So tomorrow I have to meet my former nephew/son-in-law at my niece's house for his final walk-thru. Part of his demands in the divorce settlement was a final walk-thru to identify any of his belongings still at his marital home and his ex-wife (my niece) couldn't be present. She designated ME as the lucky tour guide.
He called me last night to schedule a time to meet and in all honesty, I literally felt nauseous as soon as I heard his voice. In fact, I still feel nauseous even now. It's not that I'm scared of him although he has made some pretty erratic moves lately. I guess I just want this to be over once and for all. I thought he was going to be the guy who made my niece happy forever but it turned out so, so badly. I'm not hoping for the beginning of a new chapter in her life, I'm looking for a whole new book! And that's after this book is burned and the ashes are buried.
In the beginning I thought their marriage could work even when so much was against them. Between custody battles for his kids and hers, building a new house, buying a new car, starting a new business and 180 degrees difference on religious views, they were probably screwed in the first year. If only they'd bought a beautiful foreclosed home and a used car, waited to start the business for another year or two and agreed to compromise on religion or to each do their own thing, then the custodies battles probably would have brought them together and they would have become a united front...an unbreakable force. If they would have handled year one smarter, then maybe they would have been prepared for the death of her mother and getting custody of her teenage sister in year two. But they didn't.... I guess this is where that old saying hindsight is 20/20 comes in....
Even with all those hurdles thrown at them, I still thought they could make it work, even with the rocky start, but the baggage they carried from their past proved to be too cumbersome. She went into the marriage with an extremely independent spirit yet looking for an equal partner. She fought compromise when she shouldn't have but it was her first marriage so growing pains were to be expected. She wasn't easy but he was bound and determined to break her. He came into the marriage looking for a partner but without equality. 100% power belonged to him. They set themselves up for an epic battle and were not disappointed.
Sadly, I warned him before he asked her to marry him that she isn't the typical 20-something girl. She carries tremendous pain from her childhood and can't be expected to react to life as most people do. I told him to go slow, to treat her with love and respect, but to handled her gently. I promised him that it wouldn't be easy and it would take a long time to gain her trust but if he was gentle, that she would eventually put all her trust in him. I could guarantee this because I was there when she was hurt, I saw her spirit being assaulted and I knew first hand what broke her. What I failed to realize was just how broken he was too. I didn't take into account the baggage he carried forward from his own childhood and first marriage. I calculated the results but with only half the data.
After watching them ruin their marriage and even screw up their divorce, I realize now that they never really had a chance. It would have taken years of therapy, mostly individually, for them to both put down their old pain and change completely. My niece recognizes her baggage and says she wants to let it go but never really commits to counseling so maybe she's just not ready. Hopefully she's moving in that direction. It is scary to step out into the world without it, feeling completely naked. I know, I've done it. My ex-nephew, on the other hand, refuses to even acknowledge that he has baggage and doesn't seem to want to take any ownership in the demise of their marriage. Everything with him is very black and white, it's either your fault or mine, my way or yours, no compromise, no middle ground. All that baggage seems to be lost in multiple shades of gray and he doesn't see gray.
I've worked very hard to put my baggage down and I will continue to work on it for however long necessary, probably the rest of my life. I've stepped out without it and prefer this feeling to the strangling feeling of carrying it with me. But watching their marriage and subsequent divorce has made me realize just how much our pasts control our futures. Two people with the chance to live happily ever after instead choose the path of bitter pain and isolation. Instead of letting go of their old pain and working through life together, they added another piece of baggage to their piles. And all because their past is in complete control of their lives. And they certainly aren't alone. It's true for all of us. How can the past control us so much when all we really want is a fresh start everyday? Why can't we learn from our mistakes and truly move on? Do we really have to burn our books to reinvent ourselves?
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