So what does it mean to feel? We all say it, mostly unconscously, but what does it really mean? I feel happy--I feel sad--I feel like a jerk--I'm not feeling it. There are a thousand different ways to use the word, but what does it represent?
I've been thinking back over my life, my memories-the few I have at least, and trying to compare how I felt then to how I feel now. It's dawned on me that I may not really know what it means to actually feel my emotions, at least not at the deepest levels. I know how I'm suppose to feel and I think I'm a pretty good actor, good enough to even convince myself. And in all honesty, my emotional depth seems only to be lacking in the positive emotions. I believe I've fully embraced the full range of scale when it comes to darker, more brutal emotions such as anger, pain and regret. I've got a good grip on those feelings but joy, contentment and love seem to be eluding me. Even as I write this, I stop for a moment to relive my happiest moments and I can't bring back those feelings of excitement. I can see them in my mind but the actual feelings seems to hover just out of reach. Why?
A friend of mine who happens to be a therapist says we are simply a bundle of neuro-pathways and it's difficult to duplicate what we don't remember. If I say the word "bicycle", your neuro-pathways begin to fire in your brain because you know what a bike is and how to use it. But if you don't know what a bike is or how to ride one, your brain will remain silent. Is that why I have trouble feeling the positive emotions? Because I don't have positive memories from my childhood? And if that's the case, is it possible to learn them now? Can you teach an old dog new tricks?
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