My sons left this morning to spend a few days with my parents on the farm. I'm not going to lie...as soon as the door closed, I danced a little gig and let out a loud "hootie-hoo!" I love my kids dearly but boy do I miss my alone time...my adult time...my freedom to do whatever, whenever and however I want. The next few days are going to be about me, me, ME!!!
Yep, that was the plan..still is I suppose. But as always, my mind won't allow me to simply shutdown and relax without doing a little forward thinking and backward reflecting. After a couple of hours of solitude, I couldn't help but wonder what my life would have looked like without my two little tornadoes. I spent the rest of the day in an Ebenezer Scrooge moment....visited by the ghosts of Christmas past, present and what's to come. I looked at the Christmas tree, the fireplace decorations and all the presents and could actually see them disappear right before my eyes. Without my kids, I suspect they wouldn't be there. The stocking from my childhood would remain tucked away with all the other decorations. Even though I don't consider myself a Scrooge, I'm sure I wouldn't have spent the time or energy decorating for just myself. Maybe I would have done a little decorating, especially for my eight year old niece, but she has beautiful decorations at her home so I'm not sure she'd need mine.
Outside my front window is a beautiful Blue Spruce tree that I had planted several years ago. I try to decorate it each Christmas, maybe a small indication of holiday joy, but an attempt never the less. Each year it grows enough that I have to buy more strings of lights and this year I had to stand on my tiptoes and almost fling the lights to the top of the tree. It's grown and changed so much, quietly getting more beautiful. It is the perfect Christmas tree shape, its branches full and aromatic. There's something about this particular tree that brings out a sense of nostalgia in me. It makes my heart ache for the mountains every time I look at it throughout the year. I chose to plant a Blue Spruce because I thought it would bring a little piece of the mountains to me here but instead it's made me crave that mountain air even more.
Seeing that beautiful tree twinkling with lights and sparkly ornaments, I can't help but think about my holiday plans for the future, the dreams I have, the traditions I hope to enjoy with my family, the places we will experience together. I can't help but dream.... and I can't imagine my future with my sons. There's so much I want to experience with them, so much I want to show them. Places, cultures, people, hopes, dreams...so much to share.....
The holidays bring out the best in me now that I have children. Looking forward or back, I see the good instead of the bad. Even though decorating takes a lot of time and energy, it brings my family together in a positive way. It's so easy to long for the days of being in control of my own life, but these moments are worth so much more than the good ol' days.
Freedom...it's a wonderful gift but as it turns out, I only need it in small doses. I chose this life. I chose them or maybe they chose me. Either way, I wouldn't have it any other way. And isn't that what the holidays are all about? Recognizing the gifts we already have in our lives and being grateful for them?
But I'm still going to enjoy the next few days of peace and solitude... what a wonderful Christmas gift to me...
No comments:
Post a Comment