So I had a session with my therapist friend this week. God I just love talking to him. Everyone should go to therapy...it just offers such refreshing angles on your life and really changes your outlook...at least it does if you go in with no defenses and completely open-minded.
Anyway, I told him about my #1 resolution this year...to learn how to fight (argue/disagree) with my family. That raised his eyebrows for a moment but he understood and agreed with me since he knows my family dynamics. I mentioned that at first glance, I thought the problem revolved mostly around my mom, myself and one niece since we have always been life preservers for each other and are deeply involved in each other's lives but then I realized it's an issue my whole family deals with. I have a niece who isn't speaking to another niece right now. Another niece got mad at me and didn't speak to me for years because of something my sister told her..a very twisted form of the truth. Once my sister's oldest daughter came to live with me, my sister cut herself off from me for years. She didn't invite me to her wedding and her only son was around three years old before I met him for the first time. We were back on speaking terms for just a few years before I ended the relationship once and for all. Maybe this is "normal" or a version of normal but the odd thing with all these examples is that they occurred without much conversation...in some cases, none. There wasn't a lot of disagreeing, arguing or fighting. It was mostly just one big ka-boom and the game was over. Everyone in the family acts like I'm the stubborn, unmovable one when I set my mind to something but in reality, we're all that way. We just don't really communicate well and we definitely don't share our feelings...at least not the painful ones.
Then Scott asked a very interesting question. He asked me if I thought this had anything to do with my family's addiction problems. My first thought was that only my brother and sister have had an addiction problem but that's not true. We ALL have either an addiction problem or at least an issue with doing something to excess. Without even straining my brain, I can think of several.....drugs, alcohol, sex, shopping, food/sugar, control, "fixing"... and those are just off the top of my head.
Scott said that if you ignore your feelings, try to stuff them down, pretend you're okay, get over it...if you do any of these things without acknowledging how you really feel, it will come out in one way or another. There's absolutely no way to outrun your true feelings, your hurt, your pain, etc... It can come out in many ways...workaholic, gym rat, control freak, any one of the addictions listed above, OCD, loner.... and so on.
So what's the moral of the story? What's the moral of MY story? Be honest with yourself..in the moment...experience your feelings...live...be honest with everyone else....breathe and know that disagreeing shouldn't be so hard...it has nothing to do with love. You're not teaching an old dog new tricks...you're just reminding him how to play.
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