Chit-chatting with a friend yesterday, we discussed my trip to New York and how the city's vibe seemed so different from ten years ago when I lived there. We bantered ideas back and forth about why I felt this way, mostly pointing toward the recent changes I've made in my life. Strangely though, as our conversation progressed, I felt like part of me was talking while a completely different part was listening...all while having another awakening.
Because of the changes made this summer, I feel much more relaxed and more in tune with my surroundings. Obviously I attributed my newfound appreciation for the city to my new attitude but as we continued our discussion, a lightbulb slowly began to glow over my head.
I've always been known as an old soul. My ex-sister-in-law used to say I was born an adult. My mom always said I acted like an adult at an early age because I was raised in an adult household. But I always thought I acted the way I do because I needed to be a grown up, even as a kid. The lifestyle of my brother and sister caused such chaos in our family, I acted grown up because it was safe, it was predictable, it was controllable. I've always attributed the loss of my happy childhood memories on the choices of others, almost like the fun part was sucked dry and I was simply collateral damage. But while talking to my friend with the bulb of enlightenment glowing ever so brighter over my head, I slowly but surely experienced possibly my greatest revelation so far.
Discussing the changes I saw and felt in the city and in myself, I felt like I was watching a thousand tiny lightening bugs filling the sky and ever so slowly flying toward each other until they formed one great big giant starburst of light shining down over me. I'm sure I'm probably not doing justice to this revelation, but I think the ahh-haaa moment came when I was telling him about a discussion I had with my eight year old niece. We had been walking around Times Square for hours and numerous times she asked me if I saw this person or that thing. Sometimes I had but usually I had to answer no because I hadn't seen whatever it was that caught her attention. After probably a dozen times or more, she finally asked me why I kept missing these amazing people and events. I knew I could give her a grown up answer such as "I am trying to watch for traffic" or "there's too many people" and she'd probably be satisfied but for some reason I needed to be straight with her. I told that I was thinking, knowing another question would quickly follow from her....and of course it did. Immediately she wanted to know what I could possibly be thinking about so much. I tried to explain that my mind takes me all over the place but that didn't seem to satisfy her much. So I explained in the only way I could think of, telling her that while she was born to dance, I was born to think. Believe it or not, it made perfect sense to both of us.
It was in that moment that I realized nobody stole my childhood from me. I am exactly who I was meant to be. I see the world the way I do not because I'm hiding behind a wall but because it's just who I am. I have always been a grown up because that's just how I operate. And most importantly I realized that had I been an impulsive, childish kid, I probably wouldn't have survived so well. We teach our children that their actions have consequences but on some subconscience level, I've been basing my life on the belief that my actions are based on consequences. I've basically written my story completely backwards.
I've always said I learn from the mistakes of others but I now realize that's only true to a point. Yes, I absolutely observe other people, often predicting the outcome of their actions before they've even finished their journey. But I now realize with complete certainty that the courses charted by others often aren't anything I'd ever be involved in anyway. Yes I can observe the repercussions of their actions and say with great relief that I'll never follow in their footsteps but it's a path I have no interest in exploring anyway.
I've finally discovered that I came into this world this way. I am who I am not because of my upbringing or my environment but because it's my nature. I've given too much credit to outside forces and not enough to myself. So now I know, going forward, that all decisions made by me are truly being made by me. It's a nice feeling.
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