I have a tendency to look back and analyze my life a lot. The thought of living in a rut, making the same decisions and the same mistakes over and over again, has always seemed much more frightening to me than the alternative of trekking out to forge an untraveled path. I wish I could say I've never repeated a mistake....imagine how quickly your life could change for the better if you were perpetually observing your choices and correcting any errors in judgement before moving forward to the next challenge. That would be amazing. Proudly I can point to several mistakes I only made once but there were a few that took a couple of repeat performances before I learned my lesson and finally moved on.
I've spent a lot of time during the last week really thinking about my history, the twists and turns that got me to this point. Last night I realized that the perfect analogy for my life is a roulette wheel. You all know what a roulette wheel looks like, right? It resembles a large round cake that's been removed from the oven too early, causing the center of the cake to fall and leaving a deep sinkhole in the center. In this hole is the roulette wheel with it's edges painted in numbered black and red tiles. The wheel is spun in one direction while a small white ball is placed on a tiny little lip cut along the top outer edge of the "cake" and sent spinning in the opposite direction. The whole mechanism represents my life and I am the little white ball.
From my viewpoint perched precariously on the edge of this ledge, I am on top of the world, literally with a "penthouse" view. I am flying along high above the rest, carefully balancing myself as I spin in the opposite direction of everything around me. From the outside, I must look like I've got it all...successfully moving at a rapid pace from the peak position, able to see the big picture in my life and everything around me. But on the inside, I can feel the friction of constantly spinning in the opposite direction and the pull of gravity trying to drag me down into the deep sinkhole of the dreaded roulette wheel. Even though I'm living my life with a birds eye view, I can't slow down enough to enjoy it or I'll lose my balance and fall. I can't for one second look down at the roulette wheel spinning below me because I must maintain my focus or gravity will win this battle. So even though I've worked hard to get to the "top of my game", I can't look around to enjoy the view or stop to breathe for even a second. All my hard work has quite literally put me in a rut...the very thing I fear the most.
Eventually the friction of moving in the wrong direction wins...I begin to tire and soon I can't keep up the rapid pace. Gravity pulls at me until I gradually fall off the tiny lip cut along the edge and I begin to fall toward the deep sinkhole. No matter how hard I fight it, gravity will win. I'm too tired to regain the speed necessary to push me back to the top...I can't keep up.
For the first time, I've slowed enough to actually look down into the valley below me. There are small brass buttons scattered along the sloped sides that I'll crash into as I tumble down. It's going to be painful. This is why I should have worked harder to stay on top. But I failed so I must live with the consequences. I begin to bump against brass knobs on my journey to the center of ....what....my life? What lies in this deep, dark place? I've alway been afraid to look so something bad must be waiting for me there. Hitting the brass buttons pushes me back and forth along the steep side, slowing my descent and preventing a free fall. Hummm, maybe those brass buttons weren't put there to hurt me but instead to cushion my fall. That's weird....
As I clear the final button, I gently roll onto the roulette wheel and bounce around a bit before I finally land into one of the grooved pockets waiting for me. I'm not going to lie, the journey to the center of this wheel wasn't bad at all, certainly not what I'd feared forever so it takes me a few moments to clear my head and get my bearings. Once I'm able to look around, I realize that I'm moving at a rapid pace again, very similar to the pace I kept up top, but there's no friction because I'm not the one doing the work. Instead I'm nestled into a safe, comfortable groove cut to fit my body perfectly, letting the wheel do all the work. For the first time I'm able to enjoy the ride and actually look at the world around me. I notice the beautiful colors of the roulette wheel and how the light reflects off those little brass buttons I as so afraid of only moments before.
Looking up to the top where I once ran my race, I suddenly realize that's not the "penthouse view". It's actually the view from the cheap seats...the nosebleed section...down here is where the game is played. Down here is where the action is. For the first time in my life, I'm enjoying the ride instead of running the rat race. Instead of fighting the current, I'm letting the flow take me where I need to go.
And the view from down here....is amazing! Life's a gamble but you can't play it until you get out of the bleachers and into the game.
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