life but unlike someone whose physical existence is maintained by life support after being left in a vegetative state for many years, her condition didn’t stabilize or become predictable.  Her body functions weren’t maintained by feeding tubes or ventilators and the choice to live or die was clearly in her hands, not family members.  No machine was unplugged nor DNR order upheld.  It was a journey of choices and their consequences.

Her first step in the wrong direction began as an impulsive decision made by teenager who was just trying to fit in with her peers.  At least that’s what I tell myself.  I don’t really know what triggered her decision to experiment with drugs or why she never experienced enough regret to change her course.  Looking back now, I realize she never seemed to stumble down the wrong path, instead always running headlong into the darkness while refusing to accept the consequences of her actions.  Maybe like a person who finds solace in cutting, it was the one piece of her psyche she felt in complete control of, until the drugs began controlling her.  Even though I’ll never know what triggered her fateful decision, I do recognize the moment she crossed the point of no return.  From that day forward it was a downhill descent with only one possible destination.  Getting off the train was no longer an option.

It all began in the mid-60s and early 70s when the whole world was changing around us.  Make-Love-Not-War was the favored chant of America’s youth and psychedelic drugs were sweeping the nation.  The hippie-look came up from the streets in rebellion against mainstream designers.  Teenagers everywhere wore suede fringed jackets and hip-hugging, bell-bottomed jeans.  T-shirts were tie-dyed in kitchen sinks and peace signs adorned necklaces, cars and books.    Even rural America couldn’t protect itself from the waves of change crashing onto its shores.  The caste system was breaking down.  Being born on the “wrong side of the tracks” no longer meant you were destined to a life of poverty or blue-collared jobs.  Skin color and sexual preference were considered limitations only by your parent’s generation.  The world was changing fast.  Teenagers and young adults had more outside influence thrown at them than probably any generation before and they were grabbing it up by the handfuls, begging for more.  The people’s revolution was in motion and there was no stopping it. 

Much of the violence of those tumultuous years brought positive change to our world.  Equal rights for women.  Roe vs. Wade.  Desegregation and the Civil Rights Movement.  Unfortunately not all change was positive.  As with any new adventure, these kids didn’t realize the long-term repercussions of their actions in the beginning.  It’s often decades before a choice can truly be measured and deemed either good or bad, so only now is it clear which ones deserve the credit and where to place the blame.   Out of all the changes that swept our lives, most would agree the worst was the devastation caused by the grip of drug use on our nation. 

I doubt anyone trying drugs for the first time considered them anything more than a social recreation.  No one recognized the addictive nature of a generation hungry for a life bigger than their parents or the ingenuity of America’s youth in their quest for a bigger-and-better high.  The dark side of illegal drugs had yet to expose itself.  The train was building up steam and no one tried to stop it.

Many of America’s children experimented with drugs during their teens and twenties but for most, it simply became a chapter in their lives.  Something they would move on from, eventually becoming typical middle-aged spouses &/or parents with mortgages and minivans.  Yet for others like my sister, the chapter never ended.  Why?  Why were some able to walk away unscathed while others dove head first into the world of drug abuse purposely snowballing their lives into addiction?  Why was it so innocent for some yet so dangerous for others?  Many people argue that marijuana should be legalized; it’s no worse than alcohol.  For some it isn’t, but for others, it’s a death sentence.  So is it a gateway drug wreaking havoc on society or simply a temporary escape from reality meant to be enjoyed recreationally?

Unfortunately we aren’t born with labels.  There’s no little tag hanging behind our ear with detailed instructions about what each of us can or cannot do.  There’s no warning labels, no red circles with a diagonal line cutting across a picture of a crack pipe or a bottle of pills.  We don’t come with guarantees and we only listen half-heartedly to the threats of “don’t try this at home.”  There’s no predicting the outcome when a child is born and you can forget nature vs. nurture when drugs are added to the mix.  My sister’s group of friends came from all walks-of-life with varied skin colors and ethnic backgrounds.  Their family income ranged from poverty level to upper-middle.  The only common denominator was their willingness to experiment with the unknown.  Most made it out alive but many didn’t.  At the time of my sister’s death, the number of lost souls could be counted into the twenties.  Some were probably considered weak-links or social outcasts, but not all of them.  Most were typical teenagers, never thinking beyond the present moment; never realizing this choice carried deadly consequences.

In hindsight, I want to believe the timing of my sister’s teenaged years deserves a portion of the blame for her death.  Had she not been exposed to drugs at such a young age, would there still have been a chip on her shoulder?  Would she still feel like society was against her, like the world owed her a favor?  Those questions will remain unanswered but the world did her no favors by offering such an easy way out; a solution that seemed to make all her teenaged angst disappear in a cloud of smoke.  Without that, maybe she would have fallen but gotten back up.  Maybe she would have taken life’s hard knocks and grown from them.  Avoidance must have seemed like the easier road and probably relieved her pain in the short-run but brought with it a lifetime of pain, robbing her of life’s lessons availed to us all.  It stunted her emotional growth and skewed her parenting skills thus passing her pain on to the next generation and inflicting damage that will take them a lifetime to recover from, if ever.  She gave up her life by choosing to avoid living it.  A price too high to pay.  In reality, society is still paying the price for treating drug use so casually but is it too late to stop the train?

Society’s landscape no longer resembles our childhoods of yesteryear.  Our world requires an offensive stance.  Children aren’t allowed to walk to the grocery store alone or play in the front yard without adult supervision.  Their computer use is monitored for online predators and cyber-bullies.  Responsible parents belong to neighborhood watch groups and subscribe to sex offender websites to alert the subdivision if a felon moves into the area.  We teach our children that the world is a dangerous place and they believe us, at least until becoming teenagers.  Then our sage advice about sex, drugs or underaged drinking-and-driving gets tossed aside with a roll of the eye and a shrug of their shoulder.  Yet still we preach about the consequences of teenage mistakes, knowing in such a rush to grow up they often ignore parental advice, especially when all their friends are doing it.  It’s a rite of passage.  We expect them to have fun and enjoy life before entering adulthood with all its responsibilities.  It’s part of growing up. 

 I don’t know if it’s possible to become addicted to alcohol the first time the elixir crosses your lips but some of our children are becoming addicted to drugs with their first hit.  How do we make them understand that experimenting with drugs could alter their lives like a tsunami coming ashore? How do we prevent them from making such a devastating choice?  And if we can’t prevent it, then how do we protect them?

We watched the train leave the station and build up steam, never once throwing the brake as it roared toward its final destination.  So how do we stop it now?