So today is Mother's Day. It's nice to have a day to share with half the human race but I often wonder what it means to other mothers. Naturally I guess your opinion of the day is shaped by your maternal experience. New mothers look at their little bundle of joys in awe and moms of toddlers only need to hear "I love you mommy" to feel their hearts swell. Mother's who've lost a child must ache with bittersweet memories and longing. And middle-aged moms likely feel a roller coaster of emotions when they are caught between their child and an ailing mother of their own.
I look at my own sons, thinking about my own feelings and emotions. I suppose the experience is somewhat different for me because I am single so my two young sons don't shower me with love, gifts and attention because they haven't been taught to do that yet. In fact when I told them they were suppose to treat me like a queen today, they laughed hysterically! I have nieces who graciously give me lovely gifts since I am somewhat of a substitute mom for them because their own mother has passed. It's a wonderful gesture but I never forget that I will always be a substitute on what must be a painful day for them.
I guess my biggest question is not so much what Mother's Day means to me but what does it mean to my sons? When they think of me, what do they see? Of course at this age they tell me that they love me and they don't want another mommy but what do they see? What will they remember of me when I'm gone?
Many moves I've made in my life have been calculated, taken to send a specific message even if I didn't say it out loud. I finished college because I wanted my niece to know that you always finish what you start and I took another niece to New York to a dance workshop because she needs to know to never stop chasing her dreams. When all seemed lost during the adoption of my oldest son and it looked like the country would close before the adoption was complete, I refused to give up even if it meant we started over in abandonment court and added years to our journey because I wanted to be able to tell him someday that I never gave up on him. But as nobel as those decisions may seem, I've made just as many simply by flying by the seat of my pants. I chose several college degree programs and career paths simply by pointing and thinking, "maybe that one is the one" or "I think I'll give that a try". I've learned what I don't want by trying almost anything, never once really thinking about what I truly want. I've made decisions based on income potential instead of heart's desire. So now for the first time in my professional life, I've finally made a decision by drowning out the noise with silence and listening to my soul. It's the first time EVER and while the change feels so right, like I'm going with the flow instead of fighting the current, I have no idea where this journey will take me or what I will encounter along the way. The uncertainty makes me wonder what the journey will feel like for my sons. This is my journey and my dream but will it feel like a dream for them or a nightmare? Will it shape their lives for the better or will they resent what I've done? The world is filled with people who sacrifice everything for their children, even if it means working at a job they hate. I like to say I'd do anything for my kids yet I left a well-paying position and put us on the path of uncertainty. Does that make me a good parent or bad? Did I put my desires before the welfare of my children?
All the decisions I've made so far- good, bad and ugly- won't be remembered by my sons. They won't remember the stress I felt from working in a job I hated and hopefully they'll forget how that stress bled into my relationship with them. I sincerely hope they forget the irrational demands and my short temper because I was so incredibly unhappy in my professional life and just didn't want to admit it. I hope they forget the doubt in my eyes when I wondered if I just didn't have what it takes to be the kind of mother I wanted to be.
I don't know what the next five years, or fifty years, will bring and I won't ever know what my kids truly think of me but I hope they recognize that working in an industry you hate for a large income will always be a price that's too high to pay and I hope they recognize that sometimes you have to put your own sanity and happiness first...and that if you do, everyone wins in the end.
Happy Mother's Day to you all.
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