So am I broken?

After much thought, I've come to the conclusion that I lack emotional depth. Of course I can feel my emotions, some much more than others, but I don't believe I really feeeeelll like most people do. I seem to have a pretty good handle on the negative emotions like anger, hurt or sadness. It's the positive ones that seem to elude me. Don't get me wrong, I'm not depressed or unhappy....I'm just not happy either. My four year old son often asks me if I'm happy. Of course I tell him yes. No point in letting my discontent negatively effect his childhood memories. But when he asks, internally I'm shrugging my shoulders and answering, "I guess so." It's hard to answer that question when I don't know how happy feels....sort of asking a blind person if they like the color blue.

So I think this is why I avoid relationships and even friendships to a degree. I'm tired of pretending to feel things that I'm expected to feel but don't. I know in any good relationship, you're expected to express your joy, gratefulness, love, etc. I can express them all but only because I know it's expected and I don't want to hurt the other person's feelings so I fake it. It's so much easier to be alone.

But now I have these two sons and I want so much more for them. I want them to remember their childhoods filled with fun activities and positive role models, which require me to step out of my comfort zone of "alone". So do I continue to pretend for their sakes? Or is it possible to fix this character flaw and actually begin to feel my emotions? How do you even begin a journey like that? I'm always up for a good challenge, but I don't have a clue how to climb this mountain. I even tried googling it, but couldn't find an answer there either. What does that mean? Maybe it's not fixable. Maybe I'm not even broken. Maybe it is what it is and that's all it'll ever be. Maybe I should just plant a fake smile on my face and hope that someday it turns into the real thing. Maybe.