Is it better to learn from the past or invent the future?

So after reading this blog, my mom called me.  Her voice couldn't hide her concern that I am depressed.  Hopefully I was successful at convincing her I am not.  I know what depressed feels like and this ain't it.  Honestly I'm not depressed, sad or even unhappy.  I'm just missing a childhood and I'd like to have it back. It's not life altering to live without childhood memories...or maybe it is but I'm pretty sure I turned out okay.


So when I was trying to explain myself to my mom today, I told her I don't know why I don't have positive memories from my childhood or even ordinary day-to-day ones, but that I'd like to have them back.  I'd like to be able to say "I remember once when I was a kid....."  But as I think about it, I wonder if it's really worth the effort.  What I'm craving is a balanced life, but should I commit my time and effort to finding my past or would it be more beneficial to build my future?  Even if I sudden remember each and every day of my life, I can't get those years back to relive.  I can't ask for a do-over.  The most I could do with the new knowledge is to live today and move forward into my future, which I'm going to do anyway with or without a balanced past so is it wise to invest so much energy into this project?


My mom informed me that she has always been a person who focuses on the future more than the present, just like me.  And she's always said my dad's family filled with a just a bunch of loners.  Lena says she doesn't  think she "feels" as much as other people do either.  So with that information, it seems my gene pool is filled with the very aspects of myself that I feel are missing.  It seems my DNA is a major hurdle in my pursuit of balance.  So armed with this new information, suddenly looking to the past to find myself seems less fulfilling.  Even an amnesiac eventually has to begin his life anew, with or without the missing years of his life so isn't that true for me also?


I think my goal for tomorrow will be to begin developing a plan for my future while still learning to live in the moment...even if I have to schedule time for it each day!  As Shifu from Kung Fu Panda 2 says, "your life becomes balanced when you find inner peace."  So I guess I'll be scheduling time for inner peace too!!