It's Monday again!....

Hope you're enjoying Motivational Mondays...please feel free to toss out an opinion in the comments section every now and then so I know I'm not talking to myself. Throw a girl a bone!!!


So here's my motivational quote for this week which as it turns out is not actually a quote but instead a comment made in a book I'm reading. Hope you like it as much as I do.....


“Your friends simply reflect who you think you are at any given point, not necessarily who you really are". Mike Dooley


Can you sense the depth of this remark? I'm sure we've all had moments where trouble bubbles up between us and a friend. In that moment, we experience a side of them we didn't know existed or maybe one we'd chosen to ignore and we ask ourselves how we ended up with a friend who isn't really a friend...who doesn't "fit" with who we are. In actuality we could remove the word "friends" from the quote and change it to anyone who takes up space in your life. It might make a long and awkward quote, but our friends aren't the only ones who deserve top billing in this statement. Anyone we surround ourselves with..friends, spouses, ex-spouses, boyfriends/girlfriends/partners/lovers, in-laws, coworkers, basically anyone we've chosen to allow into our lives, all have the potential to reflect our own shortcomings or our best assets back in our faces. 


Using myself as an example, there are two traits that I find ultra-important in any relationship I have in my life. Of course there's a list of wants and needs but really only two things on the Must-have list. To be a valued member of my life, the other person must be loyal and respectful. Both of these traits are a huge part of who I really am. It hasn't always been obvious from the outside because in the past I've viewed the world from the point of who I thought I was or who I thought I was suppose to be instead of who I really am. For example, I have family members who fight to defend their positions during a moment of drama and then after all the craziness dies down, they go right back to the same people, places and things that caused the problem in the first place. That's always been hard for me because I'm an analyzer and when someone hurts me or someone I love, I dig in to see who's at fault and what caused the problem. I don't like setting myself up to get hurt over and over, especially by the same people doing the same thing in the same situation. I can't enjoy life while holding my breath waiting for everything to explode.


Their "get over it" mentality has always been tough for me.  If I wanted to keep the people I loved in my life, I had to swallow my misgivings and "get over it". For me, getting over it means analyzing it, determine who was at fault and if they were reacting to a problem or initiating it and then deciding if they should remain in my life or not. I don't believe in "getting over it", I prefer to "get past it". For my family, getting over it means pushing it down so they don't have to deal with it and then we all get to experience it all over again when the next problem bubbles up, dragging the past issues along with it. They might "get over it" but they never get passed it because they don't deal with it in the first place. They think it's so much easier to pretend it never happened.. for now at least.... I hate their so-called solutions because it solves nothing and guarantees the drama continues for-ever but they are my family and I love them so I have to respect their choices and live with the drama, right? RIght? Well, yes, the person I thought I was at that moment had to play along to remain in their story, no matter how bad it really was.


For years I played along...I couldn't pretend to get over it but I lived with their choices and swallowed the sick feeling that washed over me every time I was forced to deal with it. It's only been in the last few years that I've finally found the strength to stand up completely on my own two feet and push back when someone tries to make me accept their choices, especially those who are repeat offenders. I'm pretty sure my sister's death caused the avalanche of reality that made me stronger..made me find my real self and begin living who I really am. My sister was by far the hardest person to fight. She didn't accept anyone else's right to live their own choices unless they meshed with her choices. Mine never did and she never allowed me to just live my life while she lived hers. She would pop up every now and then, always in an attempt to force me to swallow her lifestyle with a fake smile. She did this to the whole family. Some of us swallowed it and some of us didn't.


My sister wasn't the only member of my family who thought their lifestyle choices should be welcomed with open arms by all, even if we don't agree with them. My sister was definitely the most vocal and confrontational, but not the only one. As I've worked to become truer to myself, I've removed the veil I used to I view my family --the rose colored glasses are gone. I see all of us more clearly now. Sadly, it's not a pretty picture. The family tree is filled with people who made semi-bad to horrible choices and rather than living with the consequences of their actions, they chose to pretend the bad choices never happened or they developed selective memory and suddenly the bad choice wasn't really that bad after all. We all know the famous quotes "those who don't remember the past are condemned to repeat it" and "those who don't learn from history are destined to repeat it". My family could be poster children for either of those. Make bad choice--"get over it"--repeat bad choice--"get over it"-- you see where this is going, right?


In trying to determine who I really am and why I don't seem to fit well with some of my family members, I discovered the not so obvious reason. I'm not smarter, stronger or wiser than my family and I've certainly made my share of mistakes--some really bad ones and a few stupid ones too.  What I discovered is that all this time, I've been living my life with people who reflect who I thought I was. We are family and I thought that somehow that meant I had to live with whatever they threw at me because that's what family does. But I realize now that it has been very one-sided. They don't respect my choices or who I am. Who I am is a loyal and respectful person. I treat people with respect and I'm loyal...I expect the same from those in my life. If I tell you I'm going to do something, then I do it. If I drag you into a mess I've made in my life, with your help I get out and I don't jump back into the pool. When someone hurts my friend or my family, I'm loyal to my people and I'm done with the person doing the hurting. If you come to me and tell me all the horrible things someone else did or said to you, then I no longer want that other person in your life or mine. I'm loyal to you...all the time, not just when you're upset with someone else and I don't "get over it" just because you've decided to ignore all the warning bells going off in your gut while you run back into the same ol' crappy life. My loyalty doesn't stop just because you've decided to "get over it" and pretend that he/she/they didn't hurt you or you're now justifying their actions by spinning the blame to be 100% yours. I don't buy their bullshit even if you're eating it up with spoon. You may be okay with being disrespected but I can't pretend that it's okay. 


But these very people who I've been loyal to and always try to treat with respect thru lots of "thick and thin", haven't treated me the same way. I suppose because that's not who they really are. They've looked me in the eye with a promise yet once I hold up my end of the bargain, they're able to ignore the agreement and never speak of it again. I've had very disrespectful things said about me to them yet they don't defend me, instead choosing to "ignore" the offensive remarks. They don't seem to care how disloyal this is to me. Not once did they offer the same level of respect to me that I've given them. At my core, I am a loyal and respectful person but the person I thought I had to be often handed out respect and loyalty yet accepted getting none of it in return. The person I thought I was accepted the unfair treatment so the people around me truly were a reflection of who I thought I was. It was only by luck that I  pulled a few friends into my inner circle who actually reflected my true self...who are both respectful and loyal to me...who I can truly count on. By drawing these people into my life, it became impossible to ignore how broken my relationships were with others. Surrounding myself with the good relationships shined a spotlight on the bad ones and I've never been one to ignore the obvious. Something had to change and we all know you can't change other people so that meant I had to be the one to change. So what were my choices? I could continue to accept being treated with disrespect and no loyalty or I could refuse to tolerate it anymore. In other words, I could "get over it" or get past it. Amazing how the exact same choices just kept floating to the top. But now it's personal. I'm not on the outside looking in. I'm not watching someone else "get over it" while gritting my teeth in frustration. Now I have to either eat my words or talk my talk and walk my walk. Not gonna lie...it's not as easy from this side of the fence...much easier to be the outside observer than the one on the battlefield fighting the dragon. But I can only ignore something as long as it's in the dark. Once the light hits it, I can't pretend it doesn't exist. This is my time on earth. I've made a thousand mistakes just like everyone else but I have no desire to keep reliving the same painful situation over and over. I prefer to crawl thru the mud and find my way out to a happier opportunity. I'd rather battle the dragon with the possibility of finding happiness than fear the unknown and settle for misery. 


I'm not a weak person so why did I tolerate this from the very people who should have had my back? All these years I accepted crappy treatment because I thought I had no choice if I wanted to keep the peace..if I wanted these people to love me, even if their love seemed conditional. I thought the source of my pain came from my need to control them and teach them not to tolerate the BS they accepted so easily from others when in reality the BS I didn't want them to accept from others was the EXACT same BS I was accepting from them! I wanted them to stop jumping back into the same crappy situation while I was jumping right back into my own crappy situation!!!  Hello pot, would you like to meet the kettle? Seriously think about that for a moment. I-was-trying-to-fix-their-pain-while-allowing -them-to-hurt-me-in-the-exact-same-way. Doesn't exactly make me a great role model, does it?


In an effort to lesson my pain while keeping my relationships in tact, I began seeking the source of the problem so I could fix it. I was convinced the problem stemmed from my need to control their choices...to fix their lives for the better. I compared it to looking down at a Monopoly board and seeing the big picture--realizing that they were heading for the "go directly to jail" position and all I wanted to do was pick them up and move them to a better place on the board. Nothing wrong with that, right? I was just trying to save them from pain and heartache while positioning them for a better life. Even if it meant I had to sacrifice my own "get out of jail free" card, I was willing to do it because that's what love it all about, right? Right? I was the martyr...somebody throw my name in for sainthood please!!


It tore me up inside but I struggled to change--to stop trying to control their lives-- but after a few years of trying to let go of my controlling ways, I'm beginning to realize that it's never been about control after all. Of course I want them to make the best possible choices but I don't want to make the decisions for them--I don't want to move them on the Monopoly board--I don't want to sacrifice my own life for theirs-- I DO NOT WANT TO DO THEIR WORK.  The real reason it hurts so much is because it goes against who I really am. It goes against the grain of my soul. Who I really am is a respectful and loyal person. Pretending otherwise only reflects who I thought I was...or actually who I thought I had to be. It hurt because I was living a lie and lies never cause anything but pain.


So today I'm living with an inner circle of people who are loyal to me and treat me with respect. If I find out otherwise, they get pushed to an outer circle--far away from me. Doesn't mean I don't care about them. It just means I'm not accepting BS from them--or their entourage---anymore. If they ever want back in my inner circle, they have to be willing to change--to do the hard work---just like I did. I cut a path out of the mud, all they have to do is follow it. Or they can choose to stay where they are. Neither choice makes our love stronger or disappear. As it turns out, it is possible to separate emotions--I can still love them but it doesn't require me to settle for the same ol' BS. Love really can be just love, without attaching it to actions. So I can just love them without accepting their painful actions. I can love them and wish them the best even if I can't count on them. I can send love to my inner circle and have enough left over to reach out far and wide to anyone I care about who doesn't fit with who I really am. Gotta tell ya, my mind is swirling and whirling with all these revelations!


So in conclusion, why do we continue to live lives that don't flow with who we really are? At my core, I want to be surrounded by respectful and loyal people. You're core self--who you really are--is probably different than mine, but are you living it in your day-to-day life or longing for it like a much needed vacation? Are you true to your real self?


If you're stressed, angry or sad--if you feel isolated or alone--if you're wishing for something more--if you're a perfectionist to the point of making yourself crazy--if you struggle with OCD tendencies or find yourself irritated if someone isn't doing something exactly the way you want it done--if you have physical pain that doesn't seem to have a logical source--if you cry over the littlest things--if you're tired or depressed or generally unhappy---if you've gotten yourself in a difficult situation and can't see the way out--if you're avoiding the truth---if you are living a lie and trying to hide it---if you feel like the world is against you--if you want more but think you're not strong enough to get it--if you're being treated anything less than great or if you're treating someone else badly---


If any of these labels fit you or your life, then you're probably not living your true self. Think about how you want to be treated and ask yourself if you have surrounded yourself with people who fit? Ask yourself if you are treating those you love in the same way you want to be treated? Ask yourself in your life reflects who you are---if it says to the world what you want it to say? If you found out you only had three months to live, would you want to be surrounded by the same people in your final days or would you need to make amends with someone? Would you act the same way, say the same things, do the same things, tolerate the same things from others? Could you die without feeling the need to explain your choices? From your deathbed, could you review your recent life and accept your choices without regrets? If not, then why not change a few things now, before it's too late? Aren't you worth it? I know I am.