I'm taking my power back!!!

If you who know me very well, then you know I am very spiritual but definitely not religious. You also know I've worked very hard over the past twenty years or so to enlighten myself...to come to terms with my rights and my wrongs...to identify my own faults and work to overcome them...to recognize the good in myself and in others...to basically find balance in all areas of my life. Recently it occurred to me that I've been giving credit where it really wasn't due and it's time to give myself the credit. Let me explain.....


As you all know, I don't like where I live. It's too conservative politically, lacks diversity, lies on the belt buckle of the bible belt and hello, can we talk about the humidity? Have ya seen what humidity does to my hair? On top of that, I really don't respect the client my former employer worked with and the job I had was a horrible fit for me. In other words, my life was filled with circumstances that I didn't necessarily choose but had to work with. But as most of you know, even though I don't care for a lot of things here, I've always given thanks for how my time here has improved my life in many ways...such as-
     Moving here allowed me to be with my favorite aunt during the last month of her life--there aren't words strong enough to convey the value of that treasure.
     Moving here allowed me to help my niece by caring for her infant daughter while she built her career and I was blessed with this very special little girl in my home for the first 5 1/2 years of her life-- another gift too precious for words.
     Taking that job and making that crazy income allowed me to adopt my two sons-- a gift I can't imagine living without.
     Moving here, working for this company brought a handful of friends into my life that are true treasures--the kind that are willing to work at a relationship even if we live a thousand miles apart (as we soon will)---priceless


I truly believe in being grateful, in recognizing the good that lies buried in the bad...and there always seems to be at least a tiny speck of good in there if you are willing to dig long enough and deep enough. Sometimes you need a high-powered microscope to find it, but it's in there!


So all this time, I've been gratefully giving credit to this state and this job for all these wonderful things...sharing my aunt's final days on earth, sharing my niece's first days on earth, sharing my days on earth with two amazing little humans who change my life a little bit everyday. There's a lot of gratitude in my heart for all these things but it's finally occurred to me that neither this state nor this job deserve any of the credit or gratitude.  Does that sound like an ungrateful statement? Let's dig a little digger....


The truth is-


My Aunt K was a second mother to me. She was a friend, a confidant, a mentor, an ally and more and more and more. She knew my secrets and I knew hers, secrets we promised to take to the grave. In fact, the day before she died, she reminded me that my secrets were safely on their way to her grave and she expected the same from me. I haven't let her down. Even though we didn't always see eye to eye, especially in her final years, she never crossed my mind without bringing a smile to my face, before or after her death. My respect for her is beyond measure but as I matured and traveled the world, I learn to recognize that she was a little bit prejudice ...something she would also recognize and regret in her final days (isn't that always the way?). As I developed my own personality and strengths, her conservative views didn't even come close to my liberal ones...which always made for a lively debate although never heated or hateful. In truth, as I grew up, we grew apart. Traveling with my job made it very difficult to see her but in all honesty, I hadn't made much of an effort in the last two years before her death. That's time I'll never get back and I'll always regret losing. But taking a new job and transferring to a new city meant I was living only a few hours away from her when I called her on September 16, 2003 to wish her a happy 62nd birthday. Unfortunately we both learned of her stage four cancer diagnosis on that day. I can't begin to explain the feeling of my whole body going numb...my ears ringing...fighting to hold down the rising vomit in my throat....a piece of me died that day, six weeks before she would die too. But the truth is, even though this new job and new city made it easy to spend that final month with her, nothing would have stopped me from being there. Had I stayed with my previous employer or even gone with a different one, I still would have taken a leave of absence or even quit my job if necessary. There was no reason big enough to keep me from her. 


Also, moving here made it logistically easier to help my nieces and I cherished those five years when they lived with me but once again, distance would not have prevented that from happening. It wouldn't have mattered if I lived here or Florida or Timbuktu....I suspect my niece would have turned to me for help and I would have gladly given it. To some degree, I suppose my relationship with my nieces was similar to the relationship I had with my aunt. Not exactly the same, but there are similarities.


And that brings me to my sons. I firmly believe that those guys were meant to be in my life. Yes, this job with its crazy income made it easier for me to adopt them but the world is filled with people who live paycheck to paycheck and still find a way to adopt. I have no doubt that these two little men and I would have found a way to be a family. Maybe it would have required an adoption loan or who knows, but we would have made it happen. I have no doubt of that.


So all that leaves are the incredibly great friends I've gained from living here and working there. Somehow I think we would have found a way to become friends even without the common threads. I don't know how or why, but I just think we were meant to enrich each others lives so maybe we would have met on vacation or at a conference...who knows but I'm sure it would have happened.


So there you have it. I'm not giving credit to a state or a job for the good things in my life anymore. Those things are there because I worked for them, I believed in them, I refused to live without them. I deserve the credit and I'm taking it back!!


Comments, thoughts, musings????