Monday Morning Mumblings....

For those of you who receive this post via email, I apologize if it's late getting to you. I was traveling all day Sunday and didn't get it out until late.



Be the change you wish to see in the world.

This is a very famous quote from Ghandi. I'm sure most of us have all heard or read it at one time or another. I love this quote although I've always thought about it on a grand scale. It's always been an admirable quote that felt almost awe-inspiring in its size...sort of a change THE world, not YOUR world type.

But I wonder what it means if I apply it to my world......

I have a cousin..a 2nd cousin actually...who is struggling with both of his parents alcohol addiction. He's a very sensitive, creative 20-something kid who should have run as far away as possible after graduating from college yet found himself back in the same small town he grew up in. I suspect he came back to care for his parents, both who refuse to acknowledge they have a problem. I wish he could let them handle their own problems and move on with his life, but he can't. I wish he could help them from afar, but he's can't seem to break away. I wish a lot of things for him...I wish he could see how other families including ours has suffered so much, been held prisoner so long, by someone else's addiction. I wish he'd been born into a different family but.....


As my cousin tries to "fix" his adult parents, he mentioned his main goal with them was working on communication, something very lacking our family. It makes me wonder if our struggle with communicating stems from our gene pool. My mom said as kids they weren't allowed to argue, fight, disagree or even discuss negative feelings and emotions. Maybe that's where it all started...maybe our gene pool is broken. When I look at my own immediate family, I don't see a strong line of communication with us either. I deeply regret not talking to my sister more openly about her addiction before it was too late. Don't get me wrong, there's no doubt in my mind that talking to her wouldn't have changed her. In fact, the few times I did mention it, her response always involved the phrase, "I don't do no bullshit drugs". Obviously you can only go so far when the other person won't even admit to the problem. But I do believe having a more open line of communication would have changed me. Knowing I did all I could, there'd be no regrets. Instead, I'll always wonder... And I'll always regret my family's lack of communicating skills...even as I try desperately to change them.


I have a few family members who like to disappear whenever they are up to something that they know is a bad idea but they're doing it anyway. No more phone calls, you rarely see them and the few times you do, they barely look you in the eye. It's incredibly obvious and accomplishes nothing. If you're a grown adult engaging in adult behavior, no matter bad or stupid it is, you should be willing to explain yourself instead of hiding and immediately putting yourself in a defensive mood. Such a stressful way to live. I have a niece who HATES confrontation so much she handles difficult situations like a fifteen year old instead of being an adult and discussing her situation from the beginning. Unfortunately, by refusing to be honest and straight forward from the beginning, she puts herself in a place where confrontation is almost guaranteed...the very thing she's trying to avoid. Why can't she just be honest from the beginning and make it easier on herself? Personally I despise nagging, I can't stand being put in that position. Yet I am always attempting to help people who are struggling with one thing or another and I always trust them to act like an adult and hold up their end of whatever bargain we made (just as I would if the roles were reversed) but I'm constantly getting let down and ultimately put in a position where I have to nag them to do their part. I'm a smart girl...why do I keep traveling the same road expecting different results? Open, honest communication....we actually suck at it. Why can't we just be honest with each other?


Part of the reason I started this blog was to open up my line of communication with others, especially my family. It's my goal to feel more normal personally and to give us all the chance to talk about things and become more normal-ish as a family. Several of us have said on more than one occasion that we wished we had a "normal" family instead of the crazy, dysfunctional one we were born into so I know I'm not alone in wanting this... yet only one member of my family has attempted to open up the lines of communication and so far it's fallen completely flat for her too. Not one other adult has done his/her part to invest in a more normal family life with us. In fact, I think since my sister's death, we have drifted into deeper dysfunction. So what is this saying? That we all want normal but only if we can continue acting dysfunctional while waiting for someone else to "fix" us? Doesn't it come right back to Ghandi's quote? We have to be the change we want to see? So doesn't that mean if you want a normal family then you have to do your part to bring normal to the family. Doesn't it mean you have step out of your comfort zone and try to be open and honest with everyone while hoping their reactions are supportive or at least tolerant versus assuming the worst?


I suppose that's what I'm doing right here and right now. I'm working toward normal and I'm leaving dysfunction behind. I've been working on leaving it behind for quite awhile now but maybe I need to put it in black and white so here it is. I'm telling everyone in my family that I'm being the change I want to see so if you're willing, feel free to open up and come along...because I'm not looking back anymore.  My bad communication has been a part of the problem all these years and you can't be part of the problem and the solution both! The last half of my life isn't going to resemble the first half....I can promise you that. I am just soooo tired of all the dysfunction...their dysfunction, my dysfunction, all of it. I've been working really hard to get rid of it all and I thought everyone was on board, ready to give "normal" a try. I'm so tired of talk, talk, talk...inspirational and motivational quotes that pass over the lips but go on farther. I'm tired of hearing one thing while watching another...I'm just so tired of the games. It would mean a lot to me if just one person would step up, admit their own mistakes as I'm trying to do and come along for the ride to "normal"....but it's their decision.


I'm being honest and open about who I am and what I'm doing in my life and assuming everyone's being supportive or at least tolerant but even if they aren't, this train has already left the station. Sooooo.....


Not sure if this motivated you but it sure as hell motivated me! Have a great Monday and think about changing something in your life today!!