So maybe I don't feel, at least not enough. Maybe I don't, won't or can't wrap my head around how to feel happy emotions. So what does that mean? How does that affect me? For one thing, I'm trying to live in the moment, in the "now", and its hard to do when this very moment right now should have substance, should have depth, but it feels sort of robotic, sort of like I'm watching a movie instead of living it. This morning I was lying in bed, petting my cat Lola and trying to "notice" the texture of her fur and how it felt to just be lying there with her. I've always noticed how luxurious her fur feels, like an expensive mink coat, but today I was trying to really feel it. Notice how she pushes her head against my hand, almost demanding I stroke her face. I felt her movements, talked to her, noticed the softness of her fur, the sight, the sounds, but there wasn't an emotional response inside me. I spoke to her as if I felt a flood of emotions but in reality, there was no flood, not even a trickle. What does it say when you can't enjoy a quiet moment with a pet?
So I've been thinking....I believe some of the cause of my lack of emotional expression lies with my need to control myself. I've watched movies, or even friggin commercials for that matter, that unexpectedly cause my eyes to well up with tears and it takes a lot of willpower and strength to avoid bursting into a sobbing mess of watery eyes and heaving shoulders. Maybe I've chosen to avoid these emotional situations because they feel like out-of-control dramas and I've experienced too many dramas in my life already. If that's the case, then is it possible to change my thinking, decide I want to experience these feelings and decide to control myself back into feeling them? Is it possible to make demands of my body, my heart and my psyche by insisting I "feel" the moment? Sort of like a boot camp drill instructor, can I bully myself into feeling until it simply becomes second nature?
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